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jbug_4 02-05-2013 07:26 AM

Shy kids
 
I am not really sure what to do. DD is really shy. She has always been timid, but her first year she spent in pain and very clingy to me. We always assumed her timidity stems from that. She has been doing fine in kindergarten. She didn't sing during her class Christmas performance which is pretty typical of her. DH talked to her about it but I told him to let it go that she is shy and lecturing her wasn't going to help. He does not understand shyness at all. Anyway she has always been timid and refuses to try a lot of things. Won't climb monkey bars, refused to go down a slide for the longest time, wouldn't do the rock wall at the last b-day party she went to. That kind of thing. She cries and says she is scared. At recess her and her friends chase each other and she tries to play tag with 2 year old ds. Yesterday as class exercise they played tag. Not sure if has a different name or not but its the one where everyone the gets tagged stays in and continues tagging until every is "it". DD did not participate. She told her teacher she was scared then sat and watched. DD told me before we left for school this morning that she didn't want to play it because there were too many people running around. Her teacher stopped me this morning to make sure I was aware and that she told her she was scared. She is a lot like me in that she can be outgoing in small groups but is usually quiet. And wants to disappear in large groups.

i have got to do something about this. It sucks being that shy person all the time. Being left out and not participating because of shyness. I don't want her to live like that but i am not sure I can do anything about it. I didn't come out of my shell until my 20's. I don't want her to feel like she has missed out on things like I do. I understand the feelings- I wouldn't even go to class the 1st day of classes in college because I was terrified to stand up and do the stupid first day of class introductions. Even in elementary school I hated being called on and always froze in school when I was. I just don't know how to help or if I even can. She tests (verbal) as not knowing things that I know she knows because we do them at home. but she won't speak up at school when asked.

I need to sit down with her and find out exactly what the issue is- whether she is being shy and timid or if she is embarrassed because she can't quite keep up. If its the keeping up I might be able to help her with that. She had significant gross motor delays from her milk intolerance not being diagnosed until 1. She had PT for 2 years. She is still borderline gross motor delay and we have the option of PT if we want it. The doc and PT said that as long as she is participating in gross motor stuff in her peer group she can stay out of PT. But if she doesn't then we need to put her back in PT or she is going to drop again. At least if its that i can do something.

how to help a shy and timid kid? She is confident. And we do have her order her food and talk to cashiers and such. One on one or in small groups she is not shy, but larger groups she is. And the more active things are the worse she gets- same way I always was.

badmisterkitty 02-05-2013 07:48 AM

Re: Shy kids
 
I've got one just like it. It's.....frustrating? Maybe that's not completely the right word, but I don't have a clue how to deal with it.

Simple stuff, like replying when anyone says hello to her, stranger or known, she won't do it. Sometimes I take her to work and when a coworker comes into my office she will duck below my desk. I take her into the gym to sit with her class before school starts and she literally STOPS when she gets there because the somewhat large crowd of kids seeminly terrifies her. She does alright in smaller groups and doesn't seem to have any trouble in class. She is NOT confident, though. She questions everything. She's a watcher, not a do-er. She does not transition well.

Her pre-k teacher has expressed minor concerns. We had intended to send her to public school Kindy, but instead re-enrolled her in the private school she's at this year. Maybe I'm enabling her, but I would hate myself forever if she was miserable.

I used to tell people, "Oh, she's just shy," but she took offense to that so I stopped. Now I just gently remind her to say hello, then introduce whoever it is and call it good.

It is my sincere hope she grows out of it, but I'm just not sure.

BrownCowMama 02-05-2013 08:01 AM

She's a mini introvert :) just like many many grown ups are introverts, so are young kids. Try to encourage her in her quiet place rather then push her into uncomfortable places. She'll blossom when she's ready!

It is fruSterating sometimes, I have one too. I was also very shy (still am) and being forced into akward situations that could be avoided make me angry and embarrassed and its not nice to do that to a little child.

