02-05-2011, 06:08 AM
Join Date: Jun 2007
Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
I need to get this out. Please no judgement...I'm beating myself up for feeling like a brat about all this as it is. I just need a shoulder.
I'm going for a VBAC (due next week). My first was a cesarean after 56 hours of labor. She was positioned horribly (chin up, posterior) and got stuck after my midwife broke my water. I went to 41w6d with her. I'm really working to prepare myself this time. Found an amazing OB, a great hospital, 2 excellent doulas (closest friends...one is a certified doula, one is a vbac mom herself/ican leader), attending ICAN meetings, seeing a chiropractor (webster), really paying attention to positioning, etc.
This time around, very few people know my actual due date. I padded in an attempt to keep family/friends from constantly pestering "so...had that baby yet?". It didn't work. According to the "due date" they've been given, I'm just now 38w2d, and I'm already being treated like a time bomb. My parents think every single phone call I make to them is "THE call", and if they don't answer for whatever reason, they call me back IMMEDIATELY and ask if it's time or today it was "didn't know if we were heading that way".
3 women I know IRL have been pregnant alongside me this time. I knew that 2 were "due" before me, and the other and I share an EDD. I got word yesterday that woman #1 was in labor. She ended up having a wonderful, quick homebirth. Later on today I hear that woman #2 had her babe at 5pm today, and it was a quick, easy delivery. Now #3 most likely won't make it through the weekend, and she is known for super quick labors.
I am very happy for them and all, but I've been in tears all day long. It's not the "I want my baby NOW" feeling I had with DD1 at all. Yes, I'm itching to meet this little one, but it's SO much more than that this time. I am ready for the whole "will I have a successful or unsuccessful VBAC"?" ordeal to be OVER. I hate not knowing what's going to happen or when it's going to happen. I'm not doing any kind of induction whatsoever, so that's not an option. I know I won't be pregnant forever. I just see these women and none of them have ever needed a cesarean, and I'm so thankful for that because my experience was terrifying and devastating. I don't want to be in the hospital for 4 days again. I don't want to miss out on the first few weeks of this baby's life because of pain meds and recovery. I want to be the first person to hold my baby. I'm so jealous of these women I know who had quick, easy labors and all I keep thinking is "I hope that's me this time". I'd repeat the 56 hours of labor again if it means I get my VBAC, though.
I feel so selfish for feeling jealous and not being over the moon for these women. I keep praying daily for my VBAC and for both baby and I to ultimately be safe and healthy in the end...Not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by this post, but just needing to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Allison - mama to Olivia and baby Nora my Valentine's day VBAC!
Last edited by Hopper Graphics; 02-05-2011 at 06:09 AM.