I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry not only for your loss but for the horrible experience that lead to it. I would suggest you try to find a therapist who is sympathetic to trauma at the hands of a dr. I think what you are feeling is probably very typical, but ptsd from traumatic births is very real, so don't delay seeking someone to talk to.
Lora, wife to Aaron, mom to Ella-6, Ava-4, Olivia-2, Weston 8 mo
, babywearing, homebirthing, , tandem nursing
, selective delayed vax, doula I sell SCENTSY!!!
Labor and delivery resources HERE