Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com

Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/index.php)
-   Parenting Talk (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=12)
-   -   WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more) (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1453271)

crunchymamaNY 10-12-2012 07:44 PM

WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
My son is active, and nearly 13 years old. He's a fairly bright kid, but doesn't take school seriously (how many preteen boys do?). Anyway, he's also in football, and it's pretty draining as it's 6 days a week for 2+ hours each day (not including games).

Anway, my son has seemed frustrated with football, and talking about quitting. The season is only 1 more month, and I asked if he would try and stick it out just that much more, and he'd feel good about himself for accomplishing something so big.

Anyway, last week was open house at school, and I talked to my sons teachers, and a few of them confided in me that he's not completing his homework lately, and is becomming goofy and distracting the other students.

I talked to him about it, and he said he'd change. But, yesterday his math teacher called me and said it's worse, and another teacher said the same thing. I asked him to stop or else he would get detention. I also told him that we will be removing all electronics from his room until he catches up and does better in school.

Today, I get not 1, but 2 phone calls from the asst principal. 1st one the principal tells me that the kids just had an assembly at school about anti bullying. within minutes of the assembly, my son puts a kick me sign on another student and kicks him!! I was mortified as my son has never got into trouble like this before. He's never caused trouble in a serious manner like this. He received detention at lunch. A few hours later the asst principal called again saying that my son received a referal from the bus company stating he was jumping around on the bus! So, he got 45 min detention after school. I didn't know what to do.

After school and detention (twice in 1 day), I drove him to football.

I told him I decided his punishment was to do a day's worth of community service and help the elderly. He complied.

After my husband picks him up, my son was in a horrible mood. I wanted to know what was going on. This wasn't like him at all.

He said his coach was harrassing him, and being mean. He was making him do extra exercises in front of the other kids while he used his whistle between each exercise until my son couldn't do any more. He also made another kid do the same thing. The other kids stood in a circle to watch as the coach basically embarrassed the 2 boys for several minutes for missing practice yesterday. Other kids miss practice all the time, but nothing was ever done, until today. My son and the other kid also lost their positions in football, and are not "subs", which is humiliating, and down right awful. They won't be playing any more games!! All this from missing 1 practice. You know how I found out about this???? From the other mother who told me....not from my son. When I asked my son if this was true, he said yes, and wanted to quit.

I felt so badly for my son! This has been going on for a bit now. The coach is picking out my son from the other players and being a bully to my kid!!!!!!

I can understand why my son is acting this way now. What do I do???? I don't want to punish my son now. I feel so horrible. My own son being bullied by an adult. Why didn't I let him quit when he wanted to before? Why didn't I listen to my motherly instinct as I could tell something was going on?

I'm going to talk to the asst principal about this Monday. I want to beat on that coach for acting this way to my son and the other boy. The coach is supposed to be a mentor. Not pick on a specific child for missing 1 practice. I could see if he did that with all kids that missed practice, but not JUST my kid and the other one. And to hear this from another mother?? AHHHH!!!!

What would you do?

waterisntsomething 10-12-2012 08:08 PM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
Definitely let him quit and talk to the principal. Maybe talk to your son about everything and explain that is someone is treating you that way it is important to tell someone and not take it out on others. Hugs mama, that sucks, I would want to beat that coach too!

mapleleaf88 10-12-2012 11:12 PM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
Report to the asst principal. If they won't handle it adequately, report it to the principal. If they won't handle it adequately, go to the school board. Keep going up until you get answer.
It absolutely sickens me that ADULTS are bullying CHILDREN. Especially the adults that are supposed to be there as a good example and role model for the team.

eguisgirl 10-12-2012 11:33 PM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
I would bring it up to the higher ups at school or talk to the coach yourself. What a terrible situation and totally unacceptable!

I would keep the discipline for the bullying (if you still had any going) because he should not be allowed to bully others regardless and I may lighten the discipline about the grades (say once everything is a C or above he gets some electrontics back and B or above and he gets it all back, for example).

I think the coach needs disciplinary action against him for bullying and if your son really wanted to quit football, I would allow it. Does he have anything else he is passionate about? Other hobbies? If not, I would worry a bit about all the freetime and try and channel that energy into something positive.

Good luck! I am sorry you are going through this!

crunchymamaNY 10-13-2012 06:18 AM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
THanks all. I wasn't sure if I was "over reacting" and didn't think that I was but wanted to make sure.

Dawn, good points!

Yes, think that my son should still be punished for being a bully. It's unacceptable regardless of how he was treated. My hopes is that my son understands now the sadness that comes from it.

I think my son needs a bunch of love right now. My husband is taking him out target practicing this morning with his grandpa. I think some "men time" is good for him right now. It'll take his mind off of things for a bit! I think he needs that.

My son is still quite active. So even if football was removed from his schedule (at his choice), he still loves to ride his bike daily, and loves outdoor activities (even if it's super cold here in NY). Basketball starts soon, so I'm sure he'll want to do that. He also plays baseball, and gulf. My girls don't do sports. Go figure.

canadianbakers 10-13-2012 08:54 AM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
I definitely don't agree with the coach treating the boys that way. :(

However, I do agree with having consequences for your DS's behaviour - including losing his spot on the football team and being a "sub", or being cut from the team completely.
Being able to play on school teams should be directly connected to how one behaves and performs in school. In my high school, it was. The players had to maintain a certain average in their school subjects to play on the team.

