Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com

Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/index.php)
-   Parenting Talk (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=12)
-   -   HOW does one decide?! (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989228)

er517 05-18-2010 09:50 AM

HOW does one decide?!
 
So I was wondering this morning...
if something happened to my husband and me, leaving our children w/o their parents, who would I like for them to live with??

Morbid, I know, but just humor me for a minute.

All of our siblings (I have a twin sister and a little sister, he's the oldest and has a brother and 2 sisters) are married, and most already have kids. Since separating them would NOT be considered, would adding 4 more be too much for them? And for the one who doesn't have kids (but wishes she could), would jumping into it w/ no experience be a bad thing?
3 of them don't live in our town. Would moving on top of everything be too traumatic for the kids?

How do people go about this?!

Should one decide first, and THEN ask those people? Hoping they don't say no, causing you to start the search all over?
Ask everyone first, see who would agree to it, and THEN pick one? Hoping the others who said yes aren't bitter about why they didn't get picked?
Don't tell anyone, leave it in your will expecting them to be OK w/ it, and call it good?

What do you think?

ETA: Also, I guess I'm only including family here. Anyone OK w/ leaving your kids with very good friends (close enough that they FEEL like family)??

TNEarthMama 05-18-2010 09:55 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
We only have 2 kids.. But we had this talk already with DH's sister... She and her hubby are the most well off, and have the room for extra kids.. When we had DS#1 we asked them basically if they would be the kids god parents, and if anything ever happened, if they would take our kids in like their own.. Our kids are all pretty close in age, she just has 2 girls LOL...

BIL said that he would not mind one bit, and since he only has girls, I imagine he would love having boys around...

I know it sound morbid, but I would rather know that my kids are taken well care of... My SIL has a huge house, a 6 figure job (both of them actually) and though they don't live the most "natural" lifestyle I know that if we were gone they would abide by our wishes, and concerns...

The only other person that would take my kids in without any questions asked, is my adopted mommy, but as my kids grow she ages, and I'm not sure if given the position she would be able to do handle them at a older age you know..

mamastep 05-18-2010 10:02 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
this is what we did: thought long and hard and visualized what our kids' lives would be like in each situation if it were to happen tomorrow. we ended up picking my older sister and her husband. they are the most stable, financially and otherwise. they are also more likely to raise our children the way we would have wanted. after we decided that, i called my sister and got her ok. we didn't feel the need to talk it over with anyone other family members. the next step was to get life insurance. we made sure to get enough to pay off our debts and have some leftover for the kids. my brother-in-law will be the trustee in charge of that, and they will be able to use those funds for raising our children, and hopefully there will be some leftover for college.

SchatziB 05-18-2010 10:08 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
We've stipulated that DD live with my parents and will keep up with change as they age. We're asked DD's Godparents to step in next . For us it's more important on how they will be parented then where they will live or how much money the person has.. Well that's not entirely true. DH's siblings don't have a lot of money because they don't have a lot of ambition. Not a bad thing but not the best example for our kids were they to be raised in that situation. We want certain things for our children- To be raised in a faithful house, to have a healthy example of marriage and to have success be a healthy goal.

We are military and move all the time. I don't expect another move if needed would be a determining factor for us! But it is reeeeeaallly important for you to choose, ask and legally document. Just in case.

mommyof3monsters 05-18-2010 10:22 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
We already ahve this figured out , and here is the run down ( sounds horrible put like that I couldnt find a better term?)

DH is my daughters stepfather , her father and I have joint custody so naturally if/when I die she will go to her father on a full time basis BUT we also have it written and its in the paperwork in the form of a visitation arrangement that DH will still get to see her and be part of her life since he has been for the past 5 years now.( I will also add that I"m blessed in the fact my ex and I get along well enough to agree to this and he wants DH to stay in our daughters life no matter what even though the ex's new wife doesnt like it!!!).

