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-   -   how much could you handle doing it solo? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=86313)

homebirthmom 01-16-2007 08:13 PM

how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
so I did not want to really post here but I have talked my friends ear off and I have been reading other personal stories here...

I'm remarried & finding hubby doesn't ever want to be home. we have a 4 1/2 month old and he barely takes him. I've been begging to go workout, go do something for me but there isn't anytime w 4 kids and no dad here to help watch them.

so he works part time (sleeps longtime in the morning) goes in during the day & on the weekends plays in a band which has him driving all over the states. (he started in the band when I met him)
I am sooo tired of it now. one weekend he was gone 3 1/2 days... I lost my mind & he could have cared less. each week he is gone at least 5 days (don't know how military wives do it)

so I said I can't do this anymore. Its too hard with you gone all the time, not to mention what are you doing till 4 am? I have a hard time believing its just playing. He's partying, I just know it.

I'm extremely ticked and sad that this little baby has no daddy. He said today "I spend as much time with him as I signed up for." and the one day he took him for 2 hours (1 time since birth) he said I'm ready to place him for adoption. (cause he cried for me, he doesn't know dad)
anyway, made me want to throw up.

anyway, breaks my heart. He won't quit his weekend job nor go down to one day a week.
we tried counseling a long time ago, 3 different ones, they never really gave us answers just kept asking what do you want...

I'm ready to file papers cause I feel like we deserve a full on commitment. not just when we fit in to his schedule.
so what would you do?

MY UPDATE shortly after this post my hubby started to help a ton around the house but he continued on with his band stuff, leaving me w a crying baby for 2-3 days straight no break, no car. I finally lost my mind and told him to leave. He did gladly. He says he wanted a divorce and to get baby when it fit in his schedule only. well 2 weeks of him living at mommies (yes his mother said, no problem stay here... NOT "go grow up and take care of your family!") he got exhausted, tapped out his money and I pretty much went down hill in mental stability. He came back a few days at a time to stay here and give me a break. which helps... I got a car, I'm not working though, he won't talk to me about us nor are we going to counseling, yet. sooooo its like we're room mates but I get a break waaay more often. he hasn't worked on the weekends much (cause its a slow time for them) which has made me happy but he will soon be on his regular playing schedule and I'm sure I will feel nutzo again.

our high needs baby is doing much better and gives me a bigger break during his long nap, where I take time to read on here. I think the baby is also better cause he has 2 parents swapping time instead of just burnt out mama.

But I still feel "alone" with a husband who feels he is allowed to revisit/change his vows and marriage commitment! I think we're both using each other till baby gets older and can decide some major things then. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in over a month. so sad.

Manna00 01-16-2007 08:21 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
No advice.. just :hugs:

Shannon 01-16-2007 08:34 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
Wow mama...how old is Dh...JUSt from what you said he sounds very very immature. Come on...kids take time...and a bunch! of sacrafice. What did he thin was going to happen when he had a child? Things definitly don't stay the say...gosh, thats a given and if he thinks they should he is seriously misguided. I sure hope he figures this out and steps up...Parenting isn't just a weekday "job"

SandyG 01-16-2007 08:37 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
im reading a book from dr laura and its great: proper care and feeding of marriage. i highly recommend it for both of you
goodlucK :hugs:

MommaMia 01-16-2007 08:39 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
I am so sorry you are dealing with a dad like this. Are all 4 kids yours? Or are some his? And if they are yours are they his and if not do they have supportive dads? And what do you mean: You said he works part time but is gone to work 5 days a week, right. And you want him to go down to one day? How can you guys afford that? And then he works a weekend job? Sorry just confused. Maybe I need to reread. OK so you say each week he is gone at least 5 days, you mean with the band? Or working?

My DH works about 70-80 hrs a week but is supportive and great when he is home. If he EVER said those things, I would split but I have a parachute. That is my Mom. I guess it depends on the things above, where you have to go and if the situation will be worse once you leave. It may be better to get some money saved up, etc before you split. Just my :2cents: for what that's worth.

jjaelovesenglish 01-16-2007 08:48 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
:hugs: that is rough but you did marry a musician and I only know a very few musicians that grow up and settle down after kids if they have any hope of being successful in the business. Good luck

ShayneLeMaster 01-16-2007 08:55 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MommaMia (Post 640826)
I am so sorry you are dealing with a dad like this. Are all 4 kids yours? Or are some his? And if they are yours are they his and if not do they have supportive dads? And what do you mean: You said he works part time but is gone to work 5 days a week, right. And you want him to go down to one day? How can you guys afford that? And then he works a weekend job? Sorry just confused. Maybe I need to reread. OK so you say each week he is gone at least 5 days, you mean with the band? Or working?

My DH works about 70-80 hrs a week but is supportive and great when he is home. If he EVER said those things, I would split but I have a parachute. That is my Mom. I guess it depends on the things above, where you have to go and if the situation will be worse once you leave. It may be better to get some money saved up, etc before you split. Just my :2cents: for what that's worth.



my husband also works aprox.. 70 hours a week 6 sometimes 7 days a week ( being the boss is over-rated ) granted.. the money is good.. but we are down to one car.. and he has it.. I babysit at home though the week ( for my own personal money and savings ) but I am home all day all week with 3 five year olds and a 14m old and a 7m old ( 1 , 5year old and the 7m old are ours ) and it can get overwhelming.. and that sucks.. my husband has a little bit of a hard time with the baby ( he is BF and well is a momma's boy lol ) but he tries.. and I give him that.. we have " fought" about who does what.. and it's not worth it.. good luck to you and I hope you can work something out

beanmama 01-16-2007 09:24 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
sorry I don't have any great advice but wanted to offer a :bighug:

Sweet_Fantasy_Fox 01-16-2007 09:31 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
:hugs: mama, i don't know what to say, he needs to grow up and make you and that baby first priority, bands break up, his family will always be his family:bighug:

kissum 01-16-2007 09:35 PM

Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?
 
You have to follow your heart and make a decision based on what's best for your family.
And you can do it alone. I do it, and my dd and I have a happy loving home. Do I wish her father was more involved? Yeah, but he wouldn't be even if we were together, so it's better for Ari and I that he isn't.
Hugs, and if you ever want to talk, pm me.


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