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Lisa-Rachelle 09-26-2007 07:20 PM

Whats wrong with me?
*Warning, LONG!*

I hope this doesn't come off in such a way that it makes me out to be a monster. I struggle with even sharing this, but there really isnt anyone close to me that seems to understand or even see why I'm feeling upset. I'm hoping there might be some among you that have been where I am (emotionally), or might have some insight.

This pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, but wasnt really prevented either. DH and I had suffered a couple losses, and had resigned to just hold back a little and wait to try for a baby until after Gemma turned 2 (which isnt until next summer). Imagine our shock when we found out we were expecting! Not that we dont want the baby...that isnt the issue. It was just such a radical difference from last time, when we had been trying and struggling with TTC for months and were on fertility treatments. At that time, those two lines were like the affirmation of all things!

I'm 14 weeks along, and everything is going smoothly. With the exception of some of the things Im feeling emotionally. I dont feel a real connection with this baby. I know he or she is in there, and Im eating right, excercising, preparing for birth....but I dont feel that magical loving connection. I dont rub my belly, or talk to the baby. It's like I never even think to do those things...and it makes me feel horribly guilty.
Secondly, there is one major thing I did with my daughter that I just dont know if I feel up to doing this time around. Breastfeeding. Please, PLEASE no flaming....just hear me out.
DD is going on 15 months, and still a nursling. From 6 weeks on, Ive struggled with low supply (chronic at times), multiple bouts of mastitis, and at this point in the game, Im just tired of doing it. Ive really wanted to stop for about 4 months, but I just dont know how to get her to wean. I cant do the cold turkey would just be cruel. The toll that its taken on me is starting to be more real in my mind. I feel like my body isnt my own, it had a profound and harsh effect on DD's ability to bond with her dad (for the first 8 months, she wanted no one but mom. Ever.) and I feel like while I have done the best thing for her health, and I am glad about that, that I really dont know if I can jump right back in for another 1+ year of being a milk machine with no break.
I dont want to not do it at all...Im just feeling like supplementing possibly. Which is completely opposite of everything I know to be best and even what Ive learned and teach to others. I feel like if I use formula, Im going to not only a huge hypocrite, but also a terrible mom. And whats worse is that the thought of even mentioning the idea to my husband is I just know he wont go along with it.

So, here I sit, wondering what the heck is going on with me. Why I seem to just be opposite in my feelings and desires this time versus last time? I dont feel like its solely hormonal (believe me, I considered that) whats the deal? I feel like I dont even deserve a child...Because its almost as if I neglect the one growing in my belly! Im scared that this child is somehow going to know that I wasnt 100% all in when he/she was in utero, and is going to be damaged on an emotional level. Or that my feelings about this whole breastfeeding issue are going to put me on everyone's SH** list.


shortcake2386 09-26-2007 07:27 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
:hugs: i kind of know how you feel about the BFing....dd is till going strong at 13.5 months and im so tired all the time:( she nurses almost nonstop at night and i get almost no sleep.......we are preggo with our 2nd also and are planning on doing things different this no cosleeping:blush: i just cant do it anymore i need space.....nut i dont think that that-or you not wanting to solely BF- makes either of us a bad mom...we just know now what we do and dont want this time around. people change, opinions and preferences change.........and just to reassure you-i never talked to dd in utero or rubbed my belly, i thought it was wierd but that doesnt mean you arent attched to the baby:hugs: i just didnt feel like it was "real" til she was out, kwim? i knew she was in there but i have a mentality of "if i cant see it it doesnt exist":blush: :giggle: :lostit:
so anyways, pm me anytime you need to talk:hugs: you arent doing anything bad or wrong:hugs:

luv2recycle 09-26-2007 07:29 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

CrunchyMama0607 09-26-2007 07:30 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
Didnt get to read the whole thing..its been a mad, crazy house here tonight but wanted to offer some big :hugs:

HeidiMarie 09-26-2007 07:32 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
Mama, so sorry that you are having such emotional turmoil over all of this! I'm sure you went back and forth about even sharing it all. First of all, many, many hugs to you! : ) This is a very hormonal time for you. I remember times of feeling disconneted from my baby during some of my pregnancies but that all passed. I think alot of that has to do with those lovely pregnancy hormones. Also, you are still BF your dd and that can make you feel touched out, overwhelmed and exhausted (at least to me it did!) I nursed ds1throughout my past pregnancy (still am) and I remember feeling overwhelmed at the thought of starting all over with the next one. But it too passed. I never gave it a second thought when he was born. Even if it doesn't pass for you, it'll be alright. I'm totally pro-bf, but I'm also pro-mom. Supplementing won't be the end of the world. Hang in there, mama!

