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-   -   Why does this have to be so hard? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=206467)

Lisa-Rachelle 08-16-2007 09:01 PM

Why does this have to be so hard?
 
You ladies are probably going to think this is soooo stupid. And maybe it is, but with all the hormones rushing around, it seems like a big deal.

I dont know how to tell my grandma that I'm pregnant again.

She's just a very bitter, critical and cruel person....she thinks she knows what is best for EVERYONE, because shes "been around 84 years....".

Her reaction to my pregnancy with DD was horrible. It went a little something like this....

"Hey Gram? I've got something to tell you."
"You do? What?"
"Mark and I are going to have a baby!"
"Oh no! What the hell did you go and do that for? Are you stupid? Werent you using protection? I can't believe you would do something like this...what is WRONG with you?"

It was dreadful. For two straight months I listened to her nag and belittle me for our choice to have a baby. She harped on everything from our age, to our finances, to the fact that "kids just ruin your life". I cried SO much.
She took care of me in conjuction with my dad my entire life, and when he died two years ago I know that he would want me to try and take care of her, and be kind to her. Hard as it is sometimes.

After DD was born, she makes it a point to tell me, "well Lisa, make sure you use some protection and dont have another kid. Thats all you need...more work, more money gone...just another big pain in the a**. Nobody needs more than one. You guys dont even have the maturity and money to take care of the one you got!" (which is completely untrue, btw).

At any rate...I am absolutely PETRIFIED to tell her I'm pregnant again. It's hard not saying anything..because it just wants to come up naturally in conversation. But I so dread hearing an even more catastrophic reaction when I tell her the news. My husband thinks its just ridiculous, and I should just blurt it out and get it over with....but when it comes to my Grandma, I still am so submissive to her..I dont know why.

So, I guess what Im looking for is some reinforcement. Tell me what the RIGHT thing to do is, here. I don't want to tell her "hey, you dont like it, then dont be in my life", because I am all she has. But I also dont want her feeling like it's o.k to belittle me and put me down over choices I make in my life. Of course, I probably should have remedied that a long time ago. Im 24 years old for Heaven sake! :banghead:

Any input would be greatly appreciated! :cry:

itsymama 08-16-2007 09:11 PM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
Ohh man ! I donno what to say , I would probably just not tell her and if she started to see that I was and said anything rude again I would let off on her , not saying you should do that but I don't think I could not go off on someone for treating me and my kid that way ! I'm sorry hun , that was/is no way to be treated in such a happy time , congrats on your new baby though :goodvibes:

Prettylocks 08-16-2007 09:15 PM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
I wouldn't tell her. Hearing her opinion on the matter would only cause pain. Sharing such wonderful news should be a joyous thing. Even when things aren't planned or happen at inopurtune times... I am surprised that in her 84 years that she hasn't learned that few things really matter in life. Family support and the prospect of new life are two of them. And now I am crying. Gotta love these pregnancy hormones, huh? :lostit:

Sweet_Fantasy_Fox 08-16-2007 09:19 PM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
I'm sorry mama:hugs: your grandma does sound bitter and just because she feels kids ruin your life doesn't make it so..
you make your life what it is and if she feels her kids did it, she needs to think again:2cents:
kids are wonderful and you should be proud to show off your great pregnancy news!
for me, i wouldn't bring it up to her, unless it just came out, but i would follow with a i couldnt be happier to expand my beautiful family, we are just so excited about this baby coming!
if she still tries to say soemthign negative I would just tell her, i am sorry you feel that way, but for me, this is the best thing that couldve happen to me!
just keep brushing off her negativity and keep telling her how HAPPY you and dh are, she will stop and just let it go, maybe so she doesn't have to hear you or whatever, but as long as she understands, YOU and your family are happy and that is ALL that matters!:goodvibes:

etsdtm99 08-16-2007 09:24 PM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
aww :hugs: I get similar reactions from my mom and it is SO hard- we are really close and she isn't like this with anything else, but both times i've told her i was pg she reacted horribly.. she just reacts out of shock and doesn't even realize she is being so hurtful... (my 2nd pregnancy she was way worse - called me stupid, etc. and then it ended in m/c so i'm hoping i won't have to deal with this again ..)

