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Old 09-16-2012, 10:06 AM   #4
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Re: How to deal with jealousy

Originally Posted by KaleidoscopeEyes View Post
i think it's very important for your partner to respect your boundaries. DH and i dont have any jealousy issues because he knows what things bothers me and doesnt do them. communication is extremely important so if you feel something, talk about it.

what is it about being in a poly relationship that appeals to you? what are you getting out of it? what things are hard?
DH is respecting me and my boundaries. I just want him to be happy and I'm afraid I will make him unhappy if I keep dealing with everything like I have been.

Almost everything about a poly relationship appeals to me. I love the closeness it brings. The love that is in a house. Knowing that you have people that have your back if something fails. I get the love and security. I actually have someone to talk to these days. Mind you I am a SAHM and they all WOH, but still. SO is there for me to talk to at any time. He and I have a great connection. I feel like I can talk to him about anything. I can do the same with DH, but on a different level. DH works ridiculous hours and while he's at work we can't talk. Like this weekend for example, Friday he got home about 3:30pm, we had him all afternoon/evening. Saturday he was out the door by 8:30am and didn't get home until 11pm. Didn't see DD at all. Today he left at 8am and wont be home until 9pm, again won't see DD at all. He won't see DD until Monday after 4:30pm. I feel like I have been a single parent all weekend because he has had to work. Anyway, back to the point. The talking and such isn't the hard part. It's the (TMI) sex part that is getting to me. I was initially okay with it. Now I am having a hard time with it. I know she makes him happy and I'm happy about that, I just wish he were more happy (or at least show that he is) around me and because of me. I feel like I'm failing him even though he says I'm not.

Originally Posted by Hungry Caterpillar View Post
I am not poly nor have I ever been in a poly relationship so take this for what it's worth, for some reason your post just spoke to me--

I think you need to figure out if you are jealous because you are comparing your relationship or self to his relationship with her and herself, or if you are jealous because you don't really deep down want to share.

In the first scenario, you just need to flip your mind and convince yourself that relationships are incomparable and this is why you are able to have two going on that are parallel and equal, so to speak. You get different things out of them and they fulfill different things.

In the second scenario, you will need to determine if this is a hypocritical feeling, in that you are able to be with two but he shouldn't be, or if this relationship no longer feels right. Do you want to practice what you preach? I say that in a totally non-snarky way, just that to be able to receive that ability on your end, you gotta allow for it on his, and I don't mean in a permissive sense, I mean wholeheartedly.

I suspect that some of the roughness comes with witnessing newness in their relationship and you are remembering that newness with your own relationship with him. This is actually why I could never be in a poly relationship with an already established mate - for me personally, the growing pains of one relationship would always be compared to the exotic smoothness of the other relationship and vice versa with the comfort level. And like I said, I have no idea what's going on, just trying to give you some things to jog your mind with and perhaps figure out the root of the jealousy, because that will help fix it.

And FWIW, I believe jealousy is a real emotion and needs to be dealt with. I also think when you move past it your relationship is usually stronger so I very much hope that you get to the bottom of it and the quad is exactly what and how you want it to be. Also, things always look way better in the morning, so you may wake up and feel like it's not jealousy as much as being weary about the day/week/situation. Good luck!

1st bolded- I do believe this is it. I have a hard time not comparing myself to her. She is a great person, and I'm afraid that I am lacking somehow. DH says otherwise, but how do you get your brain to believe it? I feel totally irrational sometimes. Like, this shouldn't be bothering me even though it is. I don't mind all the cuddling and kissing and talking that they do. I have a hard time with the intimacy of sex. I keep feeling that I lack and that he will want to do things with her more often than me and that eventually not want me at all.

2nd bolded- I do miss the newness of our relationship and am jealous that she gets to feel that. Even though I am doing the same thing with SO. That part doesn't bother me as much as the physical. I can deal with that. DH and I try to make time to do things alone to make sure we stay strong.

3rd bolded- Once I can get out of this funk I believe the quad will be really strong. We've been friends for a long time and I know things take time to work out. I just wish I could get past this so that we can get there faster.

Thanks ladies.
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