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Old 04-24-2012, 11:25 AM   #1
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How to be a good parent

Ok, after being on here a while, and reading various book and articles, I finally have it figured how. Here is how to be a good parent:
-It starts with conception. Only get pregnant when you are financially able or you'll be a leech to society. If you get pregnant by accident, you are already a bad parent.
-Eat only organic, made-from-scratch food during your pregnancy.
-Don't take medicine of any kind.
-Don't get ultrasounds, they'll damage your baby.
-Don't be induced for any reason at all.
-Give birth at home, in a pool with dim lights and music.
-Don't take any pain medication for giving birth. If you do you won't be able to breastfeed and your baby will be damaged for life.
-Delay cutting the cord, even better, leave it attached to the placenta and baby until it falls off on it own. Bonus points if you dry your placenta and eat it.
-Hold your baby skin to skin for the next 6 months, never put them down so that you form a proper bond.
-You absolutely must breastfeed your baby. If you are unable to you're a failure and your child will be sickly. You must breastfeed until your child is 5 at least.
-You must wear your baby 24/7 (even in the shower) until they are 2 years old. If you don't they will never form proper attachments to people and wind up divorced.
-Your child must wear only organic cotton clothing or they will get cancer.
-Your child must sleep on an organic mattress or they will die of SIDS.
-Your child must never have any blankets or stuffed toys. They can suffocate.
-You must co-sleep with your child until they are 10, even if it relegates your spouse to another room and you don't get sex again until your children move out.
-All your child's toys must be made of organic wood, or other natural materials with food grade, non-toxic paint. If your child sucks on anything plastic, they will get cancer.
-All cleaning supplies in your house must be natural.
-You must use cloth diapers or your baby will be infertile from the chemicals in the sposies, or better yet, do elimination communication.
-The baby room must have organic carpeting, curtains, natural paint, and unfinished wood furniture.
-Never give your baby a bottle or soother or they'll stop nursing immediately and you'll be a failure as a parent (see above on the importance of breastfeeding)
-Never ever ever let your baby cry. It'll destroy their brain cells.
-If you vaccinate your child they will die.
-If you don't vaccinate your child they will die.
-If you even contemplate spanking your child, you are a child abuser and should call CPS on yourself.
-Never yell at your child, even if they are in immediate danger, you'll scar them for life.
-Do not circumcise your child. It's genital mutilation. Your child should be taken away if you do.
-When it's time to wean at a year old, only give your child organic food made from scratch. Gold star if you grow it yourself.
-You must rear-face your child in a 5 point harness until they are 10.
-Because you don't vaccinate, you breastfeed until your child is 5 and they eat only organic, your child will never get sick. If however, you have failed this in some way and your child becomes sick, don't take them to evil doctors who are part of a secret group to reduce the world's population. Use only natural methods to treat them.
-When your perfect child enters school, you may have a second child so your child doesn't grow up spoiled. But you must not have more than two children or the world will blow up during your child's life-time.

If there's anything I've missed, please post it below.

(Ok, I hope you all have realized by now I'm being sarcastic. )

Last edited by chandni3; 04-24-2012 at 09:28 PM.
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