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crunchymom2b 09-22-2012 06:53 AM

How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
 
First, I'm sorry to post here because this technically isn't about a preemie, but our son who is still in the NICU (will be 3 weeks on Monday). I wish this forum was for Preemies/NICU babies or we had a general NICU Babies forum.

Now, onto my problem. I am on a medication that could cause withdrawals in my babies. DS1 had no issues and went home when I was discharged. DS2 however, has not been so lucky. He will be 3 weeks on Monday and has been in the NICU (well, step down nursery) since birth. He's doing wonderfully right now but had a rough few days which is what caused him to be in there longer than anticipated. My family knows about this, DH's parents do not. When DS2 was initially admitted we told them they wanted to monitor Vinny due to some jitteriness possibly caused by my having been borderline GD. This reason came from a nurse when we asked what to say since we didn't want them to know about my specific medication. It just isn't any of their business in our opinion.

They were upset but were okay at first. But then when the realization that he'd be there awhile hit my MIL had a terrible change of personality. We have a great relationship and frankly, we thought she'd be the most understanding/helpful of our families. Here are her issues:

1. She'd constantly call DH and bug him non stop about WHY he was there, WHAT they were doing, specifics. She HAD tohave specifics.
2. She wold call my aunt and other family members and go on and on about how we were "hiding" things from her, this was HER grandson (that makes my blood boil), she was in the medical field and she had a right to know what was going on
3. She works at a medical center and while she's only in administration, she goes to the other doctors and nurses and tells them the little she knows and tries to piece the puzzle together even after we asked her not to say anything to anyone at her work.

This is what we told her. One of my medications for IBS or Anxiety didn't agree with the baby and he needed to be put on some medications to keep him comfortable. He can't go home with this medication so they need to slowly wean him off of it, andthen he can come home.

That is the exact scenario, except it's actually from a different medication. We just don't want her knowing the actual medication I'm on, but otherwise that's the truth. DH finally had to be blunt with her and say that if she didn't back off he'd stop takling to her until the baby came home. He's an only child and is SUPER close to his mother. She's been great to us since but she's still calling my aunt complaining that we're lying and she has a right to know, etc, and that she will be giving DH a lecture once baby is home, etc. She will be shot down soooo fast if she dare attempt that.

basically, I know she's just concerned because she loves our baby. Butshe's acting incredibly selfish and letting her grief ruin our relationship with her. It took her a week to ask me how I was holding up with everything. DH finally took her to visit him to calm her down but he was sleeping and can't be disturbed when he is. She stood there and kept touching him and trying to gently wake up and DH had to stop that too. She feels she has a right to know the specifics, like what medications he's on, the exact diagnosis, etc. We feel no one has a right to know anything, other than he's healthy and doing just fine. At first we know she was super worried that something was seriously wrong with him but she finally believes otherwise now. She's also the type that wants to fix things and I know she feels she can somehow fix this. She asked if she could sit up at the hospital all day with him, which we told her no. It breaks my heart that I can only be there a few hours a day and frankly, no one but DH, myself,orthe nurses will be caring for our son.

I am so hurt and offended by her actions and accusations. She hasn't said anything to me, just DH and my aunt, but still. She makes me feel like I'm not a good enough mom without her help and as if she could care less about our grief and stress over this. She is being super nice to me but I can't get her words out of my mind. This is OUR child. Being a grandparent is a priviledge, not a right, and she's overstepping her boundaries big time. I'm also super nervous about when he does come home. I know she's going to try to be here 24/7 and wanting to hold him, etc, but he's still going toneed quiet and avoid being overstimulated for awhile. Besides, we want some time for us to bond as a family, just the 4 of us, since we haven't been able to yet. We will of course let people visit and hold the baby but we want our time with our son, and it won't be like when a healthy baby comes home and everyone plays pass the baby. She's going to have a huge issue with this I fear. I will not hesitate to stick up for myself and our son but I don't want our previous good relationship with MIL ruined.

Sorrythis is so long. I am just shocked and hurt that the person we thought would support us most is giving us the most problems, even if it is just behind our backs. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this or what to do. For the most part DH is handling her, but I know I'll eventually have to speak up (like about the excessive holding, etc) and I want to support DH too. THis was a huge shock to him as well since they were so close. Sorry this was so jumbled too. Dealing with a baby in the NICU is hard enough without this too. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks mamas:hugs:

KelseyH 09-22-2012 07:03 AM

Wow... Sorry, mama :hugs: I don't really have much advice to give you, unfortunately. :( it sounds like you guys are doing a pretty good job maintaining boundaries. I'm glad your LO is doing okay, as well!

I have a pushy/passive-aggressive/self absorbed MIL and honestly distance and very clear boundaries have been the best thing for us. I know she thinks some of my parenting choices are off the wall but that's her problem to deal with - not mine. I don't stress it much anymore (but we have never been in as serious a situation as you are, either). When he comes home, I would make sure she knows visits are only from
X-X time however many times per week, and that's just how it is. Make DH enforce it if you have to.

I don't know what else to tell you, mama :( good luck! I hope you guys can work things out without any permanent hard feelings.

