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CMamma 10-03-2006 06:00 AM

Breastfeeding & bashing
Does anyone here ever not bash a mom if she isn't BFing or if she has an issue & chooses not not or maybe can't? Or maybe bash isn't what I mean... but can you be ok w/supporting the mom's angle for not continuing to BF?

And I know that can't doesn't always mean can't as in impossible but sometimes can't in my eyes = mom is going to be so unhappy that it rubs off on baby, & makes life worse than it could be...

I'm not trying to post this thread to start wars or anything, I just wanted to maybe shed some light or put some perpective out there b/c sometimes there's more to a story than we know. Lots of us get neg vibes, comments, looks, etc for BFing in public or extended BFing & then I read some of the BFing posts here about seeing a mom shove a bottle in their kids mouth at Walmart or how could a mom quit BFing at only 5 months or how selfish a mom was to quit BFing... sometimes a mom says they quit b/c they couldn't do it or whatever & there is more of a backstory that they just don't want to go into...

Anyway, I know I've struggled w/BFing both of my boys almost the entire time & I still do daily. I was watching TV the other night w/DH & there was a girl talking about why she BFd her son on it & I sort of connected w/her. She didn't do it b/c she knew it was best or b/c of bonding - she did it b/c she felt guilted into it. This is exactly how I felt about BFing DS#1. I didn't even BF him on my breast. I exclusively pumped & he ate from a bottle. When I finally quit BFing him, it was for medical reasons & I'll be honest, while I pretended I was upset to have to stop, I was so relieved to be done. This was after 6 months. But I was happy to have somewhere else besides myself to lay the blame.

W/DS#2 I BF b/c I learned that it was best... I wanted to BF... I enjoyed it... but I still struggle with it... not as often, but still sometimes daily. I still want to quit. But sometimes I read posts here & while lots of mammas can be very supportive & helpful w/suggestions to keep my supply up & help me to stay the course & continue to nourish my son by way of the breast, there are still so many mammas that have made me feel like complete and total crap for having given DS a bottle before & also I know that I'd get the how could you do that & how selfish are you for giving up, etc if I did decide to wean or partially wean.

Anyway, I know it's ultimately my choice & I should be totally ok with that, but let's be honest, some of us still care what people thinks! But I have been chatting with some friends & I know ultimately it matters what is best for me & baby & happy mamma is better than a not happy one...

But I just wanted to post for anyone else who may feel like I do sometimes... and just remember sometimes you don't know the whole story about the FF mom either... and heck, it may even be BM in the bottle!

Anyway, thanks if you even bothered to read this whole post! It was a long one I know! And sorry if it sounds mean in nature, it's really not! I'm calm writing it, & not mad or anything... just wanted to say a couple things :goodvibes:

MamaMel 10-03-2006 06:37 AM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
:hugs: theres a difference between a mom whos trying her best or tried her best to BF and between a mom who gave up just b/c. I get angry when moms dont even attempt it for no reason. My SIL's friend just had a baby and I asked her if she was going to try and BF and she said no b/c my DH wants to give that baby a bottle. Now to me thats a horrible reason. But if you try and you just cant do it, whether it be physical or emotinal reasons then thats that. The only reason I ever look negative on moms who bottle feed is when they are pushing there child in a stroller and the baby is holding the bottle. I think no matter how the child is being fed the child needs to be cuddled while doing it KWIM? I just think its rather silly when moms quit for stupid reason like in that one post where one breast was bigger than the other. Now if the mom had deeper issues, like it was depressing her or causing her pain then that would be different. I know ALOT of women struggle to BF and I am greatful that I dont. I really think very highly of moms who have struggled to BF and continued to.

Bottom line I think every women should give it a chance and research it before they have their baby KWIM? Even if they dont succed atleast they tried!

Im sorry you feel this way :hugs:

Sarah 10-03-2006 06:50 AM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
I'm of the opinion"it's formula,not rat poison". Really does it matter if mom is happy and baby is happy?
I don't bash moms on whether or not they breastfed,it's a personal choice like vaxing or circ. To each there own

uk2usa 10-03-2006 06:54 AM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
Breastfeeding mums often feel as equally bashed as formula feeding mums. BFing mums were certainly the outsiders for the longest time and were told they were doing more harm than good when this new 'formula' came out...So, it's wonderful for us to now be able to shout out loud that we're proud to be BFing...

I think this BFing forum is a great outlet for us to say whay we really feel, although sometimes judgemental :(..I don't think we mean any harm -it's like *****ing about our best friend -we just need to get it off our chest :)

I think it's wonderful when a mum can honestly say that BFing just wasn't right for them and their family and I only wish that other mums could be that honest.

We all care what people think. Sometimes I don't mention that I nurse my 2 year old...Not everyone needs to know my life.
But when we do confess why we really do things, we need to say it confidently and without excuses...

I think this posts speaks to more than FF and BF mums...

:lostit: My DD was amused by this guy...

ashleynjacy 10-03-2006 07:09 AM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
My sister tried to breastfeed for about a month...she became very depressed. Some people just can't take how dependent the baby is on them. My sister used to say that she NEEDED someone else to feed him sometimes. She needed to be able to do other things. She is also a waitress and went back to work two weeks after she gave birth. I think her mental health was more important in this case. She told me that the only reason she was trying so hard to breastfeed was because I was and she didn't want me to think any less of her. :cry: The mother needs to be happy in order to have a happy baby!