so, did your grandma just say things when you told her and when you had the baby, or does she bring it up all the time? if its something she brings up every day i'd wait as long as possible and then write her a letter or have DH tell her - there is NO reason you should have to tell her in person and subject yourself to having ot listen to her criticism.. once she knows and starts saying whatever negative things she has to say - just tell her she is being hurtful and that you don't have to listen to it and that you are going to leave and see her later .. so you're not cutting things off, just leaving whenever she is like that.. maybe she'll figure it out?

either way - i'm really sorry you're having to deal with this..

dirtdartwife 08-16-2007 09:39 PM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
I wish I could follow my own advice in this situation but you'll have to just let her know and let whatever she says slide off your back. My MIL is just as hateful to the extent of telling me in all my previous pregnancies that "It better be a boy otherwise I'm shoving it back in." and then when I miscarried at 14 weeks her first comment was "What did you do to kill my grandson?" (we never knew the sex of the baby). And now that this one is a boy, she's *really* laying it on thick about how "NOW you're going to be a *real* mother." (This is baby number four... I must have missed the whole "mom" thing with the other three kiddos).

And as hard as it is to stomach, and as hard as it is to just let it slide, you'll have to. For every negative comment, tell her "I'm so sorry you feel that way." and walk away. Be just as stern as she is in telling her how you feel either. Just because you're all she has doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap or have you allowing her to walk all over you. You don't have to walk away, but you can let her know that you won't be talked to that way.

And if she doesn't listen, then purposely show that you're ignoring her. When she makes a comment, don't even respond- watch TV, say something to your DH, say/do something with your other child, get up and leave the room. Something deliberate to show her that you just won't dignify anything negative she has to say with a response.

good luck mama and I wish you the best with this. And congrats on the new little one!!!!

MommaRhi 08-16-2007 10:31 PM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
Ugh, I know the feeling! When I told my MOM I was pg w/ my 2nd she didn't say much. My 1st ds was only 9 mos old when I got pg. Well, when I was about 2 mos along I went to my grandparents 50th anniv. party and my mom asked me if I told my uncle yet, and I said no. So I went to tell him and my mom said "Isn't that nice?" all snide and snotty. I was freakin married at that point for 2 yrs, with my dh for almost 5, and I was 23! Pete's sake! I ended up bawling and running to tell my step dad that he was married to the biggest b*^c@ in the world!
At this point, we will probably ttc in the next 12-18 mos going for #4 and you know what, our bills are paid, dh makes great money so I dont care what anyone thinks. You tell your grandma, and make sure you put on a BIG smile when you do it too! :thumbsup:

slockwood 08-17-2007 09:30 AM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
That's terrible.. My dad is like that but not as bad. He found out we were having a girl and said said "we all make mistakes" Because it wasn't a boy. :( And then he asked if I was going to get my tubes tied. This is only my second one. He just doesn't like kids and he can't imagine why people would want more than one.

Seems like your grandma is the same way. Tell her that you are pregnant and you guys want kids and you planned it. If she fights with you just leave. There is taking care of her and putting up with her nonsense and you shoudln't have to.

Lisa-Rachelle 08-17-2007 09:56 AM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
Thank you for all the input. I do appreciate it, and I understand where everyone is coming from.

To answer someones question, yes, she still has solely negetive things to say about parenthood in general. She is constantly telling me to have Mark get a vasectomy so we never have anymore children. She is quite persistent.
I hate to "omit" the fact that I'm pregnant. It would be easy to do for now, since we dont see one another, but we'll be moving back out to her native CA after Christmas and then it would just be impossible to hide (since I'll be 7 months along). And in a way, I feel like her reaction to KNOWING I hid it from her will be equally as bad. She'll probably give me the whole, "well obviously you're ashamed of it if you didn't tell me" type thing. She is VERY good at twisting facts into something other than the truth.

bradleymama 08-17-2007 10:36 AM

Re: Why does this have to be so hard?
 
This sounds similar to my relationship with my grandmother, and subsequently, I haven't shared my pregnancy with her either. I'm really not good at letting stuff *not* get to me, so I just do my best to ignore her, and sometimes knowing that I'll be upset by the response helps me to "brace" myself, and it seems to not hurt so bad. I think at this point since I'm looking more and more pregnant, I'll just have to stop by and let HER bring it up :goodvibes: Anyhow, I would just say something like, "I hear what you are saying and I'm sorry you feel that way because I'm very happy to be bringing another life into this world." I think it can be difficult with older relatives because its unlikely they will change and while you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of stuff, you also don't want to cut them out of your life and your kids lives. Best wishes, I'll be thinking about you :hugs:


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