If DH and I both pass away our son will go to my brother and his wife. And if my ex and I both pass away and DH does as well my daughter will be with my brother and his wife as well. If its just my ex and I DD will stay with my husband and her little brother and will still see her stepmother from time to time if her stepmother so chooses to see her. We think its only the right thing to do. Basically no matter what happens the kids will still see each other on a fairly regular basis.

The reason we have chosen my brother and his wife. They are fairly close to the same age as dh and I ( my brother is 5 yrs older) and although they do have 2 children of their own , they are fully capable of "taking on" our children. We also have more than enough life insurance on DH and myself to cover the expenses that will occur with our deaths as well as take care of the kids and a decent bit of college as well as with our savings. We could have chosen our parents however his father is out of the question he is absoloutely irrisponsible when it comes to doing the right thing and taking care of himself he cant be trusted with the kids he cant even babysit for us! DH's sister is just WAY too immature , and DH's mom and step dad are honestly done raising kids. My father would LOVE to however he has minor health issues that could end up being a big deal not too much further down the road and he isnt in the best place financially. My mom and stepdad have 3 teenage girls at home and we wouldnt really want the kids having the free reign they would with them.

My brother and his wife , are VERY Catholic ( he used to be a priest) and even though DH and I are Pagan - It has already been discussed and we dont push any faith on the kids , they wouldnt force them to be Catholic either they would allow them to make their own choices when they are ready to do so. We also know that our kids would be raised by 2 of the most wonderful , kind , caring , loving people on the planet and they would always know that their parents loved them. They would also still see all of the rest of their family ( and its a big one with lots of extra grandparents lol) and would grow up great values , morals etc , the list goes on but we really felt it would be the best fit for the kids as well as the family. And incase anyone is wondering if somethign were to happen to my brother and SIL - yes we are the ones who would be taking their 2 girls in.

mommyof3monsters 05-18-2010 10:22 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
We already ahve this figured out , and here is the run down ( sounds horrible put like that I couldnt find a better term?)

DH is my daughters stepfather , her father and I have joint custody so naturally if/when I die she will go to her father on a full time basis BUT we also have it written and its in the paperwork in the form of a visitation arrangement that DH will still get to see her and be part of her life since he has been for the past 5 years now.( I will also add that I"m blessed in the fact my ex and I get along well enough to agree to this and he wants DH to stay in our daughters life no matter what even though the ex's new wife doesnt like it!!!).

If DH and I both pass away our son will go to my brother and his wife. And if my ex and I both pass away and DH does as well my daughter will be with my brother and his wife as well. If its just my ex and I DD will stay with my husband and her little brother and will still see her stepmother from time to time if her stepmother so chooses to see her. We think its only the right thing to do. Basically no matter what happens the kids will still see each other on a fairly regular basis.

The reason we have chosen my brother and his wife. They are fairly close to the same age as dh and I ( my brother is 5 yrs older) and although they do have 2 children of their own , they are fully capable of "taking on" our children. We also have more than enough life insurance on DH and myself to cover the expenses that will occur with our deaths as well as take care of the kids and a decent bit of college as well as with our savings. We could have chosen our parents however his father is out of the question he is absoloutely irrisponsible when it comes to doing the right thing and taking care of himself he cant be trusted with the kids he cant even babysit for us! DH's sister is just WAY too immature , and DH's mom and step dad are honestly done raising kids. My father would LOVE to however he has minor health issues that could end up being a big deal not too much further down the road and he isnt in the best place financially. My mom and stepdad have 3 teenage girls at home and we wouldnt really want the kids having the free reign they would with them.

My brother and his wife , are VERY Catholic ( he used to be a priest) and even though DH and I are Pagan - It has already been discussed and we dont push any faith on the kids , they wouldnt force them to be Catholic either they would allow them to make their own choices when they are ready to do so. We also know that our kids would be raised by 2 of the most wonderful , kind , caring , loving people on the planet and they would always know that their parents loved them. They would also still see all of the rest of their family ( and its a big one with lots of extra grandparents lol) and would grow up great values , morals etc , the list goes on but we really felt it would be the best fit for the kids as well as the family. And incase anyone is wondering if somethign were to happen to my brother and SIL - yes we are the ones who would be taking their 2 girls in.

crunch!910 05-18-2010 10:46 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
DH's grandparents have made the statement that if anything every happened to us, THEY would get DS. They didn't' ask us, they just assumed THEY would get him. *rolls eyes* Uh, nope. You are too old. And I wouldn't want you teaching DS your awful, "give me, give me because I'm entitled!!!" attitude.

