I'm rt there w ya! Our ODD just turned 13, it's been a very hard last 5 yrs or so. I've listened to alot of ppl and done things w my daughter to deal w what you're describing, wish I would've listened to my gut!
Best thing I learned was that I can't really change/control someone else but I can control my responses to things. I learned that I was really feeding into this.
Things are much better now, we try and be very interested loving, positive, and not give her the reaction she wants when she's having a meltdown. Also I don't step into her vertex! When she's trying to bait me into some lame argument.
Be as black and white as possible w your expectations and your own emotions, meaning don't hold grudges, be passive aggressive or resentful.
Also try giving her some of the control.
We read love and logic-helpful.
Sorry for the novel but I remind myself of these things daily just to try and keep the peace around here!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.