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Old 09-04-2012, 06:11 PM   #44
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Iliana
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Maine
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

Thanks for your input. A few interesting things happened this long weekend. First, we spent Saturday at his family's camp for an early Thanksgiving dinner (his family lives all over the US and come to Maine for the summer). We were asked twice if we were going to get married. The first time I dodged the bullet by saying: "I guess there is no point now...since we had dessert first!". Then, his dad asked if my last name was still my ex's. I said yes and explained that I decided to go to the path of least resistance and I wanted my son and I to have the same last name. Little did I know I was going to meet his son (who BTW, is not happy with the fact I still have my ex's last name). Ryan's aunt then said: "Well, you can change your last name if you guys get married". I really had enough, so very politely I said: "He does not want to get married".

Silence. Ryan protested loudly, and replied: "Well, that is not necessarily true!". And then proceeded to change the subject. Shortly after that we left, and spent the night at Ryan's parents.

The following day his mom asked how I was doing, and I spilled the beans about what had been happening and how anxious and insecure I felt. She listened carefully and calm me down, and in a very gentle and motherly way told me that her son does love me, but is letting his past rule his present.

"He thinks marriage ruins everything. He loves you. He keeps telling me: Mom, I love her so much! She is the one. Just give him time. I still have no clue what his ex did to him that left him jaded. But you are not like his ex and Ryan is not like yours. You guys live in fear of history repeating itself and all you'll end up doing is ruin a beautiful relationship."

It made so much sense that I felt relieved. I thought he had overcome his marriage failure. Turns out like-most men- he set his feelings aside. I am very open and honest about what a mess I still am and I am working on getting back on track. Now it seems he has work to do but I think together we can overcome that.

Thoughts??
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Proud mom to my intact, mostly unvaccinated, baby boys Jayden (11/30/08) and Riley (03/28/2013). WOHM who still manages to lead a semi-crunchy, mostly organic, homeopathic, frugal life.

Last edited by Iliana; 09-04-2012 at 06:13 PM. Reason: clarity
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