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-   -   Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1453180)

UmmKira 10-12-2012 02:30 PM

Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
Sorry if this is long. I'm wondering if anyone has gone through something like this themselves, or have kids that have gotten on the other side of this.

DD1's dad is my ex, and dh is her step dad. This has been going on and off for a while, but DD makes it pretty clear through her actions she would much prefer to be at her dad's house than ours, and it is heartbreaking.

Since we started homeschooling, DD's grandma thinks I'm keeping her in a box and seems to be trying to undo any protections I put in place (letting her go to the mall and meet friends at 10 years old, buy her the newest fashions, let her have a FB account, etc.). DD is a people pleaser, which is a big reason I wanted to homeschool in the first place: she says yes to anyone as her first reaction so she doesn't have to deal with confrontation.

DD's dad seems to think I'm too strict, and he lets her basically stay at his houes more like a roommate than a daughter. She only has chores sometimes, she can watch any movie she wants and play any video games she wants, regardless of ratings, she can be on the computer alone at any time of night, etc. He doesn't try to hide his dislike for me and tells her stories of stupid things I did when I was in highschool and college. DD says it is just a joke, but I asked her when the last time he made a joke in my favor was... yeah. I can't see right through this. He's trying to make it look like I'm a hypocrite because I've stopped doing these things and live pretty on the straight and narrow now.

What I don't get is still why she prefers his house when his way of showing attention is to make fun of you (his nickname for her is Loser, he tells her she has a mustache, etc), he doesn't play any games with her (we have family game night that DD asks for and gets all pouty if we dont make time when she asks for it, though we usually do), he barely ever lets her go to see friends during his time, his only brings her to do stuff that he likes and not stuff that is focused on her, etc.

When I ask her about it, she says she doesn't get to see him as much so she wants to get any time she can. Well, today she was signed up for an event through the library that got cancelled, and she asked if she could stay at her dad's with his GF because he would be at work. He's not even there and she still wants to not be at my place! She gives him extra bonus points for not leaving when I got pregnant, but I'm an awful person if I don't sit and watch her fencing practice, (which he sleeps in the car when he brings her to practice).

I'm bitter, and I have a hard time not showing it. I feel like I'm going through a breakup that I can't get out of since she always chooses being with him instead of me. It comes out sometimes and then she gets all sad because her parents don't get along, so then I'm again the bad guy because I reminded her of this fact by being sad.

I feel like I'm losing her forever. She'll never want to be around me again, and there's nothing I can do about it. I tell her I love her all the time, I give her hugs, take her to do things that are just for her, and try to make time for just her and I to do things together. Yet, whenever she brings up things I've done, it's that I yelled once when she was learning to ride her bike, or that I used to sleep in (I worked full time and went to school full time as a single parent... and her dad takes naps and sleeps all the time, but that's because he's a respectable person and he works so hard). I honestly feel that her dad has thrown me under the bus enough times that she has this filter for any action I do, which is different than any action he does.

I feel like I should just morn her loss and move on. She'll still be here, but not count on her for any appreciation and basically act like coworkers, but I know this is the bitterness that is talking. She'll definitely hate me forever if I do that, but I feel like I can't keep putting myself out there and she says thank you, appreciates it, then acts like I've never done any good towards her a week later.

WWYD?

~Laura~ 10-12-2012 02:57 PM

Re: Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
First :hugs:.
Secondly, I was your DD. I cannot explain even now why I wanted to go to my dad's. He was a crappy parent then. I desperately wanted attention and love from him and I knew my mom loved and cared about me no matter what. My mom made sure to never say negative things about my dad even though he tore her to shreds. As a adult, I am much closer with my mom. She is one of my best friends. My dad changed a lot over the years and is now a pretty good grandparent.
I just wanted to let you know that you should continue to provide your daughter the love and consistency and ride it out. I'm so sorry that you're both going through this.