De-lovely 09-26-2007 07:33 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
In the end mama you have to take care of YOURSELF in order to give love and care for others. Guilt about your decisions will never free you to do those things. Your dh and babies want an emotionally healthy mama. My advice is to do whatever it means to achieve that. No one else lives your life.:hugs:

Lisa-Rachelle 09-26-2007 07:39 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
I cant remember what Doctor (or maybe author?) said it, but they said:

"breastfeeding is a partnership. As soon as one person wants to stop, it's time to let it go. Both individuals should be positive and committed completely; or the chances of negetive feelings just increase."

That's a bit of how I feel. Like if I am really already feeling this stressed at the thought of continuing nursing a new babe for goodness knows how long, then even if I DID do it with the express intention that it was best for them (and I want the best, I really do), would it be worth it in the longrun? Would continuing nursing at the expense of my own satisfaction be worth it for the babys health? I dont know...I just worry about the physiological reprocussions, especially if baby can sense that mama isn't really enjoying the breastfeeding. If that sounds logical at all...

Thank you all for the hugs. I could use about a dozen HUGE ones right now!

kristy-n-chad 09-26-2007 07:40 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
Rae, I think making these decisions early on will help later on...Do you remember how bad I struggled with whether or not to get an epidural with Abram? Once I made the decision, I felt like a huge weight was lifted. I personally think that supplementing will take alot of stress off of you. It will be harder with a toddler to chase after, and I know how much stress your supply issues cost you. Yes, it is possible to do, but I think it would be easier.

And don't feel bad about feeling a little distant. Once you know the gender (are you finding out this time?) and have a name, it is much easier to relate. It was for me, anyway. But, the second pregnancy is usually different. You have Gemma to take care of. Not so much time to meditate and read to your belly! :)

Birdof1985 09-26-2007 07:45 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
heres my 2 :2cents: take it as you wish:

selfish isnt the word perse, but along those lines....

only because you gave that GREAT gift to one baby-- why not do it for the next? and thats great even if you pump rather than BF... and if you are that miserable BF then you need to stop-- but you shouldnt not BF the next baby because you "needs a break".

everyone im sure has struggles BF some big, some little... .people BF 1 child at a time or tandem nurse or even pump or give up- we all find ways to make it work for us.

1 thing you cant start out negative-- if you want to stop BF right now- make a honest effort to find a way to stop until next baby comes and then pump, or BF for 1 or both or none- w/e

TwinKristi 09-26-2007 07:50 PM

Re: Whats wrong with me?
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Personally, I think it's a combination of not having your body to yourself for any period of time in the last 2yrs and the desire to stop BFing! Now you're taking on even more of a commitment by BFing this baby as well, at least another year or two after birth. It would be overwhelming for alot of moms! It was for me and I still have days where it's like "what was I thinking!?" :banghead: in even WANTING kids!! They drive me absolutely crazy sometimes but when things calm down and we're all a happy family again I can't wait to TTC for #6!! :laugh:

I like the doctor's quote from the PP and think it's very true! It's not uncommon to wean during pregnancy anyway b/c of the change in milk, contractions for some moms, etc. but it's also acheivable to BF throughout your pregnancy if you want to. I think if you wean through this pregnancy it might make BFing more desirable with the new baby, it will be like a new start.

As far as not feeling a bond with the baby yet, that's also common. Even in the worst of situations you can still find some happiness at some point over the pending birth of your baby, maybe once s/he starts kicking and moving more and it's time to really prepare for the birth things will kick into full gear for you. You WILL get over it, you WILL bond with the baby and things WILL work out! :thumbsup:

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