MDever 09-22-2012 07:10 AM

Re: How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
 
I can see both sides of this to be honest. Because you feel that keeping this from her is very important you may want to ask a Mod to move this to sensitive so that it cannot be searched. I do not agree with the way your MIL is handling this situation, however I can see why. You seem to sound like a very close family and you fully expected her to be the "most" supportive person but you do not respect or trust her enough to be honest. You are exactly right. This is your child who is having withdrawl. You are not obligated to share private info with anyone. Ever. I am also private when it comes to my family. I had an impossible MIL just simply awful. She was very selfish and none of her nonsense came from a place of love or concern for her son or grandchildren. Your MIL cares deeply about your family according to you. Maybe just cut her a bit of slack. Try to imagine how you would feel in the future if you worried that your son and his wife were doing the same thing. You will be a MIL one day too.:hugs: I hope your LO feels well enough to come home soon.

crunchymom2b 09-22-2012 10:13 AM

Re: How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MDever (Post 15716135)
I can see both sides of this to be honest. Because you feel that keeping this from her is very important you may want to ask a Mod to move this to sensitive so that it cannot be searched. I do not agree with the way your MIL is handling this situation, however I can see why. You seem to sound like a very close family and you fully expected her to be the "most" supportive person but you do not respect or trust her enough to be honest. You are exactly right. This is your child who is having withdrawl. You are not obligated to share private info with anyone. Ever. I am also private when it comes to my family. I had an impossible MIL just simply awful. She was very selfish and none of her nonsense came from a place of love or concern for her son or grandchildren. Your MIL cares deeply about your family according to you. Maybe just cut her a bit of slack. Try to imagine how you would feel in the future if you worried that your son and his wife were doing the same thing. You will be a MIL one day too.:hugs: I hope your LO feels well enough to come home soon.

I know she's acting like this because she cares about us and loves her grandchildren, that's whats hard about this. I def. think she's letting her own desires and feelings come first and I don't like how she's acting. But I hope hope hope once he's home this all goes away.

She does know pretty much everything going on, except the exact medication I am on and the names of Vinny's medications and whatnot. She gets the same info everyone else gets at this point. Our trust for her has nothing to do with any of this. There's no reason she needs to know the specific medication I am on and she is getting the same info my family is getting at this point.

sillyutalktome 09-23-2012 09:25 PM

Re: How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
 
For me, I've always found quoting the pediatrician to be the easiest with pushy family. For us dd wasn't supposed to be in public situations for 8 weeks so I just quoted her pediatrician. So if he's not supposed to be overstimulated for a while I would just use part of that time to say "I'm sorry his pediatrician says for X weeks baby has to stay at home with family only and then he can have 1 or 2 visitors a day for up to 30 minutes for the next X weeks after that the pediatrician will decide if he can be seen more, etc at his well baby visit and we'll let everyone know" If she wants details you can give her details that don't mean anything. "He had four big poops today, doctor was impressed" :)

Hugs mama. I am so sorry you have this to deal with on top of having him still in the hospital. I hope you're doing ok on your healing from delivery and emotionally doing ok with everything else.

mommyria2 09-27-2012 01:44 PM

Re: How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
 
I can totally relate but I really don't have any advice. DS1 was in the nicu for a month and every night my mom would call wanting every last detail. It's not that I didn't want her to know it's just that I hated playing 20 questions about my son's health and many days I just wasn't in the mood to talk. You know how it is with 2 steps forward and one step back. Even after ds was out and we had to see specialists, she used her position at an affiliated hospital to look up his medical records. I told her if she ever did that again i'd report her for violating hippa. Point is, I know she did all this because she cares but that didn't keep me from wanting to punch her in the face.

mommyria2 09-27-2012 01:45 PM

Re: How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
 
I can totally relate but I really don't have any advice. DS1 was in the nicu for a month and every night my mom would call wanting every last detail. It's not that I didn't want her to know it's just that I hated playing 20 questions about my son's health and many days I just wasn't in the mood to talk. You know how it is with 2 steps forward and one step back. Even after ds was out and we had to see specialists, she used her position at an affiliated hospital to look up his medical records. I told her if she ever did that again i'd report her for violating hippa. Point is, I know she did all this because she cares but that didn't keep me from wanting to punch her in the face.

twinmomstl 09-28-2012 07:40 AM

your mil is upset that you are hiding something from her and I kinda feel like she has a right to be. Put yourself in her shoes. I understand that the medication you are on must be embarassing to you and you have every right to keep that to yourself if you don't want to share but don't you think she may find out eventually anyway? Have you thought about coming clean to her?

keen1981 09-28-2012 07:45 AM

I honestly feel for his mom. :( this is the EXACT reason why patenting boys is different than girls. YOUR mother gets to know it all. Actually your whole family, but DH's mom, who might rather be intelligent must listen to stories and hush up? This is her grandchild. A part of her son. An equal part of her son as to you. I also think women expect DH is always do what they want (I do, lol) but never consult him about their choices when it comes to their side of the family.


I think it shows how much she loves this baby. And you guys. IMO, does she have a RIGHT to know? Of course not. Would it be the RIGHT thing for you to tell her, in my heart- yes..


I'm sorry mama. It's a difficult spot. But honesty is the best policy. Always.

Eta: I also think you knowing what she is feeling/thinking is making you have certain judgements on her actions. It's like knowing someone has a secret but being with them a day. It doesn't make you feel comfortable or relaxed. So you are both likely not behaving normally.


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