Again, I do NOT agree with the coach's treatment of the boys. I'm saying these consequences should be agreed upon between the teams and the school. It sounds like the coach is just being a jerk, in this instance.
If the coach is actually treating them this way, I would let him quit the team. Him being treated like that likely isn't helping his own behaviour, kwim?
But there would be major consequences at home for that behaviour - removal of all video games, computer, and tv, and grounding (not going anywhere other than school without a parent), until he shows a change in behaviour.

Mom2Connor 10-13-2012 02:03 PM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
I'm sure I'll be in the minority but a few points to make:

You haven't determined which came first (but honestly, either way, I still don't think the coach is "bullying" your son). You seem to be assuming that the coach has been "bullying" your son which is therefore causing your son to bully others. Honestly, it sounds to me (as you've written it) that the coach was aware or even witnessed your sons horrific behavior during the school gettogether, and therefore is punishing your son by altering his position on the team, making him do extra physical work, etc. My DH grew up playing football and this was totally normal and AFAIK from others with older kids in sports, it still is. It's not bulling to take team members who are misbehaving or doing poorly in school and bench them or make them run laps, do extra wind sprints, pushups, etc.

Regarding being late, is it because he had detention? If so, then it's likely more punishment - as I mentioned above - for the behavior vs being "late." Sometimes lifes lessons are not learned the easy way, and if the coach isn't beating him then quite frankly, if my son had behaved as yours had, I'd let the coach work his little butt off every single day and no, I would not let him quit the team because he didn't like the punishment.

omgoodgravy 10-13-2012 02:26 PM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mom2Connor (Post 15807177)
I'm sure I'll be in the minority but a few points to make:

You haven't determined which came first (but honestly, either way, I still don't think the coach is "bullying" your son). You seem to be assuming that the coach has been "bullying" your son which is therefore causing your son to bully others. Honestly, it sounds to me (as you've written it) that the coach was aware or even witnessed your sons horrific behavior during the school gettogether, and therefore is punishing your son by altering his position on the team, making him do extra physical work, etc. My DH grew up playing football and this was totally normal and AFAIK from others with older kids in sports, it still is. It's not bulling to take team members who are misbehaving or doing poorly in school and bench them or make them run laps, do extra wind sprints, pushups, etc.

Regarding being late, is it because he had detention? If so, then it's likely more punishment - as I mentioned above - for the behavior vs being "late." Sometimes lifes lessons are not learned the easy way, and if the coach isn't beating him then quite frankly, if my son had behaved as yours had, I'd let the coach work his little butt off every single day and no, I would not let him quit the team because he didn't like the punishment.

NO! Not at 13. As a Coach you dont get to punish a kid because of something he has not control over. She said it was for missing practice not being late, sounds like Mom drops off so I am guessing a Rec program which means the Coach and school have nothing in common? OP is this program through the school? If so, I have an issue with multiple punishments meaning from the school and the football coach and the OP's post made the reason clear, they dont get it! If the Coach is punishing him because of what happening in school then he needs to say that, but from the other Mom it was for missing practice and the son agreed, so the Coach is bullying the child. Making him do something that is embarrassing while others get to laugh and watch is not COOL and downright bullying. If my kid acts like a jerk at practice (and yeah I am that parent that makes it very clear to my kid when he acts like a jerk) then yeah the Coach can lay the law down. If this was high school/college and my kid was acting this way they sure nail his tail to the wall, but that is not the vibe I get from the OP's original post.
I would take him to the next practice with the promise of making things right. Have him gear up and head out with a smile on his face. I would then "pretend" to leave and have a little stakeout and see what Coach does, if things go smooth no worries, if Coach gets into bullying, make yourself known. I need to see it with my own eyes to make a determination, but seems to me that Coach thinks he can get away with it because you are not there and to fix that you need to show up, icognito works best. I would enjoy seeing him sqirm his way out of being wrong Coach that is.
It takes a lot to raise a boy to a man and bullying is definitely NO WAY to do it either on the field or off!

Mom2Connor 10-13-2012 02:29 PM

Re: WWYD (sensitive topic, bullying and more)
 
Well, perhaps OP can clarify on whether this is school related football or not, but you are entitled to your opionion and I mine. I am totally fine with double, triple, whatever punishments in a case like this. If my son behaved like that in school and received detention, and then missed practice because of it, I would be absolutely fine with the coach continuing the punishment.

wordmama 10-13-2012 04:13 PM

I'd ask the coach why he was punished before going ballistic. Honestly, my first reaction was to agree with Mom2Connor. The timing seems too coincidental that your son's misbehavior was right before the coaches punishment. If he was embarrassing others, the coach may have been giving him a taste of his own medicine. Is it fun for teens? No. But is it effective? Absolutely.

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:56 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vB.Sponsors