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Bear Family 04-16-2010 08:27 AM

Please help with my 6yo dd
 
I have never posted on this board before but I really need opinions...Yesterday was terrible.

Jera is 6, in 1st grade. A pretty well behaved child, but for the past few months I dunno, she has just decided that she can disobey me, rude attitude, tell me "no" and with anger. She is never like this with dh, but he is gone a lot working, which is nothing new. I also work, but I am home 1/2 hr after she gets out of school. SHe has gone through a few life changes lately, baby brother last July, her bff moved in January.

Yesterday, it was nice when we got home so we went to the park. We walked down the street to get her new frind that just moved to our street about a month ago, they are in the same class. And we all headed to the park about 2 blocks away. We were not there 10 minutes and she was climbing up the side of the twisty slide and her feet were dangling. She almost kicked a little boy in the head. I told her to get down, she said no. I told her to come her (I was sitting on a bench about 10 ft away) she said no. I got up to go get here and she ran. I stopped, told her I was not chasing her and that she needed to get over here right now. She did...I sat her on the bench, told her to stay there till she can behave properly. She screamed NO!, I dont want to..I told her she could behave, or we could leave. She kicked Jaxon's stroller. I grabbed her hand, said we are leaving. (the friends mom was there by this time) I pushed the stroller with 1 hand, and her bike with the other and made her walk home. The whole way home she is screaming, yelling, kicking the bushes, trying to grab the stroller and turn it around. Telling me that when she got home she was gonna go to her room and watch cartoons, then 5 seconds later she would say, more calm, "ok, I am fine now, I want to go back to the park" I would ignore her and she would get more mad and then start screaming again.

We got home and I spanked her and put her in the corner, and I told her that she could stay there till her dad got home. That I was so disapointed and embarressed by her actions and bad choices. dh didn't end up getting home for 2 hours. But by the time I knew he would be late (traffic), since I had said it I didn't want to not follow through, kwim?

I didn't even cook dinner I was still so mad, I made her some oatmeal and a peice of toast and a glass of water and brought it to her and she ate it in the corner.

Ugh, I am just so upset about it. I seriously felt like I had ZERO control over her yesterday and she embarressed me horribly, there were like 5 other moms at the park. I keep scouring the baords looking for similar posts, thinking maybe there is something wrong with her, something wrong with me, am I a terrible parent, so many thoughts.

I wanted to add, spanking is not something we do often (but we have done it) it is not my go way to handle a situation. This was by far the worst day of her attitude and that was the last resort.

Any advice, or even similar stories so I can see I am not the only one. Sorry this got so long, but I just needed to get it out.
:highfive: to you for reading this whole thing.


massbb2 04-16-2010 08:38 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
Having a similarly stubborn 6 yo ds myself, I can relate to your frustration.

It's hard being in the moment and knowing if we've made the right decisions disciplining our children. We're you reacting when she acted inappropriately on the slide? Could you have talked to her instead of at her about it? I don't know. I know if I react (and believe me, I do sometimes), it only winds my ds up even more.

When she calmed down and wanted to go back to the park. Did you have time do? In the end, teaching a lesson is far more important than punishment. If you didn't have time, perhaps offer to play outside for a little bit and go back to the park tomorrow. Spanking her AFTER she calmed down doesn't seem appropriate to me at all. But, spanking in general, I don't agree with.

One thing I do with my children is tell them it is never too late to turn their attitudes around. Otherwise, at that point, why would they bother if they are already being punished. KWIM?

Get to the library and take out Proactive Parenting, Beyond Punishment and Rewards. She talks a lot about getting one step ahead of our children.

HTH.

jacksmommy1 04-16-2010 08:50 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
I have been in that sitauation too. I most likely would have done exactly what you did. I dont think going back to the park or even letting her go outside would have reinforced the punishment. Although my ds would have probably screamed in the corner for 2 hours! As for what to do next idk. JUst keep following through on consequences to her actions. Hopefully she will figure it out

nakedbabytoes 04-16-2010 08:57 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
You shouldn't feel terrible for making her mind & be safe around other kids. As one of those "other mothers" at a park with older kids that are climbing or playing in an unsafe way, being a danger to themselves & others, I'd think "good for her, making her child mind or leaving."
I'd be sad that it had to come to that though. Of course, we just want our kids to be safe AND happy. She decided to choose not to do either on her own. I think you did great at the park.
Have you talked to her about last night? Sometimes going over an issue after some clarity can help prevent furture issues.
I have smaller kids(daycare ones & my little). When we get out of a vehicle, I remind them the 4 DC rules and why. That way, they have been warned initially so there is no confusion. And yes, we leave if the rules are broken without them learning thru a sit down on a bench first. Following thru is important too.
Will she talk to you about how she is feeling? Why she seems so mad & defiant. Remind her that you are there to help & not just dole out rules & punishments. Sometimes kids forget that they can talk to us without judgment or punishment. Make sure the lines of communication in a positive way are open.
Alot of parents don't feel it's worth the fight. Giving up on your child does a huge disservice to everybody. Good job not just ignoring bad behavior or saying "Kids will be kids". I've heard that alot.
No wonder your kids suck dude. Not yours, OP, the parents who give up or excuse.

Xeniphia 04-16-2010 09:04 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
I think you're doing a great job. I agree in seeing if on a calm day you can try to get some insight into why she's feeling differently now, it could well be that she's feeling isolated because of a new sibling and losing her best friend. Do you have the old friend's new address? If so it may be neat for her to be able to be pen-pals with her. If she's not capable of it yet you could write and read the letters for her, maybe it would help her not feel like she lost her friend completely.

