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-   -   I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long) (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4103)

jls~Kain~Drake 05-07-2006 07:07 AM

I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
**I want to clarify before anyone reads the post that I'm not looking to be flamed...I'm ashamed of the way I've parented and want to fix things...and just had an epiphany or realization yesterday and want to get this off my chest**

With ds1, I was guided a lot by mil (we live 1000 miles away from my family)...I really wish I'd found all this stuff on natural things and gentle parenting...

I'm so ashamed that I took the route I did with ds1...like I said, I was guided a lot by mil....I don't remember exactly when....but I know it was by the time he was walking (7m, walking along furniture) and getting into things...and maybe even crawling (5m) ( :yuck: )....if he'd get into something (like, the stack of dvds at mils)...we'd smack his hand....eventually, he got used to that and didn't care so we'd smack his thigh...Now, spanking is a routine part of our discipline and I HATE it....but I honestly, don't have any idea on what to do...I've posted on MDC a couple of times and don't really feel like I've gotten the responses I've wanted (they say to do the 'get off your butt' parenting...or whatever...but I DO get off my butt and just nothing seems to work for ds -- not spanking either --)

Anyway...now that ds2 is crawling...he's curious and getting into things...he's 8mo and I absolutely could NOT imagine smacking him! Of course I love them both the same....so I don't understand why it's ok to spank ds1 (and even as early as I did)...and I wouldn't even dream of doing that to ds2.

HOOOWWWW do I break this cycle of violence? :banghead: I *hate* spanking...and I can very much see that it's teaching ds to handle his frustration through violence rather than....well, rather than any other way. But when he runs from me into the street...or climbs up on the porch and onto the picnic table (where the porch is kind of 2 story...and he's fallen out of a 2 story window before :eek: ) It TERRIFIES me...he does these things and it scares the crap out of me and all I know to do...to relay to him how serious these things are...is to spank...

UGGGHHHH....I truly hope that you guys can see my frustration and my unhappiness with MYSELF...and see that although I do spank (but am getting better, slowly), I hate it and don't want to do it...

I also hope that this has come out the way I wanted it to...and please...I already feel bad enough - I don't want to be flamed! :cry:

Carrie 05-07-2006 07:40 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
I don't have a lot of advice because my kids are younger but I would never flame you or anyone for any regrets they have in their parenting. I have my own regrets. I am also proud of parenting decisions I've made for which others might "flame" me. You did what you thought was right for DS1 at the time. My only advice would be to remove any temptation that your son might have to misbehave. Your DS1 is only 2 1/2, right? He's still a bit young to know that he isn't supposed to do some of the things you mention, or if he knows he shouldn't, he may be too young to restrain himself. He may not necessarily think ahead to the consequences. When my twins are old enough to walk around near a street, I plan to have them on safety harnesses. Again, something that I might get "flamed" for, but I would rather do that than risk the consequences of them running into the street or trying to discipline them afterwards. Likewise if you have dangerous areas in your home or yard I would do my best just to remove the situation. I would rather prevent than try to discipline afterwards, you know? I hope this helps a little and I hope you find some support here. There are a lot of non-judgemental mamas and many different parenting styles on this board.

Namaste 05-07-2006 08:17 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
Oh gosh! I hate spanking too. I don't think it helps at all. I've been trying to walk away and count to ten so I don't spank out of anger. Spanking does nothing to stop my 4 year old. We are trying "time outs" - yeah right! I pull her away from the situation and try to talk to her - it works sometimes. I always try to "redirect" them when they are really little - say crawling, etc. If she were into something that would hurt her, I would pick her up and introduce something that was ok for her to play with, etc.

Good luck. I can't wait to read some of these responses!

vick 05-07-2006 08:38 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
No flames, I'm just thrilled you're looking for another way to do things and think it's very brave of you to post about it :hugs:

Have you looked at Dr. Sears' info on discipline? I love his approach to parenting, so this is where I plan to go for discipline guidelines.

I know that when I've gotten frustrated with Isabel's behavior (not misbehavior, per se, just her doing things -like waking up several times a night- I wish she wouldn't), it has been incredibly helpful to reframe my perspective. Like with the nightwaking and me being tired - I had this huge realization the other day that in a few years, I wouldn't remember being tired but the way I chose to respond to her was going to shape our relationship. So it was easy for me to "deal" with the nightwaking based on the thought that my responses to her were huge - my being tired really wasn't.

