Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com

Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/index.php)
-   Adoption and Foster Care (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=152)
-   -   Any advice? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1486618)

TheCoach'sWife 01-29-2013 11:10 AM

Any advice?
 
This is long and complicated so bear with me...

First and Foremost, I love my son.

I met my husband when E was 15 months old. E's bio mom is a drug addict, she hasn't been around much at this point, she left when E was 6 weeks old for a few months, and then again when he was 6 months permanently. At this point my now Hubby got full custody and BM is not even allowed visitation. DH and I got married when E was 2. It was quick but we knew what we wanted.

Every couple of years BM will get busted for some infraction like soliciting, drug possession or something of that nature, go to court ordered rehab, and then the people in rehab try to use E as almost a "healing" tool. As part of her rehab she tries to get custodial rights and takes us to court. At this point in his life E has no clue who she is. All this does is cost us money for a lawyer (instead of our vacation that year), cause his dad and I to not sleep for months, and just pain all around.

We have talked to psychologists about when it is best to tell E I am not his BM. He has some behavior and emotional maturity issues, and she has advised us to wait until he is more mature (he is 7 now). The thing is, he has an older brother and he is a smart kid. Eventually it will hit him.... Why does my brother not live with us? And while I have rehearsed the conversation a million times in my head, I'm just not ready. I have been on edge for months. It's like I know its coming. The thing is, I'm scared he will want to meet her. Which will ONLY devastate him in the end and I just want to keep my baby boy safe.

At any rate, is anyone else in a similar boat? If so, any advice? How did your kids take it?

Rewind_Selector 01-29-2013 06:25 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
I really don't have any advice on how or what to tell him. But I can tell you my experience.
When I was 8 I found out my dad wasn't my dad. It was heartbreaking, mind blowing and world shattering for me. When my mother told me it was not her choice but that someone else had blurted it out. She had no choice but try to do damage control at that point.
I obsessed about it for weeks. Where is he? Who is he? Why did they lie to me? My "dad" doesn't really love me like he does his "real" kids(my brothers). I made up stories and fantasized about him. All of this never really went away (even now) but it lessened as time went on. If I had been told it was my mommy I know it would have been 100 times harder. She was my world.
I guess I do have one little bit of advice. When you do tell him be prepared for questions. A lot of them! And even if months later he is still asking questions answer them. My mom got to point where she was exhausted answering my questions and I got a lot of "I don't knows" and "not right nows". It made me fell like the most important thing happening in my life at that moment meant very little to her and that just added to the hurt.

DottieHarley 01-29-2013 06:36 PM

I am an adoptee. I find it strange that a psych told you not to tell him yet.
I was intl adopted as an infant and just always knew that, while this is my mom and dad, they are not the ones that gave birth to me. They started with "your birth mommy couldnt take care of you like she wanted, so she gave you to us bc she knew we would live you." Then as i matured they added pieces about the single mom, etc. i actually didnt find out the WHOLE truth until I was in college, and honestly there were sone details i would mot have handled well before that.
Can you start mentioning, in a very matter of fact way, "your birth mom?" He is going to need to know at some point.
Dh had a friend who didnt find out til she was 13. Needless to say, it REALLY messed her up.

TheCoach'sWife 01-29-2013 06:49 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
She told us it was not the appropriate time for him. We have been working through some behavior issues, and she feels he will mature emotionally in the near future, but now is not the time. He never knew another mom, all he remembers is me. My husband and I have debated for years on when, but never were able to just come out and do it. I don't want to see him hurting. I feel like it would have been easier to just keep telling him from the start in hindsight. And now it feels like this giant balloon that will pop any day. I don't want to tell him. I am his mom. I am his mom because I wanted to be, not because I had to. It's like watching my heart walk around outside my body... I want to protect him from all the hurt feelings even if I know it is irrational. Even if it is just for one more day.

juclark77 01-29-2013 07:18 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
I think you should tell him really soon. He will probably feel betrayed if he finds out from someone else. The nice thing about kids this age is that they aren't really deep thinkers. Don't stress too much about finding exactly the right words and getting it perfect. My kids are 5 and 6. When I get all worked up about telling them something "big" (like discussing racism or showing them a pic of their birth mom for the first time) they are interested for about 30 seconds then run off to play with legos or something. They may bring it up later in bits and pieces, but there hasn't had to be any big, serious discussions. Just get it over with before he finds out some from someone else.

