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Old 07-02-2012, 05:04 PM   #29
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

Hi there, I'm so sorry you are going through this. In my scenario I'm the "new mommy" and it has been difficult for me to know what is right. When I met my step kids they were 6 and 8 years old. Within the first weekend I knew them, they wanted to call me mommy. My husband and I were not even married yet! Of course, it felt so wrong to me and I asked them to just call me by my name. Later I said they can call me Mamma or ma which is slightly different to mommy. I explained that they have a mommy and I will never be the same to them.

I'm telling you this because I think that small children have this instinctive thing to want a mommy and daddy in one house. Even when hubby's x had a boyfriend, my DSD explained to me that he is her daddy while we all knew the relationship wasn't very strong.

Of course, the lies are not okay and you are very right to address that. You are also right to feel upset that she wants to call someone else mommy. I cannot imagine my bio dd calling anyone else mommy.

If this is something that comes from your daughter and she wants to call her mommy, maybe suggest a synonym for mommy that they can use over there?

Also, in my own experience as a kid, I wanted to call my stepdad, Pappa, and for years didn't because I thought I wasn't allowed (my bio dad wasn't around so I could have). It was only after my brother was born (5 years into my mom and dad's relationship) that I called him dad so that my brother won't be confused. Kids are VERY aware of what they can and cannot do and who is who according to their own internal belief system and what is told to them.

So, I'd make sure that you are very clear with your daughter what you want her to do or not do - or rather ask her what she wants and suggest alternatives.
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