Re: how to make the choice to have another, when you know you can't SAHM?
The first step to being a successful pumper is relaxing and realizing that you're a successful pumper. Start immediately (like immediately) and you'll establish such a rocking supply that you can pump like a mad woman while on your maternity leave and freeze enough milk that you'll be able to send your new one to daycare with milk for quite some time.
My son was born on September 1st and I returned to work on November 1st. He is now 19 months old and I'm still nursing. Around 10 months I stopped responding well to the pump and so I mixed 1/2 milk with 1/2 formula and it KILLED me. I was an extremely vocal breastfeeding activist and was mortified that I'd have to admit to my BF peers that I'd allowed the "EVIL" formula to touch my son's lips. Then I realized that I'm pro feeding babies, and I did what I had to do for 8 weeks. Again, he's 19mo and still nursing when he wakes up, before bed and on the weekends.
I'm psychotically controlling, and I completely empathize with your frustrations. I think the first thing you need to do is write a list of what you absolutely will NOT forego (Cloth Diapers), what you'll be willing to compromise (formula after a few months) and what you can let go of (EC, teaching a foreign language full time before age 2). Then, look at the list. I mean... REALLY look at it and see if you'd feel comfortable enough to have another child and raise it this way.