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GrowingUpMad 09-18-2006 05:33 AM

How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
So, I need some advice on how exactly to handle this situation that has arisen. My 4 year old daughter went up north with my parents this weekend along with my ds and their (soon to be) cousin. When the kids arrived home I got my daughter in the shower knowing a weekend of camping was dirty. I noticed she was not wearing any undies under her pants and I asked her why. She said that she wet all of her undies (she has a tendancy to wait untilt he last possible moment before telling you she needs to go potty). I decided to talk with her about her "area" being private and to not let anyone see or touch it and if someone were to that she should tell mommy or daddy immediatly. She then blurts out "Jayson tried to touch my cucu and I told him that was nasty". She even showed me how he tried to touch her and yes, it was on her private area. I then (very calmly) asked for details, where, when and who was around. She said it was not up north that it was when she was over my moms a while ago. I know 4 year olds have no concept of time so I immediatly called my mother and then I found out this happened last week and OOPS, she forgot to tell me :banghead: WTH??? Apparently Madison said that they were showing each other parts (made no mention of touching) and my mom said she talked to them (apparently not good enough) but failed to tell me. I am so upset, this is my baby girl. My "nephew" is 7 years old and knows better plus this is not the first time. About a year ago my dh walked into the room to see my nephew with his pants undone and my dd in front of him. We talked to both kids as well as my brother and his girlfriend. Since then I thought we were supervising well enough. I told my mom that she is not having Madison over if she can not properly supervise (she was aware of last years incident) and if she ever has the kids and Jayson arrives that I want ot be called immediatly.

Okay, so how to I handle this? Do I try talking to my brother and SIL again, make a report, avoid any and all contact between dd and cousin? This is making me sick, it is my job to protect my child and I feel like I failed her. I just want to take her and hide forever. Help, I really need advice

JustAugust 09-18-2006 05:41 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
To me it sounds like your nephew is just curious. BUT, that is completely unacceptable. I would have is parents have a looooooooong talk with him and set up some serious consequences if he were to do anything like this again. He needs to know it's okay to see and play with himself, but that showing others his penis and touching other people's private areas is very wrong.

And I would make sure that DD was never ever EVER around him alone.

:hugs: That's a hard situation. He IS just a child still, but he is old enough that it all needs to be taken care of and he needs to understand that it's not right for him to be doing these things.

(And yes, I'd be very mad at the grandparents if they forgot to tell me something that important!)

Gavin&Brent'sMommy 09-18-2006 06:03 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
ooh I'd be livid, me personally I'd be having a very long talk with Gma & Gpa, AND bro & sil, and I'd never want their son around my daughter again (already it's not a first time incident kwim?)

GrowingUpMad 09-18-2006 06:44 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
I understand kids are curious but this is MY daughter, she is only 4. I remember being curious as well but I most certainly was not 4 nor was my friend I was curious with (nor did he touch my parts, a little show me yours I'll show you mine thing). I am just so upset and don't want to overreact but don't want to brush it off. What if I ignored it and it got worse, it would be my fault then. I am so close to my brother and SIL and don't want to cut ties but if it means keeping my daughter safe then that's what I'd do. I don't know, I am just so upset. I think I should call my brother as I can be more myself with him (meaning saying exactly what is on my mind) than with SIL (she takes things way wrong). I feel sick........

ahisma 09-18-2006 07:05 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
:hugs: :hugs:

I'm so sorry that you are going through this...I know that it is an awful feeling and makes your blood boil. We went through this with DD and her stepbrother (at her dad's house) when she was just barely 5 and he was 7. The first time it happened I was really upset, but wrote it off as kids being kids and called her dad to tell him and make sure that he didn't leave them together unsupervised.

The second (and third and fourth.....) times I was livid. I think that by the time a child is 7 they should know better, especially after being talked to about it. I understand that a 7 y.o. is a child...but I do feel that if their parent is responsible they can clearly understand right from wrong and make a proper decision...especially regarding something like this.

Of course, in DD's situation, the parents weren't helping. The kids were constantly left together unsupervised...this was happening in the basement, under the stairs, while DD's dad (my ex) was shut in his bedroom watching TV and smoking. When it became obvious that he wasn't going to do anything, I did wind up calling DSS...because it was the only thing I could do. I couldn't refuse to send DD for visitation, but somehow it had to stop. In the end, they all wound up getting counseling, and the situation has stopped.

I would definitely call your brother. See what his response is. I don't know him obviously, but there is a chance that he will be just as upset about it as you are. I know that my DH would be very distraught in his shoes and would do everything possible to "fix" things.

I do think you are right to be concerned...I have a good friend who was molested by his cousin all through his childhood. He never told his parents because his (older) cousin told him not to. I haven't researched it myself at all, but his therapist told him that cousin-cousin molestation is very common...they feel that it is close enough to be "safe" but not so close to be "wrong" (like a sibling would be).

Also a thought...I know that we took DD to a counselor for a while who emphasized that private areas were private and what to do when someone violates her body privacy. Obviously these were things that we had talked with her about many times, but I do think that having a 3rd party talk to her really drove the message home.

MamaMegan 09-18-2006 07:07 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
If they were both 4, I'd be concerned but honestly, he's 7 and 7 year olds do have concepts of what's right and what's not-- this world can be sick and weird. I have seen kids molest other kids (please don't think I'm saying this is what's happening) --

I would not let my child be alone with this cousin-- and I would talk to his parents and the grandparents to let them know why you're not comfortable with it. I am over protective, but hell, it's my child.

I'd also be concerned about his behavior in the where did he learn it. Or why he hasn't learned that it isn't appropriate.

((HUGS)) to you mama, that would just horrify me.

ahisma 09-18-2006 07:12 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

Originally Posted by MamaMegan

Honestly, I'd also be concerned about his behavior in the where did he learn it. Or why he hasn't learned that it isn't appropriate.

This is a very good point. My DD's stepbrother had been "exposed" to some pretty disturbing stuff at his biological father's house, and in counseling it all came out. Obviously I'm not saying that your brother or his gf are doing anything wrong with him, but there are still babysitters, neighbors...etc. Of course, that may not even be the case in this situation, but it is a possibility and it would be very worthwhile for him to go to counseling. Even if he hasn't learned it from somewhere else, it would help him learn appropriate behavior.

cuties02q 09-18-2006 07:24 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
Sorry mama i cannot imagine what you are going through i don't have advice just :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

togg_mama 09-18-2006 07:32 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
If it was my DD, she would *never* be around that little boy without my DH or I actually watching her. Period.

It probably is curiosity, but I am concerned that it has happened before. My children's safety is my responsibility and if I cannot trust those that I delegate temporary care to (ie: grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) then I need to step to the plate and make sure my child is not harmed in any way.

Obviously if you're dealing with visitation, you're hands are a bit tied, but in the OP's case, you can just decline.

:hugs: Mama! not fun.

GrowingUpMad 09-18-2006 07:44 AM

Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....
I talked to my brother just a bit ago and he is very upset. He did say Jayson was exposed to it in his past (by some local neighbor kids) so that is most likely where he learned it. He is going to talk to my SIL about it and together they will talk with Jayson and also look into counsling. I also told him that we will not seperate ourselves from them but they will not watch any of my kids again (nor will my parents) and that I will always be supervising my kids around him (as well as everyone else). She will NEVER be alone with him again. He totally understood and was also very upset as this is his neice and we are all very close. I understand kids being interested but my daughter is only 4 and he is 7, he should certainly know better.

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