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daisyprincess98 09-07-2006 10:55 PM

Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
Ok, this kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. It happens to other kids so I can stare and point and go "WHERE are that kids PARENTS?!?!?!" Right?

So, long story.

First of all, she has an AWESOME 3rd grade teacher.

Yesterday, 8 yo DD#1 (Jess) comes home from school and has a friend over. She shows me on the way home that her friend Riley gave her this book. She says "oh, Riley must number her books because there is a little green sticker in the corner with a number on it." Ok, whatever. Well, DD#2 (Lindsey) wants to eat, so I feed her. After Jess' friend leaves, she decides I am not making dinner fast enough and wants another snack. I say no. I start dinner after Lindsey is done eating. I literally have raw chicken IN MY HAND when she starts asking for another snack...again. I say no, but if you are THAT hungry, go get your Bible study and work on that to take your mind off of it. She throws a FIT. Full blown temper tantrum, so I send her to her room. She start crying "I want my daddy!" (we share joint physical custody) all because she doesn't want to do her Bible study. So I say fine, call him, knowing full well he will back me up. So she does, and he takes her for a couple of hours and basically lets her know that now she will be inside tomorrow (now today) doing her Bible study since she didn't do it then. When he comes back, we also discuss some petty lying she's been caught doing as well as "borrowing" some of our things and not returning them, rather hiding them under her pillow. I decide that I am SICK of the sassy mouth and the lying and "borrowing"/stealing, so she loses everything in her room except her bed, clothes and books until she shows me that she deserves nice things. I tell her she will be punished, and she will know by the time school gets out tomorrow that she will know what her punishment will be.

Fast forward to today. I clean out her room while she is at school, she has NO idea. I pick her up from school and she shows me two books her friend Carla gave her. "Oh, she must number her books too." Whoa. Red flag. I say "oh really, let me see." and she shows me the little green sticker in the corner of the books. So my wheels start turning. Mind you, at this point she doesn't even KNOW her room is empty. So we get home (we live all of 5 minutes from the school) and I tell her to grab a snack. So I go in the garage and call her teacher. I say "I have a feeling my daughter has obtained 3 books in the past 2 days immorally. Do they belong to you?" I tell him the titles. He says "do they have little green stickers in the corner?" "yes." "then yes, they are mine." :blush: :banghead: I apologize profusly and ask if we can please come in a few minutes early tomorrow to return them and discuss this. He says absolutely.

So, I go back inside and call Jess into the living room and tell her to sit. I say "I am going to ask you ONE time, where did you get the books?" "My friend Carla gave them to me." "You're SURE?" "Yes." "Well, I just spoke with your teacher, and he says they belong to him." "Well, maybe Carla stole them from him." "I guess we wil find out. We are going to talk to Mr. C tomorrow morning and if Carla stole them and gave them to you, then we will just wait for Carla to come in so we can talk to her, too."

Deer in the headlights.

then tears. She admitted she stole them. I called her dad and he came over. She is showing remorse, bt I'm not sure if it's for the act or because she knows she will be punished. She is TERRIFIED of what her punishment is going to be. I told her "Jess, you broke a COMMANDMENT. Stealing is as bad is killing someone. There are no commandments that are "ok sometimes" or "not as bad as the others".

As of now, she is grounded from TV, computer and friends for the rest of September.

WHAT DO I DO???? HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO HER that sassyness, lying and stealing are NOT acceptable?

Thanks to anyone who has read this far.

tessa1002 09-07-2006 11:20 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
Wow. First off let me say that my DS is only 11 months old, so I really don't know anything from experience. But is there anything that happened out of the ordinary lately that she could be acting out against?

daisyprincess98 09-07-2006 11:23 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
Other than the arrival of her sister? Not really. And she really does like her sister. I told her that if she feels like she is not getting enough attention to say "mommy, i need some time with you" or say the same to my dh, and she has.

betty_joanne 09-07-2006 11:35 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
Do the books have answers to all her homework questions?? Issues with school work
Maybe she is stealing to get acceptance from her peers(sp??)?? Might need a self-esteem talk and the "If suzie did _____, would you??" talk.
I don't know anything except that age is really difficult. I remember being a total butt head to my parents from about age 11 to age 18.

ravenonyx 09-07-2006 11:39 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
I hesitated to reply, and I'm trying to be careful in how I phrase things. I am not Christian, so I'm doing my best.

I do wonder if telling her stealing is just as bad as murder, if you are setting up logic that you can't enforce to her. Example - she knows that you'd do a lot worse to her then clear out her room or talk to her teacher if she killed someone. (I'm not arguing your religious teachings - you have a right to teach her whatever you wish, and I hope you succeed in teaching her the morals you wish her to learn).

Could you possible assign her Bible study relating specifically to stealing? Biblical punishments, Biblical figures who stole, etc.

Maybe (is it possible there's justification for a Biblical lesson in this specifically?) have her offer restitution to the teacher when she returns the books; say the value of the books from her allowance if she gets one, or an equal number of items she cares about given to the teacher. How about donating 3 of her personally owned books to the teacher or classroom as restitution?

From what I dimly remember about being 8, and with my son approaching that age - I think this is the age where a transition seriously takes place between "there is stuff. everyone has stuff. it's okay for me to play with so and so's stuff", into envy of another's stuff, and then theft (or with some kids, giving away their belongings).

