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wordmama 12-02-2012 02:29 PM

Baby paranoia after multiple losses *children mentioned
Hey mamas! It's been a while since I've posted anything but congrats and hugs in S&S. But I have a problem I think only you ladies can understand/help me with. It involves the birth and life of my DD, Teagan. So if you're not feeling up to reading about children, stop now.

You can read our birth story through my siggie, but the short story is that it took us nearly 18 months to conceive her and we lost many tiny babies in that time. Throughout the pregnancy, I was terrified that I was going to lose her. I was put on bedrest at the start of the 3rd trimester because I started dilating and contracting. I was hospitalized a half dozen times. We survived pneumonia, kidney stones and an anaphylactic attack together.

My water broke at 35 weeks and after a terrible induction, I was rushed to an emergency c-section because her stats crashed. They couldn't get her out because I have a cupped pelvic floor and bicornate uterus, so they made a T incision and pulled her out by her feet. She was born unresponsive, but was quickly revived.

All this to say, I was traumatized by our conception journey and her birth. I now find myself unable to let her out of my sight. She naps in the Ergo, sleeps in my bed and comes everywhere with me.

Has anyone else been through this and managed to attain a healthier attachment? How? I tried a regular counselor and found her NO HELP at all. I'm thinking I need to find a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing. Does that exist?

TIA if you got through all that. thanks even more if you can guide me.

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cdeweese 12-02-2012 02:32 PM

Re: Baby paranoia after multiple losses *children mentioned
No advice Mama, but :hugs:

amyltc 12-02-2012 02:35 PM

Re: Baby paranoia after multiple losses *children mentioned
:hugs: I don't really have a solution for you but I think that you are completely reasonable to feel the way you do :hugs:

firemommaof1 12-02-2012 02:51 PM

Re: Baby paranoia after multiple losses *children mentioned
((hugs)) mama. I can only imagine how you feel. I would seem rather normal to me from the outside but I would consider trying to find a counselor that specializes in this area. It would probably do you some good just to talk thru some of the emotions your having. Or a support group? I'm sure you could find something online and be able to talk with other moms who are having the same emotions. I'm so sorry for your losses.

FerventlyDreaming 12-02-2012 02:54 PM

I don't know if it was/ is as bad as what you are going through but after losing my first son and having a very complicated pregnancy with many near losses with DS I find myself very attached to him. I left him three times in the first year. Once to go to the cemetery and I was gone about a half-hour, once to try a date night that lasted about 2hrs and DH and I agreed we would have had more fun if we took him with us and once for an hour to get a hair cut.

I had to start leaving him at times when I was pregnant with DD. I would only leave him if I absolutely had to but it happened half a dozen times or so. Than I was in the hospital when I had DD for a week and barely saw him. For all of those times he did great and never cried when I left him. No separation anxiety or seemingly unnatural attachment at all.

After I was gone for the week and came back he has had a lot more anxiety. He often cries when I leave him.( we have had to for foster care training) When I first got back from leaving him for that week he would cry when I just left the room or went to the bathroom. It breaks my heart to know he thinks I might just disappear again.

All of this to say he did not seem to have any kind of unusual attachment because I kept him close. I held him for every nap, slept with him, etc. The only thing that made him anxious when I left was when I was just gone for a week and we were all in NY so he wasn't even in his own home. I think any kid would have had trouble with that.

If you feel you need help by all means get the help! But just know what you are doing is not likely doing any harm to your DD. I was/ am okay with my "over" attachment to DS and feel that if my family is happy there is nothing to worry about. That is something only you can know.

ktmelody 12-02-2012 02:58 PM


I have had many losses as well. But I think the way you are towards your dd IS healthy! I dont ever let me babies (newborns, etc) out of my sight. They sleep with me, go with me and are always with me. I think you are being a mama bear and that is ok! Babies are meant to be loved on and cared for by their moms.

I am sure over time, you will be able to let go some, but I do think what you are feeling is normal.

Many many hugs to you!

wordmama 12-03-2012 06:31 PM

Thank you so much mamas. I am an attachment parent with all my children, but I recognize that my actions with Teagan are beyond this. It's anxiety and paranoia that grip me when we're not touching. I need to feel her breathing to be at ease. Even when we're sleeping, my hand is on her abdomen so that I can feel her breathe.

I have this morbid belief that I was never meant to actually bring home a third child. That any day now God will realize it and take her back.

I know my emotional state is damaged. I just don't know how to repair it.

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yellowitchgrl 12-04-2012 08:43 PM

Re: Baby paranoia after multiple losses *children mentioned
I think I'm going to be that way, God willing that he lives. I wish I had an answer. I'm kind of just going to ride it for as long as I need to.

wordmama 12-05-2012 06:58 AM

Sarah - looking back, I knew I'd be struggling before she was born too. I'd suggest you find and start counseling now. Maybe it'll help to put your mind in a more positive frame of mind before the big day. I'm thinking counseling should be mandatory for any mama who is carrying a rainbow baby to help us process the complex emotions.

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum

clatchford2011 12-07-2012 06:23 PM

Re: Baby paranoia after multiple losses *children mentioned
mama I would say that your attachment to her is expected. But I would have to also say that it may be a good idea you do seek a counselor to talk about your experience to help you coap and heal. It sounded seriously traumatic and with any traumatizing situation you want to "debrief" and gather your thoughts and talk it out. ((hugs))

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