Kimmomy2dom 10-03-2006 11:39 AM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
Sometimes I think "Oh, that's too bad" about people formula feeding. I had LOTS of complications after my son was born and bfed for about two weeks. I gave up after that and ff. I had some serious issues with quitting. I felt HORRIBLE about it and wished I would have kept going. I would call it some sort of depression. So I tried relactating, which I tried for awhile but in the end just decided to give up.
I definitely encourage people to keep bfing if they think about quitting, as I don't want them to feel the depression I did from stopping, KWIM? I in no way look DOWN on people who breastfeed. I think I tell myself "Breast is best" and all that stuff to keep myself going with breastfeeding. It's a way to cheer myself on and give my kids my milk, KWIM? I think I've told myself some things SOME people would disagree with to make sure I don't quit. I knew I was facing a big challenge bfing twins and took whatever measures I needed to keep myself going. BUT I would never tell someone she's a bad mother or doing something horrible to her child for not breastfeeding. I don't think I'd even MENTION it to someone - it's their choice.

Newtocloth2006 10-03-2006 12:14 PM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
Breast is best, but some people can't do it and shouldn't be "guilted" into doing it because someone else knows its best. kwim? Its a personal choice. I was a bf flunky. I feel so guilty about it. I had PPD which boardered on PPP. There was no way I could bf and take care of myself too.

I deal with enough guilt about stopping. I do encourage others to continue, but if they need to quit or choose to not even start, I know that they have a reason. Even if it's a selfish one. If they are comfortable with that decision, who am I to say otherwise?

honeybunmom 10-03-2006 12:18 PM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
I don't think I bash (although others may disagree). I will say I am very passionate about breastfeeding and I simply do not understand a mindset that concludes that it was "just too hard" or the baby "is too dependent" or they don't want to be "attached to the baby" or somebody "wants to give a bottle". I guess I kinda think that by definition a baby is dependent and attached and I don't really get why one would have one if they didn't want that part of the experience. It kinda comes with the territory, in my view. As for the bottle, breastfed babies are not precluded from drinking from bottles, my dd has to every week day when we're apart while I work. And clearly, this is a matter of perspective. And we all have different perspectives. I realize that the choices I have made are not for everyone. I am a full-time, corporate attorney and I have successfully breast fed my daughter 100%. I have not supplemented her at all. I have pumped up to 8 times a day to do so and swallowed every galactagogue I learn about because the stress of my job has impaired my yield at times. And I'm sure others wouldn't have wanted to do that. It's just that important to me. And the pp post is right, formula is not rat poison. Heck, my mom gave it to me and my brothers. She breastfed for a couple of months, but once the teeth came in, she was done. And with me, she was a SAHM for 5 years! But, I cannot bring myself to give it to my dd. My perspective is probably a bit too rigid, and I'm sure I stress myself out unnecessarily about this. . .and it's in keeping with my type A personality LOL!

At the end of the day, everyone must be ok with their decision for themselves. I take no responsibility for someone feeling guilty about their decision to formula feed or supplement, nor do I put any responsibility on anyone for my limitation to be easier on myself about my approach.

As long as we're all good mamas and our babies are thriving, that's all that really matters.


suziraye 10-03-2006 12:19 PM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
I BF for 9 weeks and baby was miserable the whole time. Dr suggested trying a special formula and with in 2 days I had a new baby. She is 6 months old now and extremely healthy and doing fine but I still feel bad that I quit! I pumped twice a day for a month after, just in case, so now I have a freezer full of "liquid gold"! I did what was best for my baby but I am still guilted over it alot. I hate it when I see people I havent seen since the baby and their first question is "you are breasfeeding arent you?" ughhhhh

EmnJJsMom 10-03-2006 12:31 PM

Re: Breastfeeding & bashing
I'm not really sure if I should be replying on this topic because I'm going to be the odd one out :blush:

I think that if a woman is capable of lactating, and she chooses not to breastfeed, it is very selfish.

I weaned my first daughter at 6 months old and to this day I feel incredibly guilty about it. And not guilty because OTHERS make me feel guilty, but because I KNOW I could have continued. I'm willing to admit that to myself rather than lie to myself to make me feel better. I weaned because of depression like PP have mentioned. Second time around, when PPD hit, I continued nursing through it and I had to force myself to realize that breastfeeding was NOT the issue.

I DO get tired of nursing, I'm human... I'd love to be able to go out on a date and have a few drinks. But no matter how tired or frustrated I get with breastfeeding, I make myself realize that I will only be breastfeeding a few years out of my lifetime and it isn't going to kill me. I can stop being selfish for a little while to give my daughter the best start possible.

I try desperatly not to look down on mothers I see formula feeding, but I can't help but have a little bit of "I'm better than you" feeling for continuing to breastfeed. But I am in awe of the mother's that breastfeed for 2+ years and I feel that they are better mothers than me for it :giggle: But I might get there!

I have to say I'm the most disappointed in moms who aren't even willing to try it at all. It's one thing to try it and figure out you don't like it (by TRY I mean a good 6 weeks) than to never try at all because you are disgusted by the thought of having a baby at your breast. Or haven't done the research and think that it's the reason your boobs sag or something vain and stupid like that.

I could never imagine putting formula in a newborn tummy. They are putting warnings on formula cans for a reason. Not to mention, I can't fathom supporting formula companies for moral reasons...but that's a whole different topic.

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