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Old 05-20-2012, 12:26 PM   #1
fallfromfender's Avatar
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: FL
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Mourning a different type of loss...

I don't know if this is the "right" place to post this, but I'm struggling. I admit, I have not gone through fertility problems, but now I'm unable to have more children and it's devastating. I'm having a really hard time dealing with these feelings, and I don't know anyone personally that has gone through something like this.

My daughter is five months old. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I prepared for a HBAC. Reading birthing books, seeing a spectacular midwife, hypnobirthing, religiously practicing affirmations and doing everything I thought possible to be successful. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

Without going through my entire birth history, I'll leave it at this: My daughter's birth was horrific. Repeat cesarean after over four days in labor. Got stuck with an OB that was insanely rude and unsupportive. She butchered my body. She couldn't get my daughter sectioned properly, and ended up cutting my uterus in a "T" shape to pull my daughter from her womb. The surgery was bad enough, but within a week postpartum, my incision was leaking copious amounts of fluid. The sutures had loosened, and I went back in for emergency surgery. Turns out, my entire uterus had become infected. I was given a hysterectomy.
I spent the next two months trying to heal physically. Weeks in the hospital. I was on a WoundVac pump, had home health nurses coming almost daily to change dressings. Not much later, I was rehospitalized for a pulmonary embolism. I spent much of those first few months in the hospital, going to appointments, and on too many meds to count.

I am blessed with two beautiful children, and I am not ungrateful for them. But I am still trying to cope with the loss of my "womanhood". I can't ever have another biological child. That choice was ripped from me. I can never have another baby, I will never experience another pregnancy. And, unfortunately, I missed out on the majority of my daughter's newborn life. As she grows and meets milestones, I am constantly reminded that this is it. I'll never have this again.

Again, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings. Nothing in life is fair, but this just doesn't feel right. I hate not having a choice. I hate having to choke back emotions when strangers ask questions about having another baby. I know adoption is always possible later on, but I'm missing a part of ME. Of my body. Of what I thought would be my family. I'm mourning the loss of the thought of more biological children, which is completely intangible now. I'm bitter, sad, and angry. I wish this was all a nightmare, but it isn't. It's my reality, and I don't want to face it. I just keep pushing it all away and hoping these feelings will disappear.
Any advice? Has anyone gone through something like this? How do you cope with this type of loss? How do you remain positive when it feels like there's no hope left?
IBCLC & mama to Emerson (5) and Norah (2)
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