Thank you Erin. Ok, so here is what I erased. Had such a hard day today....no support no friends, very alone where I live....anyway, here's my thread killer....
Some of this is sad, please do not make me feel bad by letting me kill this thread!
We got started late, I was told I wouldn't be able to have kids, and that I shouldn't. VERY VERY VERY hard pregnancies, and two miscariages. First three children were born in less than three years, then with the fourth I found out I had cancer. Already had a lot of judgement, but I knew that baby was a blessing for us in spite of it all. Then crazy crazy got pregnant with number five several weeks after number four. 11 months a part. Because of my health situations we didn't tell many people. Most of baby number four I was dying and others mothered my children, so it made no sense to anyone for us to be pregnant again. BUT we KNEW that life was from God! And oh the love that was in our hearts for baby number five! I have two children who are high functioning autistic so with the cancer it has been a hard road. Went through hell on earth getting rid of cancer/tumor in spleen and liver but I am alive. And even with all the difficulty and confusion I cannot tell you how blessed I have been to have my precious children, each one is a miracle!
Two weeks ago my fifth child died at almost five months. I was home alone when I found him, most horrible moments of my life and my littles watching the terror. There are no words.
Life IS from God. I am sorry to be sad, but we all need that reminder. A few of those who judged us for our "numbers" saw our deep love for our number five at the funeral. My husband wept openly like no man I've ever seen. I pray that those that love children will love them more and those who judge will see that those (most anyway) of us who make choices to have more love each of our children and we WANT our blessings!
I will probably tell my story somewhere else, I do not want to kill this positive thread so please no need to you are sorry here....please keep encouraging each other in the lonely choices, it blesses me to read your posts. Each life is a gift--and I want the short life of my little Nicholas Abraham to underline that fact!
Also....I am the oldest of eleven, my husband middle of nine. All the siblings but one from each of our families came from all over to grieve with us. Ages from 15-45 between our two families. What a testimony.... these little blessings will be a BIG blessing to all of you in the future and then all the people stop their mouths!