I'm beginning to struggle with my emotions surrounding my failed VBAC. I had a good cry when I needed another csection, but I sucked it up, tried to be strong, and actually had a much better csection experience this time, which made it better. Other than my husband, I was the first to hold my son, and I was able to breastfeed him within an hour (unlike my first birth that many family members held him before I could, they wouldn't allow me out of a recovery room until I could move my feet, and it was several hours before I could breastfeed and my pain was NOT well managed). So, I kept looking at the positive saying this was a better experience, I bonded better with DS2, and was just happy to have my baby.
But yesterday a friend had her baby. Even though she chose to have an elective induction, she ended up only needing cervadil. Her water partially broke on her own after, and contractions started, never needing pitocin. She had a quick labor, epidural at 6cm, checked again a few hours later and already close to crowning and a baby in her arms in only 4 pushes, no tearing.
She ate terribly, but still didn't gain much weight and her baby was 6lbs 15oz. She went 1 week overdue, but never looked more than 7 mo pregnant. I ate EXTREMELY healthy, went to the chiro monthly and even more often at the end, exercised, and still gained 45-50lbs and had a 10lb 11oz baby. I was in labor for THREE days, no pain meds, trying like hell for a vaginal birth. When I did finally go to hospital after three days of no sleep and consented to epidural, I had the epidural for 12 hours, and in that time my contractions slowed so they had to do pitocin, and that still only got me 2 more centimeters.. I only ever reached 5cm.
I'm NOT wishing a csection on my friend. It just isn't fair.
A mother's FIRST job in her child's life is to be able to birth her baby and bring it safely into this world, and I Can't do that. I'm a failure. I won't have any more csections, so we have to be done at two children. I wanted a VBAC because I wanted the option of having more children, but now I don't even have that option. With my first, it was a failed induction under a terrible doctor who was pushing elective csection before I was even 40 weeks pregnant. With my first, I spent all this time blaming the dr for the csection.. but now I know it's just that I'm a failure. My body can't do it. Now the only direction my finger of blame can point is right back at me. The only person I can hate is me. I'm just not meant to bring children into this world.