I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry not only for your loss but for the horrible experience that lead to it. I would suggest you try to find a therapist who is sympathetic to trauma at the hands of a dr. I think what you are feeling is probably very typical, but ptsd from traumatic births is very real, so don't delay seeking someone to talk to.
Lora, blessed to be a wife to Aaron- 11 years and a Mom to DD Ella-7, DD Ava-5, Olivia-3, Weston-1
I sell SCENTSY!!!
Labor and delivery resources HERE