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bfoster2000 06-21-2006 11:18 AM

Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
I'm just curious as to how other mamas feel about visitors during labor and delivery. Personally, I think that childbirth is a beautiful thing but it is a very intimate, personal thing between dh and me (and *maybe* our other children but I don't think DJ is old enough to really appreciate it) so I don't want anyone else present until *our* family has had time to bond and is ready to introduce our newest member to the world.

One of my cousins is the exact opposite...she thinks that childbirth is a beautiful thing and should be shared with everyone in town. When her son was born, she fought and fought with her MW (the same one I'm using this time!) until she finally pared down the list of visitors to 16 people, 8 of whom were present for the actual delivery. I think that's fine if that's what she's comfortable with, but even she admits that she got a little ticked a few times during her 15 hour labor when there were a lot of side conversations going on and joking and the focus was not totally on her and what she was doing.

When I got pregnant the first time (the baby I lost), dh and I discussed who should be present for the delivery. I asked him if he would be more comfortable if my mom or someone "experienced" was there to help or if that would just make him more nervous. He said that it would make him more nervous and he thought it should be just the two of us (and the doc/MW). I was very glad. I made it very clear to both of our mothers very early in the pregnancy that it was not anything personal but we had decided that we didn't want anyone else there for the delivery. I also told them that I would prefer not to have a bunch of people (his parents, his sister and her husband, his grandparents, my parents, my sister, etc.) waiting at the hospital while I was in labor. I told them that we would let them know when I went into labor and keep them updated by phone and we would call them when we were ready to have visitors. I just wasn't comfortable with the thought of anyone waiting there at the hospital for 6-8-12 hours or whatever while I was in labor. It was a very sore subject throughout DJ's pregnancy but I told both mothers that if I couldn't count on them to respect my wishes, then we'd just "forget" to call them until we were ready to see them. They both reluctantly agreed. When the time came and I actually went into labor, my mother had just gotten out of the hospital with double pneumonia and was still very ill and weak. There wasn't even an option of her coming to the hospital to wait. MIL and FIL and my dad however did show up and drove the nurses absolutely crazy trying to get into the delivery room. At one point my dad did bust in there and he got quite an earful from me! Luckily I had a very short labor, but the whole time, I had nurses practically begging me to let MIL and FIL come in so that they would leave them alone. I was very b!tchy about it and made sure that no one gave them any updates. Either dh or I would call my mom and let her know what was going on and then she'd call Dad's cell phone so that he could let the people in the waiting room know. When DJ was born, of course they let me hold him for a few minutes but then they took him and put him under a heat lamp and again started begging me to let the others come in and see him. When I gave in, MIL walked in and picked him up from under the heat lamp and the nurse let her!! Once my dad saw that everybody was ok, he went home to get my mom and bring her up there. When she came in, MIL made a big deal about "letting" my mom hold the baby because she'd already gotten to. About that time BIL and SIL and Granny and my boss and dh's coworkers and everybody but the mailman showed up and it was all downhill from there! DJ was born on Friday and when MIL was at the hospital on Sunday, she made the stupid comment that the only person she'd never seen hold the baby was me. She wanted everybody to come home with us when we left the hospital on Sunday and I was (again...still) totally b!tchy and told her no, that I'd had enough visitors and wanted some time with *MY* family.

When my SIL was pregnant, I told her not to take it personally but we would not be visiting her at the hospital. I love her and was very excited about the baby but we would not be coming to visit until she called and let us know she was ready. She kind of thought it was odd, but later she thanked me. Her baby was born with a lot of problems and wound up in NICU and eventually passed away before they got to take her home so we did wind up visiting her in the hospital, but only when SIL told us that she wanted us there. She's told me several times that she really appreciated the fact that we tried to respect their family time instead of coming and camping out like so many others did. Of course, she won't tell her mother that!

So now we're getting ready to deal with this again and I feel even more strongly this time that I don't want ANYONE waiting at the hospital while I'm in labor. After the baby is born, I want DJ brought in so that our family can have some quiet time together and only *then* will I be ready to deal with grandparents and aunts and uncles and all that. I told my dh that he needs to address it with his mother sooner rather than later and if he doesn't, I will and it will not be pretty. I've tried several times to explain it to her nicely and she has all but come right out and said she doesn't care what I want. I was talking about it with my mom yesterday and she said that she probably won't be at the hospital this time because she'll have DJ with her but otherwise she would be there whether I want her there or not. She said grandparents have rights too and I'll understand someday. Ummm....ok? She did say that if I've made it clear that I don't want visitors that anyone who decides to wait at the hospital should just wait and not harass the nurses and me trying to get in, but she thinks she has every right to be there even if I don't want her there. DH said he doesn't care one way or the other, well, frankly I don't really care what *he* wants! And if he doesn't care and I do, well then, we should do it my way!

But am I really out of line here? I'm really past the point of fighting with MIL and FIL, if dh tells them I'm in labor, they'll be at the hospital waiting. Mom probably will stay home just because she doesn't want to have to deal with DJ (and MIL!) in the waiting room for indefinite period of time. But I've told my MW that I do not want any visitors during labor or immediately afterwards and I plan to stand my ground on that. My plan is that when the baby is born, I'll call my parents to bring DJ to the hospital and dh can bring him back to our room to see the baby. Once our family has had some time together and I've had time to rest a bit and recover, then we can let the grandparents come in...I don't care if they have to sit outside for 3 days! Am I being unreasonable?

yellowcampcat 06-21-2006 11:31 AM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
You're being perfectly reasonable. It is your family that is being added to, and your body that's doing the birthing. You get to make whatever decisions you want about it, and people shouldn't give you flack. This stuff about grandparents having rights too, is bunk. Sure, they're excited, but they don't need to be at the hospital annoying people or God forbid, in the delivery room!