This Podcast may be helpful to listen to. Talking With Kids About the Hard Issues in Adoption
http://www.creatingafamily.org/radio...ith%20Adoption

BB&J 01-29-2013 07:24 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
I don't post much, but I have a dd whom we adopted at 5 weeks. I know how you feel about the balloon popping.

We actually eased her into "knowing". This sounds a little crazy typed out - but we have always been involved with dog rescue. Since she was very little we talked about how sometimes families love their dog, but couldn't take good care of them, so we needed to find other families for them. As she grow up with this, she saw how happy the "new" families were and how much better the dog felt. And even sometimes, how sad the families were that had to say good-bye.

When we were finally pregnant with DS, we knew we had to tell her or we were going to have to lie directly to her. She was asking about being in my tummy...ect. Understanding that "adoption" helped and it wasn't because her bmom didn't want her, made things a bit easier. Still emotionally rough for all of us, but she understood the concept.

I hope that doesn't sound insane, it's probably why I don't post too much; what I am trying to say doesn't seem to make since when I type it.:giggle2:

Prayers for your family.

Vickie

TheCoach'sWife 01-29-2013 07:49 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
Thanks for all your replies. It helps to be able to tell someone, I can't really do that IRL. We are so careful with who knows. Knowing what he will feel makes it 10 times harder. Having feedback from someone who has actually been there is nice.

FindingMercy 01-29-2013 10:34 PM

There are some great children's books with adoption themes. I think that would be a great way to introduce him to the concept of adoption in a positive way.

I do think this convo needs to happen soon though. Like, yesterday. :) It will get nothing but harder as he gets older.

Start slow though. Make sure he first knows what adoption is. Then slowly proceed with sharing parts of his story in a conversational way so that its not a super stressful overly emotional sit down moment.

You can do this. It will be best for your son.

luvbeingmomma 01-30-2013 09:17 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
I think it is harder on them the older they get.

megs715 01-30-2013 09:46 PM

Re: Any advice?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BB&J (Post 16223292)
I don't post much, but I have a dd whom we adopted at 5 weeks. I know how you feel about the balloon popping.

We actually eased her into "knowing". This sounds a little crazy typed out - but we have always been involved with dog rescue. Since she was very little we talked about how sometimes families love their dog, but couldn't take good care of them, so we needed to find other families for them. As she grow up with this, she saw how happy the "new" families were and how much better the dog felt. And even sometimes, how sad the families were that had to say good-bye.

When we were finally pregnant with DS, we knew we had to tell her or we were going to have to lie directly to her. She was asking about being in my tummy...ect. Understanding that "adoption" helped and it wasn't because her bmom didn't want her, made things a bit easier. Still emotionally rough for all of us, but she understood the concept.

I hope that doesn't sound insane, it's probably why I don't post too much; what I am trying to say doesn't seem to make since when I type it.:giggle2:

Prayers for your family.

Vickie

Vickie, this does not sound insane at all!

OP, my son came home from overseas at 16 months, he has no memory of Russia at all. When I got pregnant with my ydd, was when it really came up for him. He knew he was born in Russia, but didn't really get that he wasn't my biological child. When I was pregnant, he asked about being in my belly, and I told him that he wasn't. There was a special lady (who also happens to have a drug history...but honestly he doesn't need to know that, he needs to know where he originated from) who carried him in her belly, who then told the people in the orphanage to find him the best mama they could, and they found me (geez, that sounds like I think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread :blush:). I came to Russia, to meet him, and I thought he was the greatest baby ever, and boy was he cute. And then I had to go home b/c the judge wanted to make sure he'd be loved, so I did some paperwork. Then I came back, and took him home forever. It is a very simplified version, of course, but it is what he needed at the time. He hasn't had much else to say about it. Honestly, it just doesn't even hit his radar for important events in his life right now. Best of luck!


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:38 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vB.Sponsors