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Old 07-04-2012, 03:25 PM   #37
keen1981's Avatar
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 12,360
Originally Posted by jamiejo
It's been a month since this thread was updated....I've been staying away from DS purposely since I lost my bean... Too hard.

My loss was not as traumatic physically as many listed here. Altho the emotional trauma none can fully describe.

It started on a Tuesday. We were travelling, from DH's parents to my parents on vacation. When we got there that night, I had some slight, brown spotting and a bit of cramping. Called my MW, since she was 5 hours away she just said if I start bleeding bright red to go to the ER. Next day I was still spotting, but it was very slight. Throught and was told it was probably an SCH. Tried to take it easy, the spotting stopped and I was tired. Thought it was indeed an SCH and my prego symptoms were finally kicking in. According to my early sono I was 7 weeks the day i started spotting. By Friday, we were still at my parents, and Friday was crampy altho I didn't admit it. We'd gone to the small zoo, and I thought it was just from walking.

Saturday. It's still hard....
Saturday we were packing up to come home. Dh had everything loaded in the van, all the way down to the puppys kennel, bowl and food. We were saying goodbyes and I went to the bathroom to discover bright red blood. It had just started, and I put on a pad and DH hauled a$* to the ER. we didnt even leave shoes behind for our 2yo. The ER got us in quickly, ran blood work, pulled urine with a foley and did a sono. Then we had to wait. The tech had a poker face like none other and said nothing. We waited another hour and a half or so in the ER before the doc confirmed what I knew in my heart. They could not find the heartbeat. We stayed at my folks one more night. I was still bleeding, was never offered a D&C but dont think I'd have taken it. Cramped all night, all the next day Sunday I cramped and bled. Never heavily, just like a bad period. Monday dawns. DH went to work, but came home in an hour. Said he needed to be here, I needed him too. As the day went on the cramps got harder and more rhythmic. I was in labor. I went to pick up my son from school, DH and DD were asleep. I spent the day rocking in my chair, reading any story i could find of what to expect, and they were few. About 4 Dh was asking me to help make a pie crust... Told him it would have to wait. I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the toilet. i was pushing. I ran a bath and got in. In a few minutes I passed the sack and the placental tissue in one shot. I was bleeding quite a lot, but it slowed a lot and the cramps stopped almost instantly when I passed the baby. My baby. The sack was the size of a golf ball and my tiny little baby looked so perfect and peaceful tucked inside. Still floating. The placental tissue scared me as I expected it to look like something other than mangled tissue. I held my baby and sobbed. Then I wrapped the remains in tissue and placed it in a mason jar until I could decide what to do with it. Dh was so helpful. It was kindof peaceful the way it happened.... I did uterine massage until I didnt gush anything when i pushed hard to make sure things stayed put. And nursed my 2yo. finally got the MW to talk to me the next day, after 3 or 4 calls and a receptionist I wanted to punch. She didnt do any exam or labs of any kind which puzzled me. Didnt even shake my hand or put her hand on my shoulder. On the 45 minute drive home from her office with 2 kids screaming at me I was tempted, truly tempted to drive my mini-van off the cliff we were driving up. I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I couldnt keep my baby safe inside me. My body failed me and I didnt have snacks in the car so they wouldnt stop screaming.... We made it home. The next day was miserable, and that evening I began cramping again and passed some more tissue, but that was the end. Physically that was the end. I blogged a lot during the process, and took my grief out on our overgrown landscape. I dug up rock walls and re-built them. Trimmed bushes and trees that hadnt been touched in years and took some cactus to task. We planted a tree. It was very sweet. i am healing. God has carried me through, but this experience has shaken me to the very core of my being. I miss my baby....Every day i calculate how many weeks I would be. Today would be 19+1.
I've had to AF's since, the first one was h311. It brought everything back. This last one was not as bad, but here I am ovulating again with mixed emotions. We are TTA but I can't figure out why....but I need more time to heal. Most days I do very well, I'm functioning again, I think I'm able to mother my children better now because of this loss. I'm so thankful to my DH. But it was so hard to be here where we have no true friends and so far from family. I felt utterly alone.

Physically, altho the cramping and bleeding was 4+ days, and then another week, it wasn't that bad. Passing the baby was peaceful and somewhat healing. My emotional state has been another story.
I'm do sorry mama. I buried my 10 week lost baby under my favorite tree. Gosh, I think of him every single time I am out there. I put a heavy rock over him. It's still there. It's very healing in a way to pass the baby naturally. Still took me a long long time not to cry constantly. But I am so glad I had that opportunity to 'hold' him
BFing, CDing, all natural mama to three boys! Certified lactation Counselor
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