They're observing the world rather then jumping in and that can be a really good thing! :)

jbug_4 02-05-2013 08:01 AM

Re: Shy kids
 
See she did great in preschool but her class was only 12 kids. There are 19 in her kindergarten class. We didn't put her into preschool until 4 because she just wasn't ready. I thought about early 5's but if she is really like me that wouldn't have helped anyway. She doesn't hide from individual people. its really just the large group. And lots of activity. Its very frustrating for dh because he has never been shy. but for me its more upsetting because I know what will come later if she doesn't change. I was never bullied or picked on, but I was always just there. And as an adult I feel like I missed out on so much and i can't get that back. i don't want her to be like that. Most books talk about confidence and shyness but she is confident.

Letting it go isn't really an option. The game she did not participate in yesterday was a class thing. It wasn't suppose to be optional. it was part of their dance class- she goes to an art charter school. She already got marked as needed additional help for not using her head voice (ie singing where everyone could hear her) in music. She loves her school though and loves doing dance, art, band and music.

carriek38 02-05-2013 08:57 AM

Re: Shy kids
 
There's a HUGE difference between introversion, shyness, general (or social) anxiety...and what sounds like a little legitimate fear of physically demanding situations.

Does the school have a counselor or other pupil personnel staff who could work with you to get your DD more comfortable with these situations? I don't think that forcing her to participate will do anything except become a power struggle...you'd probably get further by building her investment in changing her behaviors, KWIM? And school support (or even professional support) might help you do that. B/c there are negative implications if she doesn't change, I agree with you that it's important. Does she understand that she might have to go back to PT? Does she want remediation/additional help for things like singing?

The other thing is that if she's legitimately struggling with severe shyness, introversion, anxiety, etc., an art charter school with such an emphasis on performance is just not a good fit. I love the arts, but I am NEVER going to get on stage and perform. I just can't do it. I tried chorus for a term b/c I do enjoy singing...practices were great, but a near-panic-attack before the recital did clue my mom in to that maybe not being a great outlet for me. I think I was 11. It took a lot of work, but I can do public speaking without giving away my fear and panic...that doesn't mean that it ever went away, I'm just better at hiding it. Some of that may be necessary, but it needs to be on her terms & in her time. Just because she loves music & dance doesn't mean she has to specialize in it or be a performer...it's okay to do something just for the sake of liking it & the joy it brings, as an avocational interest, even in the absence of a drive to perform.

jbug_4 02-05-2013 10:33 AM

Re: Shy kids
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by carriek38 (Post 16250502)
There's a HUGE difference between introversion, shyness, general (or social) anxiety...and what sounds like a little legitimate fear of physically demanding situations.

Does the school have a counselor or other pupil personnel staff who could work with you to get your DD more comfortable with these situations? I don't think that forcing her to participate will do anything except become a power struggle...you'd probably get further by building her investment in changing her behaviors, KWIM? And school support (or even professional support) might help you do that. B/c there are negative implications if she doesn't change, I agree with you that it's important. Does she understand that she might have to go back to PT? Does she want remediation/additional help for things like singing?

The other thing is that if she's legitimately struggling with severe shyness, introversion, anxiety, etc., an art charter school with such an emphasis on performance is just not a good fit. I love the arts, but I am NEVER going to get on stage and perform. I just can't do it. I tried chorus for a term b/c I do enjoy singing...practices were great, but a near-panic-attack before the recital did clue my mom in to that maybe not being a great outlet for me. I think I was 11. It took a lot of work, but I can do public speaking without giving away my fear and panic...that doesn't mean that it ever went away, I'm just better at hiding it. Some of that may be necessary, but it needs to be on her terms & in her time. Just because she loves music & dance doesn't mean she has to specialize in it or be a performer...it's okay to do something just for the sake of liking it & the joy it brings, as an avocational interest, even in the absence of a drive to perform.

I don't know about the counseling I'll have to ask. I am sure they do because they are big on fostering community.

