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Sleep deprived 03-02-2010 09:05 AM

WWYD? Second child
So, I always planned to have 2. When DH and I had the "important conversation" before we got married, we agreed on 2 kids. I wanted them to be about 2 years apart, because that was the age difference between my brother and I, and it worked really well.

Fast forward six years. DS is one, and we've been having the "should we have another" conversation. I still want another, though at this point, I am not entirely sure whether I want a second child more in theory than in practice. DH really doesn't want another, though he caveats that he might change his mind. His reasons are that the first was so overwhelming and his job is so time-consuming that he feels he doesn't have the resources to do it twice. DH isn't one of those dads who only participates halfway - we share parenting very nearly equally. So, when he says he doesn't think he can handle the added workload, it's with a sense of what the workload really was for the first child. On the other hand, we now employ a nanny, so we would have help we didn't have in the initial months with DS.

I felt that having a sibling was something really special for me, and I feel somewhat guilty that we as a couple might not be willing to make the sacrifices necessary for DS to have that. On the other hand, I also worry that insisting on a second child now is deliberately over-committing my not-entirely-willing DH, when I myself am slightly daunted by the prospect of a second child. On the other other hand, I'm not sure I want a second at all if we delay too long. I'd rather front-load the work of two toddlers and financially, I'd rather limit the amount we spend on childcare by having the kids start school in the same general time frame.

What would you do?

jac1976 03-02-2010 09:10 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
Honestly, if you aren't 100% sure, I would wait.

S Starr 03-02-2010 09:19 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
I understand where both of you are coming from. Can't help you make the decision, but I will say that adding a second child was a lot harder for us. She's almost 20 months, and we're still struggling with patience, sleep, housework.... And even though I think, like you, that it's wonderful to have a sibling, DD1 has lost a lot of our attention, one-on-one time, patience, and play. So if you choose to stick with just one, I wouldn't feel bad. There would be advantages to your child. Hugs, mama!

Gerdgrid 03-02-2010 09:24 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child

Originally Posted by jac1976 (Post 9709482)
Honestly, if you aren't 100% sure, I would wait.

This, very much this.

MySillyBearCub 03-02-2010 09:42 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
We aren't quite in the same boat as we aren't yet ready to talk about #2 but when the general idea comes up I get the feeling I'll be in a similar situation. Our goal was 3-4 years apart so I still have time.

In your case, what is the biggest age gap you would be comfortable with? I don't think it's fair to push the issue if DH really isn't comfortable or ready for another. It wouldn't be fair to you, him or the future child.

sustone 03-02-2010 09:44 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
I always say that no one ever regrets having a child- they often regret NOT having a child. I had a therapist yrs back that said that only children is a sad situation. And that it isn't healthy. It is always hard to begin with but so worth it in the end. I think you should go for it:)

sjmj 03-02-2010 09:51 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
If both of you are not totally on board with the idea then don't have another yet.

I think it is really helpful to lay out the pros and cons on paper (I guess I am very analytical). I would also keep in mind the other factors like how old are you willing to be pregnant and how far apart are you willing to have babies (that way you know how much time you guys have to make a final decision).

Yes, I do know people that regret having another baby and share the information a bit more than I think they should...every family has different needs/wants.

nakedbabytoes 03-02-2010 09:57 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
I was similar to you in that I wanted to give each child the best I could give & wasn't sure I could for two kids. Our solution was to space them apart so the oldest would be in school FT when the sibling arrived. Our boys are almost 7 years apart & I love it!
They play together really well & I can give the little one full attention physically(holding, cuddling, BF) without my older guy being jealous. He loves baby more than we do!

Gerdgrid 03-02-2010 10:07 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child

Originally Posted by sjmj (Post 9709893)
Yes, I do know people that regret having another baby and share the information a bit more than I think they should...every family has different needs/wants.

Everyone always says people won't regret another child, but I know several who do...and who knows how many more that have the good sense not to put that particular feeling into words.

I would never use that argument to talk my partner into having a child. He needs to come to that realization in his own heart.

Amaggiepie 03-02-2010 10:16 AM

Re: WWYD? Second child
I would wait and reevaluate in about a year or so. I know that as much as I love babies, I was NOT ready for another when DD was 1 year. We waited until she was 2 1/2 to start trying, because by then she was semi-independant, was sleeping well in her own bed, was on the way to PLing, and wasn't as much of a baby anymore. I really think its important for each child to have their own baby time (my opinion as the eldest of 8 who are all spaced 1-2 years apart). While the thought of another baby might be overwhelming right now, a lot can change in a year. :hugs:

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