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-   -   Can I get advice re: teenager? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1504945)

Psychomom 04-01-2013 07:34 AM

Can I get advice re: teenager?
 
My 15 year old daughter is a really good kid. She is homeschooled while the other 3 are in public school. She doesn't like being homeschooled but it's what works best for her. She suffers from anxiety and while she does have a few friends, she is a homebody and rarely gets out, especially without me.

She really wanted to do The Color Run 5K. We found one nearby (2 hours away) and I signed her (and myself) up to do it. It cost $108. Two days later, she got caught in a lie. A very stupid lie, but a lie nonetheless. What bothers me most about the lying is that it was over a very minor infraction, and second, while I'm glad she's not a sneaky person, she had MULTIPLE opportunities to cover up her lie and she didn't bother.

On top of that, it's the 3rd such lie I've caught her in in the past year. I am a relaxed parent, but lying drives me insane. And it worries me that she keeps making the same mistake over and over and over again with no changes. I can't get to the root of why she's lying to me; she agrees that had she told me the truth to begin with I would have brushed the whole situation off. But she had to go and make it worse.

I am generally an easy-going parent. I hate taking stuff away from her because she has so little. (I am not talking in terms of material things, I am talking about a social life, which she barely has and really needs.) This 5K is important to her, but I don't want to let her do it because she lied to me.

Not to mention that I've already shelled out the money! My 10 year old or my 8 year old would love to go in her place, but I'll be very honest and say that I do not want to get up at 5am and drive 2 hours to take one of them; it's not as important to them as it is to the 15 year old.

Like I said, she has anxiety for which she takes meds and goes to counseling, which she hates. School is academically hard for her. Even though she has anxiety, she loved the social part of school and that was taken away from her with homeschooling. She has a hard time making friends and she doesn't want to keep in touch with the few she has because she's embarrassed to be homeschooled. She goes to dance classes but because she started late and is a beginner, she is the oldest by 3+ years in those classes. She is friendly with the kids but not friends with them. She takes tumbling class (she used to be a competitive gymnast) but is not friends with the kids in there. She was SO excited about this race and because other things are so hard on her, I'm having a hard time taking away, but don't want to "reward" her lie.

What do I do???!!! The 5K is this weekend.

keen1981 04-01-2013 07:41 AM

You let her go.

You express that as of right now, if there is anymore lying you will take a sibling to it and she will not be allowed to sign up for stuff again.


I was a great kid. Great. But I lied to my mom occasionally. I almost think she knew but never said anything. I think in a lot of ways it's things kids do. Especially if it's over stupid stuff.

Tris 04-01-2013 07:44 AM

Re: Can I get advice re: teenager?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by keen1981 (Post 16454982)
You let her go.

You express that as of right now, if there is anymore lying you will take a sibling to it and she will not be allowed to sign up for stuff again.


I was a great kid. Great. But I lied to my mom occasionally. I almost think she knew but never said anything. I think in a lot of ways it's things kids do. Especially if it's over stupid stuff.

I agree with this.

TalkinBoutMyGirl 04-01-2013 08:09 AM

Take her. That's serious $ but I would give her another punishment like cleaning toilets with a toothbrush or something lol

7 for now 04-01-2013 08:10 AM

Lying is the one totally unacceptable thing in this house that will surely get you into serious trouble. We do not tolerate lying at all. We are very open with our kids and they talk with us about everything. We want to encourage that open communication. We always tell them they can tell us anything without fear of us getting angry, AS LONG as they don't lie to us!

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum

myclanof6 04-01-2013 08:26 AM

I would let her go but only because the money was spent on it and it's not completely a "fun" activity. It is exercise and it seems like its a good one-on-one time for y'all.

I HATE lying with a passion! If I find out a friend is a compulsive liar I cannot be friends with them. Did I mention I HATE lying?
I give 1-2 chances to get out of the lie. After that my kids get in trouble for it. They absolutely hate cleaning, so that is always the punishment for lying.
The way I see it is if they know they have to do something they hate doing they usually come clean, depending on how stubborn they are being.
I have made them mop the floor with a towel (for the more serious offenses because we have hardwood floors and tile throughout), my oldest will have to hand wash dishes (family of 7 so it's a lot!), clean all the cabinet fronts and appliances, clean baseboards, clean another siblings room, fold laundry for a day (again with 7 it's a lot of laundry), clean bathrooms including toilets. The punishments are age appropriate, but the youngest boy is 8 so he is old enough to do just about anything.

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum most likely while nursing :)

escapethevillage 04-01-2013 08:28 AM

Re: Can I get advice re: teenager?
 
I would not let that be a punishment for this. (maybe something more serious)

I'd give her an "out" next time... like tell her "If you are lying, you have 60 seconds to change your story, no questions asked". (this worked with my cousin.. she'd start a story about a teacher, or school, then say "No..I'm lying..nevermind" or "No, i'm lying" and tell the real story)

But, unless her lies have something to do with the color run, i'd take her to that.

slimy72 04-01-2013 08:30 AM

Re: Can I get advice re: teenager?
 
I would find another punishment/ way to make it up to you other than the race. There must be something else she loves if you feel it must be punitive, or some way she can get the idea of lying is wrong. I personally wouldn't take away the race in that situation. Especially with the anxiety, you may just push her to be a more sneaky liar rather than helping her fix the problem. (FYI- I don't have teenagers of my own but I work with teenagers professionally).

Psychomom 04-01-2013 09:23 AM

Re: Can I get advice re: teenager?
 
Thank you, everyone. All your words were helpful to me. It helps me look at the situation from the outside.

I will take her to the race. Her punishment will be heavy duty chores around the house.

lemurmommies 04-01-2013 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by escapethevillage
I would not let that be a punishment for this. (maybe something more serious)

I'd give her an "out" next time... like tell her "If you are lying, you have 60 seconds to change your story, no questions asked". (this worked with my cousin.. she'd start a story about a teacher, or school, then say "No..I'm lying..nevermind" or "No, i'm lying" and tell the real story)

But, unless her lies have something to do with the color run, i'd take her to that.

Love this.

I would let her go. I have been the teenager with anxiety who was a really "good" kid, but did tend to lie. If it was me, taking away something that big would result in a major anxiety spiral and I would not have been able to let it go. I would find a different punishment for the lying (perhaps related to the lie itself) and let her do the run.


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