She SAYS she wants to be on stage and wants to perform. We talked about it before she started school. She wasn't scared and didn't have any issues with their Christmas performance. She was actually excited about doing it. Now she didn't sing. She stood there and did the movements they were suppose to do but didn't really sing. Every once in a while you would see her lips move. Kind of like when you see the videos of the kids concerts where one is standing there picking their nose, except she wasn't picking her nose just standing there. She also didn't have any issues after, said it was fun and she liked it. She has been on stage to accept a reward- just a come up to the stage and grab it and walk off type thing. She is always excited about stuff like that. She just doesn't doing anything once she gets up there. I think she would be pretty upset if we changed schools. And one of the main reasons we chose her school was based on their food allergy policies and experience. Her regular elementary school does not even come close. And since we live in a good school district the only private schools are serious Christian based schools. DH is an atheist so that won't happen.

Her teacher does say she is quiet, but she does raise her hand and ask to go to the bathroom if she needs to, which is much better than I ever did. it takes her a while to warm up but she usually does. It took 2 years for her to go from my lap to actively playing in her playgroup. Which was part of her PT program. If it weren't for the not singing thing I would think it was based on her physical confidence and limitations. That is really where its creates the biggest problem. I'll try to get more out of her tonight. I've been thinking about putting her into her YMCA gymnastics class again. She really liked it and she had the same teacher starting with a mommy and me class and moving up to me dropping her off. She has aged out of the group, but physically her teacher wanted her in the same group one more round before moving up. her teacher would love to see her again but the age group is 2 1/2 to 4. Not a problem with the teacher but I wonder if it would make dd feel worse.

pumkinsmommy 02-05-2013 11:14 AM

Re: Shy kids
 
I would suggest the pt again. That will help to build her confidence and possibly help her to be more comfortable around people.

escapethevillage 02-05-2013 11:37 AM

Re: Shy kids
 
If you don't want to do PT, maybe a dance class, or Karate?

I had my daughter in Little Gym classes for fun at that age, but, by 1st grade she only cared about dance.... the gym classes were fun, and good for her.

She was shy too, so she usually joined activities with friends.

7mom7 02-05-2013 03:56 PM

Re: Shy kids
 
I didn't read each post so perhaps this has already been suggested but have you had her eyes and hearing checked? My son was super shy and timid, very delayed crawling and walking, but verbal at the same time. He'd be scared if you threw a ball at him or if there were a bunch of kids running around. He couldn't climb stairs, play on the playground, or step off of a curb. He has very bad vision and now that he's had glasses for nearly a year we are starting to see him come out of his shell a bit. He's still more shy than my other child but he's been talking more in group situations and playing so much better with other kids. He was really scared of his world before glasses, much like how you were describing your daughter.

jbug_4 02-05-2013 04:24 PM

Re: Shy kids
 
Her eyes and hearing have been checked. Its a state requirement along with a "physical" before starting kindergarten. She will be required to do it again before going into 1st grade since their eyes are suppose to change a lot in between 4 and 6. Her physical stuff is from a dairy intolerance that wasn't diagnosed until 1 even though it was a problem starting at 3 weeks old. She did not meet her milestones because she was in pain and malnourished because she had a dairy intolerance- she did not sit unsupported, crawl or do anything she was suppose to physically by one. Once she was switched off dairy to soy at 1 a lot of things changed. All of her physical issues are still because of that. Because of the malnourishment in the first year she is likely to be borderline with gross motor for the rest of her life. her physical therapist straight out told us that she is not likely to ever play sports competitively. Which has been made obvious every time we sign her up for a sports class at the Y- except swimming. She does well with swimming but she will always have low muscle tone and loose joints (hereditary and not related to the dairy) which will set her up for injuries.

We always try to sign her up for something that will be difficult for her one term then follow it with a term of swimming. Hoping to challenge her but still keep her confidence up. But she doesn't really like swim classes. She is good at it but she doesn't enjoy it.


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