((HUGS)). I go through the same thing when friends have babies. I don't wish a bad experience on them, but I'm still saddened when others have a smooth vaginal delivery. I feel horrible being sad when I should only be rejoicing.
It is still up in the air whether I can birth babies. I haven't ever gone into labor on my own. I was induced both times (at 40w4d, and at 42 weeks). The 2nd time was smoother (I think because my body was closer to ready), but I got the epi in transition and the baby had decels. My poor choice, so as far as I know, my fault I had the cbac. I wish I could go back and change decisions. Say 'no' to induction, turn the pit down, take the epi out and give it another try, when we got to the operating room baby's heartbeat was back to normal. Wish I had asked to continue laboring, etc.
Maybe I can't birth my babies, but I truly believe I can. It is hard for me not having a definitive answer. I want to give it another shot, but I am down to honebirth or one doc in town that will do vbamc, but induces early. There is supposed to be a birthing center starting up, and I think that is my only shot at convincing hubby to use a midwife. Hope the center will be open when we are ready for another baby.
It is a long process of healing. I will think I'm over it, then I'll hear of someone's birth and it all comes rushing back. I hope you find healing soon.
Wife to Joe. Proud, tired mommy to Captain Destructive (6/09), Sir Screams-a-lot (8/10), and another little miracle due 3/13.
Trusting God brings life. Believing brings rest.