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-   -   Insight found, thanks. (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1453740)

vatblack 10-14-2012 01:54 PM

Insight found, thanks.
 
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Suzi 10-14-2012 02:49 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
I'm the single mom, similar situation. My ex's wife and I really get along pretty well, but that doesn't mean we always see eye-to-eye. We have 50-50 so I don't do anything when I could have them. If they have to work late I'm the one going to pick them up and watch them at their house. I use a babysitter about once a year. But, if I was in your shoes these are the things I'd tell myself to stay sane :)

She may not be working but she is doing something she thinks is important, and it may be important to her mental health and happiness. She could be dating, shopping, running errands, getting massages...I have no idea but as long as she's not doing drugs I wouldn't care too much. Brewing beer isn't exactly the kind of hobby I would pick up so I don't understand giving up time with my kids for that.

Some things I have felt are that I am one parent and they are two but they are only willing to do the same amount of work I do. Now, I want my kids as much as possible but sometimes you need help. I think they make twice as much money as I do but they certainly never pay more than 1/2 of a bill, so sometimes I think they owe me or crap like that. Now, I get back to my rationale brain and realize that this is not the case but I can see how other single moms might get stuck in that mindset.

MamaLump 10-14-2012 02:52 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
Ok, so take this with a grain of salt, because I am not a single mom, and I am not divorced. However, my parents had a pretty contentious divorce, and I was a pretty observant kid. Here are my thoughts.

Being a single parent is hard. During the 4 days a week when the kids are with her, she is solely responsible for meeting their needs, and keeping the house flowing. Between work, caring for the kids, and keeping up with household chores, there is likely very little time for herself. Without a spouse to help out this can be very draining. My guess is that she sees the weekends as her time to herself. In her mind she is probably thinking, from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening, Dad is in charge. She probably just thinks (and schedules) this as her time. I doubt it is malicious in wanting you guys to do all the running, just a mind set.

vatblack 10-14-2012 02:58 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Suzi (Post 15810693)
I'm the single mom, similar situation. My ex's wife and I really get along pretty well, but that doesn't mean we always see eye-to-eye. We have 50-50 so I don't do anything when I could have them. If they have to work late I'm the one going to pick them up and watch them at their house. I use a babysitter about once a year. But, if I was in your shoes these are the things I'd tell myself to stay sane :)

She may not be working but she is doing something she thinks is important, and it may be important to her mental health and happiness. She could be dating, shopping, running errands, getting massages...I have no idea but as long as she's not doing drugs I wouldn't care too much. Brewing beer isn't exactly the kind of hobby I would pick up so I don't understand giving up time with my kids for that.

Some things I have felt are that I am one parent and they are two but they are only willing to do the same amount of work I do. Now, I want my kids as much as possible but sometimes you need help. I think they make twice as much money as I do but they certainly never pay more than 1/2 of a bill, so sometimes I think they owe me or crap like that. Now, I get back to my rationale brain and realize that this is not the case but I can see how other single moms might get stuck in that mindset.

You make a good point about we being two and she being one. I try to keep that in mind. That is why we never push the issue with her about having the kids each weekend, even though they complain and feel deprived from taking part in stuff with their friends.

With the amount of child support we pay and me not working she has about 1.5 times the income we do. She is sitting pretty from my point of view.

But it is like you say, I get into the mindset that she owes us a trip down here. I need to snap out of it I guess.

I wonder what is going to happen today because we really cannot take the trip up there. Hope she gets back to us with an answer as to whether she is willing to drive or not. We might have to take the buses otherwise - which would be a 3 hour trip for us.

vatblack 10-14-2012 03:01 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaLump (Post 15810708)
Ok, so take this with a grain of salt, because I am not a single mom, and I am not divorced. However, my parents had a pretty contentious divorce, and I was a pretty observant kid. Here are my thoughts.

Being a single parent is hard. During the 4 days a week when the kids are with her, she is solely responsible for meeting their needs, and keeping the house flowing. Between work, caring for the kids, and keeping up with household chores, there is likely very little time for herself. Without a spouse to help out this can be very draining. My guess is that she sees the weekends as her time to herself. In her mind she is probably thinking, from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening, Dad is in charge. She probably just thinks (and schedules) this as her time. I doubt it is malicious in wanting you guys to do all the running, just a mind set.

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Mom2Connor 10-14-2012 03:29 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
Can you not at least meet half way? Honestly, I think she should be doing one or the other - drop off or pick up, but maybe she'll see it in a better light if you ask her to at least meet you guys.

vatblack 10-14-2012 03:42 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
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kimb96 10-14-2012 03:46 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
I am not a single mother but this is my opinion as a person on the outside. It isn't any of your business what she does with her free time and how she manages her work load.

I can see your point about doing all the driving for weekend visitation. But on the other hand, I imagine she has to do all the driving during the week. If the kids need to go to the doctor, she has to take care of it. Same for any extra curricular activities. In light of that fact, it is probably fair that your dh do the driving for weekend visitation. Although she could be accomodating in an instance where your car is broken.

You have posted before about the child support and how much she is getting. How she is sitting pretty. That is petty. Your husband has an obligation to support his other children. You choose not to work and in doing so there are sacrifices. It is wrong to bedgrudge your husband's ex and his children what they are due because money is tight for you.

vatblack 10-14-2012 04:19 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
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qsefthuko 10-14-2012 04:34 PM

Re: Give me insight please: Former spouses and parenting
 
I am not divorced nor have I ever been a single mom. I have however been the child in that situation. My child's perspective(probably not very rational but how I saw it) if my dad wanted to see us he could find a way to come get us. If this was an issue he could have found a way to make his marriage work. When it comes to making a party for a younger sibling from a second marriage, well we(we were 4 kids) were here first. We, not a second wife or second family, should have been the priority. He had us first he should have considered the impact of all of this on us first.

Now as for her doing the running. Presumably she does any running the kids need Monday through Friday afternoon. The kids father only has to do the running for 2-2 1/2 days. It seems to me that then is your husbands problem. It would be nice if she helped out on those days but hardly her responsibily.


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