If *I* alone would pick someone, it would be my twin sister. She has a social work degree, we share all the very important core values. She calls herself an agnostic.. but our beliefs are mostly identical, she just refuses to subscribe to christianity. Don't blame her. And I'd feel that she'd raise DS to be caring, compassionate and moral.

DH probably wouldn't agree. His choice would probably be his mother. Nothing against his mother, I love her to death, but she lives in FL.. a huge move from OH, and I just don't think she has as strong morals as I'd like.

Let's just hope nothing happens since we can't agree. :\

ajane 05-18-2010 10:58 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
It isn't morbid at all and in fact extrememly important. You def. want to make sure you have something set up in a will type form in case something happened to the both of you. You def. wouldn't want them going into the courts care.

Dh and I had a VERY hard time deciding who to leave the kids with. His mom passed away when he was in college and he and his father do not have an type of relationship. I don't want the kids going to live with my parents b/c they are in their mid 60's and they argue way too much and don't have good communication.

I have 2 older brothers. My oldest has 2 kids, but I would NOT leave them in their care b/c my bro and his wife do not have the greatest of relationships.....they also argue A LOT and in front of the kids. :nono:

My other brother I had really thought about......he and his wife would be good, but when we did the will they weren't married yet and dh wanted his brother to take care of the finances. It could be awkward for one to have the kids and the other to be the "finance manager."

So, the only other family member left would be my dh's brother and wife. They have 3 kids and while I don't agree on how they parented and are parenting their oldest (she was never taught "no" and she rules the roost already at 8....well, she has since she was 1 1/2 ;) ) BUT, all in all.....they have the most similar parenting style and religious style. While it still makes me cringe to think of them being raised in their house..........atleast the kids will be together and with family.

It is a VERY hard decision. :hugs:

jac1976 05-18-2010 11:17 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
It was a difficult decision for DH and I to make, and one that I now completely regret and want to change.

I wanted them to be left to my younger sister. DH said no b/c she is a lesbian and while he has no issues with her sexuality, he thinks it is important for DS to have a male role model in his life. I then said my older sister. DH said no b/c she has 4 kids already and doesn't think that our 2 would get the attention we want them to have if they are 2 of 6. So then he mentioned his sister. I wasn't thrilled with the idea as she is not my favorite person. We talked about what is important to us- family over friends, still close to extended family, etc. And his sister ended up being the best choice. I now want to change it b/c she refuses to accept DS' PDD-NOS diagnosis (b/c her ped who has never met my son, said that from the sounds of it my DS is just like any other normal boy.) But that starts a whole, how do you tell someone they are no longer guardians and who do you then choose thing.

As for choosing friends, we didn't b/c we didn't feel that close with anyone at the time, but we are guardians of our friends children. The way they explained it to us is that they weren't comfortable with how their relatives parent, or leaving them with grandparents that are older, they agree with our parenting style, we live close to their extended family, and will always be a part of each other's lives (DH's parents and the other husband's parents are best friends, DH and our friend grew up together) so they chose us.

elizabeth.scalf 05-18-2010 11:55 AM

Re: HOW does one decide?!
 
I agree its a very important topic. For us, it was almost a no brainer. We each have tons of family, mostly with older kids, who would be great parents and role models. But my bro and SIL have a DS 15 days apart from DD. We were each other godparents at baptism. They have the same style of parenting, health, job, etc, plenty of space, with others of my family in the area for support. Plus DD would get a built in twin! Maybe talk to your parents? Since they're older they probably wouldn't expect you to 'pick' them and would therefore have an objective view. It IS a tough choice, but your LOs deserve the best!


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:56 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vB.Sponsors