We lucked out in this situation in some respects, bc our families live 5 hours away, but dd was a scheduled section (breech) and I still told everyone we'd call them when the baby was born--I didn't ask anyone to come.

Our 2nd is due in aug., and I plan to do the same thing, although this time my mom will be here caring for dd. She can come and bring dd when we call her.

that's my :2cents:

bethanyjoy 06-21-2006 12:02 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
My MIL is going to be like this REALLY bugs me when people can't respect our desire for privacy.

So, unless I end up needing her to watch the boys, I plan on NOT telling her when I'm going to the hospital. I will have DH call her after the birth and let her know an acceptable time to visit. TG, our hospital has VERY strict visit policies! But I'm honestly considering not allowing anybody to come visit us at hte hospital except my boys and my mom. We will see.

GL, I hope you find a way to work it out...I share your frustration!

Fullhouse 06-21-2006 12:08 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
You're being resonable. I had the same thing, but with c-sections, so scheduled. I didn't tell my MIL or FIL the date of the section, just my due date, and we would call. My FIL tried to come in the OR with the first!!! He's a dr and was at the hospital for a consult :yuck:

SugarBunsWool&More 06-21-2006 12:19 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
I think that is reasonable. Stick to your guns mama! :thumbsup:

Manna00 06-21-2006 12:48 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
I'm right there with you mama! I won the "no MIL in the delivery room" debate.... but now she plans on hanging out outside of the room the whole rotten time! ARRRG!! My parents (who live across the country) actually expected me to say "come after baby is born"... so they got their plane tickets for about a week after my DD. Worst of all... MIL is a nurse and thinks she can horn in on the L&D crew at MY hospital. I've told all of the nurses (DH thought we should slip them some cash) that they'll have one heck of a MIL to deal with when I come in! I can't do anything about her wanting to hang out outside though. It's a good idea to have DH call MIL only a few minuts before deliery or after delivery. Booyah.

Like PP said.. Stick to your guns.

GrowingUpMad 06-21-2006 12:55 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
You aren't being unreasonable at all. It's your family and your time. i said the same thing, except that I didn't care if everyone waited int he waiting room. When I was 16 and gave birth to my son guess who was in the room? Me and my selected coach, no parents, sblings, ect. My parents kept trying to sneak in so I firmly told my mother that if she did not get out I would have her escorted from the property, that worked. The nurses did not hand out info unless I gave them permission first and when I was ready the family was let in. With my dd it was a planned induction and family came and sat int he waiting room but no one dared try to come into my room. Ds was int here for most of the time but as it got close the nurses escorted him out to sit with my mom. This time around ds doesn't want to be in the room but dd does so dh and I may let her but no one else. If everyone wants to waste hours on end sitting at the hospital that is fine with me but don't try to see me before you are asked to. I like my personal space.

myajdw 06-21-2006 01:11 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
i think you are totally being reasonable. i'm dealing with kind of the same thing right now. my nieces are really wanting to wait at the hospital to see our son after he's born and i'm just not wanting a bunch of people come into our room right after i have him let alone him being passed around like that. if they want to wait that's fine but they will NOT come into my room at any point in time. then they're going to have to wait to see him until he's taken to the nursery and they can look through the window. they're aged 11-16 (and a very immature 11 i might add, so she drives me nuts anyhow). i understand they're excited but i just see it as being way too overwhelming immediately after a birth. and i'm very protective over my babies for at least a month after they're born (probably longer lol), i don't like tons of people touching them or passing them around. so for people to want to barge into my room when he's minutes old is just ridiculous. and i'm sure when we get home they'll want us to all go over there (we live next door) and we just want to get home go inside and lock the door and disconnect the phone lol.
with my first my other sister kept calling me like 10 times a day after i had him and just couldn't understand why i wouldn't answer the phone...duh, you've had kids LEAVE ME ALONE!!
at any rate, you are NOT being unreasonable and based off your 1st birth MIL and FIL and SIL should NOT be called until you are ready...or home.

lindsayncadence 06-21-2006 02:18 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
definitly reasonable!! I made sure the nurse didnt let people in till i was ready...weve already discussed and next time im having a homebirth just me dh and cadence. Im not telling anyone im in labor or had the baby till i feel like it and the phone ringers are goin will be funny bc they will be buggin the hospital not me hehehe

Shannon 06-21-2006 02:19 PM

Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)
Gosh, I wish I could say and expect the same thing without hurting/PO everyone. My mom has been in the room for the last two baby's and just assumes that she will be in again. My grandma makes me feel guilty for not jumping to have my mom there and says she just have to drive up to watch my kids so my mom can be there. The more I think about it, the more I just want me and Dh to be there. And then my kids, but if someone brings my kids up they'll just expect to get to come in too. ANd there's nothing I can do about people being at the hospital...they just will be. With DD1 the ENTIRE family camped out there and played games in the lobby until she was born. And then don't you know...EVERYONE left at the same time, when the baby was gone with DH to get a bath. Even my mom...left me alone with nobody. That really hurt my feelings:(

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