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-   -   Another MIL post..WWYD? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1465219)

lizxvx 11-20-2012 12:24 AM

Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
DH and I don't talk to his mother, because we've had lots of problems with her in the past and to be blunt, she's crazy. We've been out of contact with her almost the entire time I've been pregnant. The other day we received a package in the mail with no note or card, but it was a baby gift. I posted it on fb and SIL responded saying her mom sent it. We decided to keep the gift and were planning on sending a TY card. But, now she has started causing ridiculous amounts of drama again...We are torn as to whether or not we should keep the gift. We don't feel that it's right for us to keep a gift from someone that we aren't speaking to. Our justification for keeping it was that it was something she wanted the baby to have, but now that there is drama involved, it's not worth it to us. The issue is, it will cost us a good chunk of money to send it back because of it's size. WWYD?

BeccaSueCongdon 11-20-2012 12:32 AM

Hmm...

Your MIL started the drama? What kind of drama? If its just her gossiping about you keeping a gift but not talking to her, I'd ignore her. If she actually contacted you to start a fight or demand you pay her back by letting her visit or something I'd tell her that she's welcome to purchase postage for it via PayPal to have it sent back to her, or you could call the company to ask about having it returned.

I'd lean more toward ignoring anything she says/does unless she actually outright confronts you.

BeccaSueCongdon 11-20-2012 12:33 AM

And if the drama is unrelated to the gift and is just standard drama, I'd keep it and not worry about returning it unless she's asking you to do so. I think making a scene out of returning it would just make more drama if the gift itself isn't a focus of the drama you're refering to.

raymark 11-20-2012 12:37 AM

Re: Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
I don't think that returning a gift should have to cost you $$.

You could send a thank you note from your baby, then dont initiate any more communication with her/ignore her attempts involve you in any drama. If a gift receipt was included you could return the gift & mail her the money you got back. Many retailers offer a card for store credit if you don't have a receipt & you could mail that back to her if you find a retailer that carries the item you were gifted.

But, if the gift was sent anonymously the sender should not expect a thank you.

lizxvx 11-20-2012 12:38 AM

Re: Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
The drama isn't about the gift, but now that I think she feels entitled to be involved since she bought us a gift. We found out yesterday that baby has dropped and is engaged and my step MIL was super excited so she posted on fb about how she was so excited to be a grandma and can't wait..then MIL comes back on step MIL fb with this (I took out my DH and SIL name),

"I guess it must be. Nobody has ever loved 'J' more than me, but, he doesn't make time for me, and is not part of my life. I haven't talked to him since spring. Every time I tried to call or email, he acted like it made him angry. So I stopped. He never called me to tell me it was a boy. I found out when I told 'A' one day that I liked the name Sophia. She told me it was a boy. Neither 'A' nor me knew the name was Oliver till today. For some reason, he has been hateful toward me almost since he married Liz. Oliver is the name we had picked if 'A' was a boy. It was going to be Oliver Ben."

raymark 11-20-2012 12:47 AM

Re: Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
Wait for her to try to claim entitlement because she sent a gift & then simply state that you accepted the gift as a gift, not as blackmail.

lizxvx 11-20-2012 12:55 AM

Re: Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by raymark (Post 15952270)
You could send a thank you note from your baby, then dont initiate any more communication with her/ignore her attempts involve you in any drama.

That was the original plan, but DH got a bit heated when he saw what she was going around posting and wanted nothing to do with the gift. He said we'd do whatever the ladies on Diaper Swappers said. :giggle: So, I guess that's what we'll do!

The reason we can't return it in store and it costs us $$$ to ship is because we are overseas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by raymark (Post 15952277)
Wait for her to try to claim entitlement because she sent a gift & then simply state that you accepted the gift as a gift, not as blackmail.

Oooh, that's good.

BeccaSueCongdon 11-20-2012 01:04 AM

I say put it up on a shelf (or in storage) for a while to give yourselves time to cool off. And maybe comment back on that thread on Facebook with "btw mom, this is a public forum and we can all see what you're writing. ;-)"

Or maybe not. Lol.

It doesn't sound so much like drama to me (at least what I was picturing) as it does she's trying to throw a pity party for herself. Some people are just Debbie Downers like that and will take every comment anyone makes and turn it into a "look at meeeeeeee" sort of thing.

If it helps, you could see it as a sign that she's deeply emotionally insecure and is probably very miserable on the inside. Sometimes that helps me have compassion for other people's annoying behavior. Then I'm able to make decisions from a calmer place so I don't stir things up worse or stuff it under the rug (both different extremes to avoid).

I would ask her if she sent the gift. And then say thank you. And let it end there. And if she wants to continue her pity party you could say," it sounds like this adjustment of your son getting married and having his own family has been a difficult one for you to adjust to and embrace positively - maybe a counselor could help you find tools to deal with your feelings so we can have a positive relationship."

But sometimes talking "normal healthy person" language makes crazy relatives foam at the mouth.

(Which is a little entertaining at least.)

lizxvx 11-20-2012 01:28 AM

Re: Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon (Post 15952294)
It doesn't sound so much like drama to me (at least what I was picturing) as it does she's trying to throw a pity party for herself. Some people are just Debbie Downers like that and will take every comment anyone makes and turn it into a "look at meeeeeeee" sort of thing.

With her..I just know this is the beginning. This past spring we started ignoring her completely and she called our house 11 times in the middle of the night (around midnight on a work night), it was so bad that we just had to answer the phone or else it wasn't going to stop. :banghead: She's also constantly emailing step MIL telling her that she's not a grandma and not to call my DH her son, because she's not their grandma or his mother. Which breaks my heart because I'm also a step mama.

I guess I'll just keep the gift, send a very generic TY card, and carry on. :)

mibarra 11-20-2012 09:05 AM

Re: Another MIL post..WWYD?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lizxvx (Post 15952271)
The drama isn't about the gift, but now that I think she feels entitled to be involved since she bought us a gift. We found out yesterday that baby has dropped and is engaged and my step MIL was super excited so she posted on fb about how she was so excited to be a grandma and can't wait..then MIL comes back on step MIL fb with this (I took out my DH and SIL name),

"I guess it must be. Nobody has ever loved 'J' more than me, but, he doesn't make time for me, and is not part of my life. I haven't talked to him since spring. Every time I tried to call or email, he acted like it made him angry. So I stopped. He never called me to tell me it was a boy. I found out when I told 'A' one day that I liked the name Sophia. She told me it was a boy. Neither 'A' nor me knew the name was Oliver till today. For some reason, he has been hateful toward me almost since he married Liz. Oliver is the name we had picked if 'A' was a boy. It was going to be Oliver Ben."

Good grief. Why are MIL and step MIL FB friends anyway? Sounds like a recipe for disaster there. Now she's claiming to have named your baby, and implying it's your fault that her son doesn't like her. If she sent the gift anonymously, IMO she shouldn't expect a thank you not. I think returning it will cause more drama, I'd send a thank you from baby and be done with it.


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