When I was 5 my family moved and I lost my best friend, I still remembered that with pain over 10 years later. I don't know if we would have even stayed friends that long had I not moved, but in my kid's brain all I knew was I lost my "only" friend (I didn't make friends well in my new town). Kids losing friends can be HUGE in their minds, much more than we as adults think it should be sometimes.

Bear Family 04-16-2010 09:08 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
oops

Bear Family 04-16-2010 09:10 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by massbb2 (Post 10034994)
Having a similarly stubborn 6 yo ds myself, I can relate to your frustration.

It's hard being in the moment and knowing if we've made the right decisions disciplining our children. We're you reacting when she acted inappropriately on the slide? Could you have talked to her instead of at her about it? I don't know. I know if I react (and believe me, I do sometimes), it only winds my ds up even more.

When she calmed down and wanted to go back to the park. Did you have time do? In the end, teaching a lesson is far more important than punishment. If you didn't have time, perhaps offer to play outside for a little bit and go back to the park tomorrow. Spanking her AFTER she calmed down doesn't seem appropriate to me at all. But, spanking in general, I don't agree with.

One thing I do with my children is tell them it is never too late to turn their attitudes around. Otherwise, at that point, why would they bother if they are already being punished. KWIM?

Get to the library and take out Proactive Parenting, Beyond Punishment and Rewards. She talks a lot about getting one step ahead of our children.

HTH.

Thanks for responding...

At the park, I thought by my telling her already once, not to do that, and then her doing it again, and then telling me no, and then running from me...my reaction of telling her to sit here with me till she can make better choices was a good, calm reaction to her behavior. It was what she did after that moment that changed the whole day.

She never calmed down...at all. The whole way home from the park she was screaming and throwing a fit and being unreasonable, right up to the front door. I am not a huge fan of spanking, but it happends on occasion, and I agree that spanking after the fact is NOT okay. Even if she reacted like that at the park and then walked home witha better attitude and did not throw the tantrum she did then I wouldn't have done it, because by then, the bad attitude and choices would have been 2 blocks behind us. Even after I spanked her and and put her in the corner. She didn't completly calm down and relax till an hour after she was sitting there.

Jera knows all about choices and what choices she should make. I tell her everyday, "have a good day, and make good choices" She know that her behavior is her choice and that it is hers to make. She knows that if she makes the wrong choice then she can do what she needs to do to make the right choice.

Bear Family 04-16-2010 09:31 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jacksmommy1 (Post 10035092)
I have been in that sitauation too. I most likely would have done exactly what you did. I dont think going back to the park or even letting her go outside would have reinforced the punishment. Although my ds would have probably screamed in the corner for 2 hours! As for what to do next idk. JUst keep following through on consequences to her actions. Hopefully she will figure it out

Oh, yeah...No! There was no way we would have gone back to the park, or outside. She'll be lucky if we ever go back. Not really because I like going too, but, ykwim.

Bear Family 04-16-2010 09:37 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by nakedbabytoes (Post 10035140)
You shouldn't feel terrible for making her mind & be safe around other kids. As one of those "other mothers" at a park with older kids that are climbing or playing in an unsafe way, being a danger to themselves & others, I'd think "good for her, making her child mind or leaving."
I'd be sad that it had to come to that though. Of course, we just want our kids to be safe AND happy. She decided to choose not to do either on her own. I think you did great at the park.
Have you talked to her about last night? Sometimes going over an issue after some clarity can help prevent furture issues.
I have smaller kids(daycare ones & my little). When we get out of a vehicle, I remind them the 4 DC rules and why. That way, they have been warned initially so there is no confusion. And yes, we leave if the rules are broken without them learning thru a sit down on a bench first. Following thru is important too.
Will she talk to you about how she is feeling? Why she seems so mad & defiant. Remind her that you are there to help & not just dole out rules & punishments. Sometimes kids forget that they can talk to us without judgment or punishment. Make sure the lines of communication in a positive way are open.
Alot of parents don't feel it's worth the fight. Giving up on your child does a huge disservice to everybody. Good job not just ignoring bad behavior or saying "Kids will be kids". I've heard that alot.
No wonder your kids suck dude. Not yours, OP, the parents who give up or excuse.

Yeah, last night after her bath and I did her hair. Her and I talked and we had a calm concersation. I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that I didn't even know who she was when she was acting like that. I asked her where my sweet Jera went. She said that she was embarressed too.

Bear Family 04-16-2010 09:42 AM

Re: Please help with my 6yo dd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Xeniphia (Post 10035196)
I think you're doing a great job. I agree in seeing if on a calm day you can try to get some insight into why she's feeling differently now, it could well be that she's feeling isolated because of a new sibling and losing her best friend. Do you have the old friend's new address? If so it may be neat for her to be able to be pen-pals with her. If she's not capable of it yet you could write and read the letters for her, maybe it would help her not feel like she lost her friend completely.

When I was 5 my family moved and I lost my best friend, I still remembered that with pain over 10 years later. I don't know if we would have even stayed friends that long had I not moved, but in my kid's brain all I knew was I lost my "only" friend (I didn't make friends well in my new town). Kids losing friends can be HUGE in their minds, much more than we as adults think it should be sometimes.


We have their ph# and they have talked a few times. But she will start to cry on the phone and when I talked to the mom she said that Alana is having a hard time with the move as well, so I don't want to make it worse on her too. I will have to get her address though, silly me, I never thought of that one.





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