EmilytheStrange 10-12-2012 03:20 PM

Re: Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesus_Freak_955 (Post 15803575)
First :hugs:.
Secondly, I was your DD. I cannot explain even now why I wanted to go to my dad's. He was a crappy parent then. I desperately wanted attention and love from him and I knew my mom loved and cared about me no matter what. My mom made sure to never say negative things about my dad even though he tore her to shreds. As a adult, I am much closer with my mom. She is one of my best friends. My dad changed a lot over the years and is now a pretty good grandparent.
I just wanted to let you know that you should continue to provide your daughter the love and consistency and ride it out. I'm so sorry that you're both going through this.

this. the hugs and the words.

I am so sorry, I cannot imagine.

My sister did this. Her mom was horrible to her. So much so that when my sister got pregnant, she was jealous and so she got pregnant as well. She has never treated her like a proper daughter. Now that my sister is a 40yr adult, she still mourns the relationship with her mom, but now she values her stepmother much more. But, not as much as she should, IMHO.

She knows you love her. She knows you will always love her. It is so normal for her to crave her father's attention and approval. She's lucky that she has a stepfather in her life that cares for her. Maybe one solution would be to have healthy activities for those 2 together. Her and her stepfather. She needs a man in her life who doesn't call her 'loser' just to counteract the damage that her father is doing.

I don't know how you get over it though. I don't think you do. DH chose to leave his mom and live with his dad when he was like 11 or something. The very thought of my child leaving me breaks my heart and I cannot imagine how his mom dealt with it.

I don't know if any of that is useful, but I really pray for peace for you. Can you talk to her dad? And perhaps see if he would atleast give her more positive attention?

luvsviola 10-12-2012 03:55 PM

Re: Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
Hugs mama. I am a middle school teacher. We have so many kids want to "go live with my dad" in middle school. Some moms let them, some don't. The kids figure it out eventually almost every time. Dad is a playmate, but when the chips are down, he isn't really there for the kids the way a mom is. When they get in real trouble and need help, it is almost always mom they go crying back to because she is the one that makes things happen.

UmmKira 10-12-2012 06:12 PM

Re: Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
Thanks mamas :hugs: I am feeling a bit better. I am hoping we hit a happy period again because I hate feeling bitter.

*KaiMom* 10-13-2012 10:13 PM

Re: Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
Same boat here with my 10 year old ds. (((HUGS))) I just try to be the best parent I can be when he's here and tell him that living with his father is a non-issue. His father sees him during "fun times"(when there isn't any school and his dad takes time off of work) so he has a scewed view of what it would really be like living with him full-time. I try not to take it personal but it does hurt.

BeccaSueCongdon 10-13-2012 10:48 PM

Haven't read all responses, but you basically described my parents and me when I was young. :-) Same dynamics, but my dad was in another state so visits were farther in between and longer. I even asked to move in with him when I was 14 and my mom said "ph hell no!" bc she knew he wouldn't be responsible to keep me out of trouble.

It took me years to see through all of it and realize that my mom was doing the much harder job of laying down the law and protecting me. There are LOTS of times she kept me from getting myself into major unhealthy and dangerous situations and I'm so thankful she had the guts to "be the bad guy" for all those years.

Hang in there. :-) I'm not sure what to say about how to keep your heart from breaking as she sorts it all out. :-(. But she needs you to stay strong and do what's best for her even when she hates you for it.

((hugs))

And now I'm going to go say thanks to my mom, too. ;-)

Suzi 10-14-2012 11:51 AM

Re: Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
 
I'm divorced and so his my bf. His daughter is 8 and she struggles with this. They have 50/50 custody and its pretty common for her to want to be with mom when she is with dad and to want to be with dad when she is with mom. They have a fairly good divorce so we can all talk about it.

Keep being as loving and consistent as you can! Try to not say anything bad about her dad and if you can come up with some positive things that would probably help. Its hard as heck for me to say good things about the boys' dad but when I do my son will really open up and talk to me about more things. Hang in there!!!

lalaith 10-14-2012 02:30 PM

Not in your situation personally, but my aunt was. I remember her fretting about the same things you are now when my cousin was about that age. I don't know the details, but I do know that now, at 17, my cousin FAR prefers being with my aunt, and credits her with keeping her on the straight and narrow.


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