Possibly something about working to get the things you want instead of just taking them? Coveting is one of the big 10, too. Explain that if there is a book she wants to read, she can get it for free from the library (and return it), or work to earn money and buy one, or trade something she likes for one with the other trader's permission.

There's multiple issues here - lying; covering up the crime; the theft itself; her understanding of ownership, uniqueness, etc.

P.S. It's good to give kids positive reinforcement too; make sure there is some way laid out specifically where she can redeem herself. Like giving the teacher a written apology, doing a Bible study on these particular things, proving she not only hasn't stolen anything for additional X amount of time, and proving that she understands why stealing is wrong? I wouldn't just have the grounding expire on a time limit, make her earn it back.

tessa1002 09-07-2006 11:40 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
Has it just been since the new baby? I don't doubt that she loves her. And I think you def did the right thing by telling her she can come to you when she feels like she's not getting enough attention. I just think a lot of the time kids aren't really as in tune to their emotions and such as we are. Sometimes they might not really know/think about why they're doing the things they are. Even if that is what it is though, I wouldn't really know how to fix it. Like I said, I haven't had much experience, only my younger siblings. Good luck though!

shell015 09-07-2006 11:49 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
I think you are doing a good job mama. Make a believer out of her and you obviously have done that. You punish with consequences that scream punish. It's hard mama. I know it is. But you are on the right track. Sounds like she is a good girl she is just going through a rough patch. Just back up your standards. She will soon realize that her actions are causing her to lose her life's pleasures. :HUGS:

my3punkins2005 09-07-2006 11:53 PM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
wow! my oldest is 8yrs old 3rd grade too we have never had any issues with stealing he has lately been haveing problems controling his temper..could it be the the baby and you said you and dad were seperated maybe it is a cry for attention and to be the one and only child stress can do funny things to children and the sassyiness i would say is definitly a girl thing :) speaking from experence of growing up in a home with all girls..luckly all 3 of my boys get along pretty good no real resentemnt(well for boys i guess they do of course the 8yr and 6 yr do like to scrap sometimes)

annes_cottage 09-08-2006 12:01 AM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!
She is 8 years old...I have a son that is 8 and just did something similar to this yesterday!

He had came and asked me if he could have one of his sister's piggy banks, she has 2. I said nooooo, those are her's you have/had some (till he broke them). Well he wants money to buy baseball cards. Sorry, can't have sister's. Ok, so he goes away, to put the bank back.

Later he comes in the room with 11 yr old brother and they ask if they can get some baseball cards on ebay. They have the money blah blah blah...sure. So they buy it now and are short $3 for the shipping. So I tell them they can earn it. Gave them some tasks. Off they go....a few minutes later my 12 yr old daughter comes in and says she is not sure but she thinks Seth has taken Sister's money because the banks are dumped on the bed and there are only pennies left. So I turn around and dd 12 yr old says see, he didnt have all these quatuers or this 50 cent piece and dd 4 did. So I have her go get him for me.

I said tell me where you got all this money from. He did not lie....he was lucky...he said from sister's bank. I reminded him that he asked me and I said no, did he remember..yes...Why did he, because he wanted the bb cards....OKAY....well...reality check....when you steal you loose!!!

In my house we have an If Then chart...If you do this....then these are the consequences. And there are scripture references to back it up. The punishment for stealing is double restitution. Some of the coins he had were his...but he lost them by taking dd's money. So he had to put ALL the change back in her banks. Then he had to finish the tasks by himself, ds 11 yr old was excused from them. Now, since he lost $11-$13 by his stealing. He has to earn that back, plus some, and since there is NO reward for stealing, he does not get any of the new bb cards when they come in.

So for your daughter, I would have her verbally apoligize to the teacher...remember humility brings humbleness, and she should be embarrassed. Then I would have her do enough tasks to buy her teacher 6 new books to add to his classroom library. Is this harsh, maybe, but she has to learn. If my children went to public school and they did this I would have them do this. They have to learn now this stealing is wrong and dishonest, dishonesty is lying. She lied to you, one of my biggest pet peeves ever, and needs to learn so if she ever has a thought about doing this again, she will remember this.

After she replaces the 6 books I would sit her down and ask her what she learned. Then tell her, next time you would like some new books, tell mom or dad and we can come up with some tasks or chores for you to earn money to buy some.

Hope this helps, sorry so long!! :goodvibes:

ps, edited in...i meant she should be embarrased or feel embarrassed rather, because she did this...not you SHOULD make her embarrassed...i hope this is coming out correctly...just dont want it taken the wrong way. :)

2beautifulgirls 09-08-2006 12:05 AM

Re: Oh no! DD got caught STEALING!!!!

Originally Posted by tessa1002
I just think a lot of the time kids aren't really as in tune to their emotions and such as we are. Sometimes they might not really know/think about why they're doing the things they are.

I think you're right on there.....also I don't know if I read this right, but was it your daughter that was pointing out the green numbers on the corner of the books? If it was, then to me it does sound like she is wanting/needing some attention or time because it's like she was trying to get caught...or maybe she just wasn't thinking.....or she was testing you for your reaction (I remember doing things like that!)...but I must say you are doing awesome. I have a 4 yo and have wondered how I will deal with things when those 'tween years come. I think your idea of taking everything except the bare necessities is good. even before you found out about the stealing. anyways, good job mama. :thumbsup:

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