With things like running into the road and other dangerous behavior, of course reframing your thinking isn't the right choice - you have to find a way to stop the dangerous behavior. That's the kind of stuff I plan to read up on in the Dr. Sears info, as well as perusing what MDC has to say in their discipline articles - and probably a bit of what moms have to say in their discussion forums, as well.

HTH and again, :hugs:

Tangy 05-07-2006 08:40 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
You know, I was alot like this, too. My mom guided me through parenting my first. I was very young, I had him when I was 16. I did a lot of the same things, in fact, it was the same way with ds2. I remember letting him CIO in his crib sibce about 3 weeks old.

I find I blocked a lot of this stuff out of my mind, but it's sad because I've lost a lot of his childhood.

Like you, I love all my children the same, very deeply and to my core. We just didn't know, but we know now.

I do not slap hands, nor spank my kids anymore. I look at Jack.. and I can''t imagine causing him pain.

What works best for me IS the get off your butt thing. I will watch him.. and tell him no a few times if he repeats his behavior. If it persists, I get up and distract him and play with him for awhile. There are many benefits to this.

I hope you work it out.

jls~Kain~Drake 05-07-2006 08:42 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
Yeah, time out isn't working for my ds (and yeah, he's 27 mo...so most of his behavior is completely age-appropriate, I'm just at a loss)...ds doesn't understand time out...it's like...ya know..taking a bath or eating dinner...just something you do...but yet, he does know that it's something I'm not usually happy about, because he'll angrily put me or his toys in time out (granted, when he puts me in timeout..i don't actually go sit in time out...i just ask him why, what did mommy do to get put in timeout....oh, and..when i put him in timeout....i explain why he's in there...and i explain it a couple of different ways just in case one doesn't make sense to him)

I don't want to 'blame', but I grew up in a very quick tempered household and my environment (dh, mil, etc) are all very, very hostile..quick tempered people....i WANT to change this....dh and I aren't in a good relationship and we're probably heading toward divorce...

I just can't believe that I was smacking hands and thighs (of ds1) at the age ds2 is now....it just...shocks...appauls..and horrifies me :(

FancifulFanny 05-07-2006 09:53 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
Jen,

:hugs: Try not to be too hard on yourself...really. We all do things we're not especially proud of and you've realized what you find to be your mistakes and are working to change those behavoirs. Think about how your ds will see THAT later in life when you can talk to him and he can see that you are human too and can grow and learn. That in itself is a lesson for him. You can see where you have come from, the quick-tempered environment, and want to change that.
I think a good place to start might be the library...just go look at the parenting books, or browse them on Amazon, and see which ones you think might help guide you into new parenting techniques.
And please be as gentle on yourself as you want to be with your children.

woolfulcomforts 05-07-2006 11:15 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
i just want to give you hugs.. and say that i think its so great that you are trying to become a better mother for you and your children:hugs:

Kama 05-07-2006 11:33 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
I think the ability to change and adapt your parenting style is far more important than never making mistakes. You made some mistakes but that is in the past. Don't let guilt over those mistakes destroy your chance at a better future.
My daughter is only 4 1/2 months old but from my experience watching kids ect I can say there is no good answer to this question. There is no one thing that is always going to make a kid obey. They are always going to get into stuff. Especially at this age, they are always going to be curious. In fact you want them to be curious because that is how they learn about the world. I think at this point your best strategy is probably still to redirect. Or to the 2 year old explain why what hes doing is not ok. Definately look into some gentle parenting techniques I am sure they will have better advice than me.

scatterbrainedmom 05-07-2006 11:36 AM

Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)
 
hugs!! i was RIGHT THERE a few weeks ago. i was spanked as a child/teenager and vowed never to spank my child (i never even knew it had a name). ds1 was about a year old and i was somewhere and saw the mama "spank" (more like a tap on the thigh). i though to myself, well thats not that bad. what i was doing wasn't working. of course it wasn't he was going through self learning. anyway we did that and it got to where everytime he did something i would smack him on the rear. i finally sat down and had a huge breakdown with dh. saying i hated myself for falling into something i never wanted to do and it HAD to change. once i said that to myself and out loud it was like i was a whole new person. replacing a fast smack on the rear was talking and explaining. instead of just assuming they knew not to do something i would tell them. i don't think smacks on the rear are abusive, but i do think that it can break their spirit which i think is abusive. no flames at all from me sweetie. it is so hard to admit that something you are doing/did as a parent is/was wrong and to ask for advice in something this personal.


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