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-   -   Suggestions for 4 year old behavior problems (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1472053)

Lanasmom 12-13-2012 05:12 AM

Suggestions for 4 year old behavior problems
 
DD is 4, will be 5 in April. We are having some serious behavior issues with her at school and at home. She is defiant. At school she has been known to 1) hit or kick "because she wanted to",2) she screams at her friends, teacher and brother, and 3) she flat out refuses to obey. Usually she only chooses one of the above 3 categories to do per day. Then sometimes she is just an absolute doll and helpful and well behaved.

We are a family who will not tolerate misbehavior especially the hitting, kicking, pinching and screaming. There are ALWAYS consequences but none of our consequences seem to affect her. We do spank, but soon realized that it did not curb her behavior. She doesn't care and in fact laughs at us most of the time. Next we tried taking her favorite blankie and her dolls and toys. She didn't care about that either. So the past two nights she has come home from school and had to spend the rest of the evening until bed time in her room by herself. That didn't seem to curb her behavior either.

Her daddy and I had a talk with her and told her that if she didn't behave today and tomorrow at school then the presents she gets to open this weekend (we are celebrating with my family this weekend) became ours until she could obey. She looked at us with a smirk and said "Well you'll just give them to me later anyway." Needless to say that made us very angry.

She has been told that if she isn't good today and tomorrow and next week at school then there will be no presents from us, grandparents or Santa. She understands but is testing us. She doesn't think we will follow through. She just smirks at us when we remind her what her behavior should be and how she can make sure she gets Christmas.

So my question is this....How do I convince her we're serious before it is too late? And if she does make me follow through, How do I go about letting her earn her presents back?


This is all made worse by the fact that her 2 year old brother understands he is supposed to be good and he has been an ABSOLUTE ANGEL for us and his teachers in the past 2 weeks. He will be getting all of his Christmas.

BTW: We are a family who goes ALL OUT for Christmas b/c we don't do it any other time of the year!

blackbirdmama*3 12-13-2012 07:45 AM

Re: Suggestions for 4 year old behavior problems
 
I'm not sure you can convince her before hand. You may end up holding her gifts. My dd is much like yours. She is obsessed with skinny jeans but only has 2 pairs. This week she threw tantrums on Tuesday and Wednesday morning to wear them. Tuesday they both were dirty, Wednesday morning the were both in the wash. She refuses to get dressed and sits in her undies in the floor crying so I told her that whatever she has on when I am ready to leave is how she is going out the door. She kept telling me "no you won't". Tuesday she hurried at 2 minutes til time to leave and dressed and Wednesday I carried her to the car in only pants. I did wrap her in a blanket. She goes to my dad's before school so she finished dressing there. She hated every minute of it and this morning she dressed when she was supposed to. She also is not allowed to wear skinny jeans for 1 month.

I am baffled by her at times. No discipline works well for her. At school she gets smiley stickers if she is good on her daily report and comments with a sad face if she is not. She has only had 2 smileys since Nov. 1. She does just enough to keep from the smiley but does not misbehave so bad to be sent to the principal. Her dr and teacher (special services pre-k, which started out for speech) have brought up possible Oppositional defiant disorder. She is a very intense child and can be a joy but is also very exhausting to keep up with.

If you do end up holding her gifts, I would make a chart and make her earn them over the course of maybe a month? Depending on how you choose to give them back to her (all at once or divide them up). The main thing is to keep your word. With my daughter if there is any variance whatsoever in what we say vs what we do, she picks up on it immediately. I also suggest the book The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki. It discusses different temperaments and personalities and how to manage children who are harder. It gave me a better understanding of how my dd is wired which helps to head off situations with her because I am starting to be able to predict how she will act or react in different situations and can intervene before her behavior escalates.

:hugs::hugs: I do know what you are going through and it isn't easy.

luvsviola 12-13-2012 07:51 AM

Re: Suggestions for 4 year old behavior problems
 
My son is in counseling with a psychologist. He is so much like your daughter! I would suggest some counseling for your family. It is really helping us!

I also would recommend the book "Parenting the Defiant Child" by Kazdin. It was recommended to us by our developmental pediatrician.

MamaZnR 12-13-2012 07:57 AM

Don't make threats you can't or won't keep. She sounds smart and knows you'll cave. Even if he doesn't feel "hurt" when you take something away, continue to follow through. At this age consistency is key. I have a very hard 4 soon to be 5 yr old. But he has improved majorly. Parenting is hard work! Hang in there :)

blackbirdmama*3 12-13-2012 08:03 AM

Re: Suggestions for 4 year old behavior problems
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by luvsviola (Post 16038021)
My son is in counseling with a psychologist. He is so much like your daughter! I would suggest some counseling for your family. It is really helping us!

I also would recommend the book "Parenting the Defiant Child" by Kazdin. It was recommended to us by our developmental pediatrician.

I'm not the OP but I am going to get that book!


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