Re: I feel like a failure this time
I have been struggling similarly with the C-Section/breastfeeding issues so I have to give you a portion of the talk my sister and I had . I wish I could give you the whole thing but I have my baby screaming at me to feed him (with a bottle!)
YOU are needed even if your breasts may not be. Your breasts are not going to teach them how to ride a bike, how to grow tomatoes, and how to read. Your breasts will not take them to the library, make sure they are clothed and sheltered and warm, and feed them nutritious meals. You are important and needed. Your voice, the beat of your heart, and your smell are all familiar and needed by your babies. Your mind and your heart are what is going to make sure those two, and your other children, turn into responsible citizens and smart little people, not your breasts. I could go on and on regarding what your breasts won't do!
Breastfeeding is wonderful and I wish it had gone well for me, but it didn't. I wish I could go back in time and do whatever I could (if there even was anything to do) to make it work out but I can't, I can only move forward. You can only move forward as well. Think of everything that you will do and want to do that doesn't hinge on breastfeeding and I promise it will make it all seem more manageable. When you breastfeed it is all-consuming and when you cannot or your stop it seems the obsession over not doing it becomes all-consuming as well. Every time my son goes for my breasts when I am just holding him it hurts a little bit but it's helping that now I visualize a big sign over them saying "This Attraction Now Closed" like a sign at Disneyland. Sometimes you need to put a spin on it in your head to make it seem better. You do whatever you need to do to put it into perspective. The meds and the counseling will help and as others have said you just need to give it time. If you feel your babies are little strangers that's okay too, they are just little strangers that will become cuter, more cuddly, and more loveable over time until you feel the way you want to feel about them. It's not instantaneous for everyone, it certainly wasn't for me, and the C/S, in my opinion, can make one feel a little once-removed from the whole thing.
All I can say to you is that I wish you well and you need to take a little bit of time each day to first be nice to yourself because you are doing the best you are able to do, and secondly, to make sure to separate you the person and you the female body with the breasts. Two totally different things. You the person is doing the greatest, most self-aware thing by admitting it's not going so awesome, and every day you face it and try to move forward is going to be a better day. You the female body with the breasts should buy a fancy new bra, marvel at the human body even with it's shortcomings, and wake up tomorrow absolving you the person of the sadness.