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Old 08-31-2012, 06:26 PM   #23
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KelseyH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady
I think long term cohabitation without a commitment rarely if ever turns out well.
I agree. DH and I knew each other 13 weeks before we got married. It cost us $40 or $50 at the local courthouse in front of immediate family - I did not want the stress of planning a wedding haha. The latter half of those 13 weeks he spent on the other side of the world (fire fighter in Iraq).

I think what makes our marriage different (2 years down the road) from his friends who have been married/divorced/miserably married is the fact that we stepped into this with only ONE option - staying married to one another. No divorce, no matter what. He divorced once, his dad divorced 3x (working on #4), and there is divorce riddled throughout my family as well. Neither of us wanted any part of that, and it was something we discussed before getting married was even mentioned.

Honestly I think your SO is leaving himself an "out" if he doesn't want to commit to the hard work of a marriage. The cohabitation/non-cohabitation prior to marriage debate aside, there is undeniable evidence that cohabiting couples are far more unstable than married couples. (not saying there are no exceptions, but that is the rule of thumb according to statistics).

Marriage is important to you because security and loyalty are things you value, and you need him to show you that your family is secure and he is loyal to you by committing to you through marriage (am I right?). I don't know what I would do in your situation since DH was more than happy to marry me, but I would definitely start out with expressing the ROOT of your issue with his decision/opinion: not just "you won't marry me", but "My need for security/loyalty/whatever is not being met because you are reluctant to commit, and that causes fear/anxiety/doubt/etc."

The Seven Conflicts by Tim and Joy Downs is a very good and quick read and shed a lot of light on deep rooted feelings/struggles that DH and I have had with each other. Maybe it would help your SO understand why he doesn't want to get married or why you so desperately do? Good luck.
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