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Old 09-17-2012, 01:39 PM   #11
Computermama
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Re: REPEAT C/S OR VBAC?

For me it was a no brainer. Once I did a bit of research and found out how low a risk VBAC is and that a RCS would actually be higher (if still pretty low) risk, I chose VBAC and fought right to the end for it.

I believe that my OB was just humoring me with the induction for my first, he'd been talking c-section for weeks. He induced me for suspected Macrosomia at 39w2d and his idea of induction on a cervix that was high, long and completely closed was to just put me on pitocin and have someone check me every hour and up the dose if I wasn't dilating. Which I didn't at all. After 5 hours of having contractions almost right on top of one another, my cervix was still high, long and completely closed, so braniac decided to try to break my water, and instead tore out a peice of my cervix and nearly got a kick in the head. He then told me that he was either sectioning me or sending me home, but he figured if I went home I'd just have to have the section at a later date. I was devastated and consented to the section.

On the table I became two different people. The calm, rational woman who could talk and ask questions like a normal person, and the wounded animal who wanted off the table NOW so that she could go curl up in a dark cave and lick my wounds. I don't think anyone has any clue how badly part of me was panicking because I could still talk and ask rational questions. They cut me open and lifted my beautiful baby above the drape so I could see her and I distinctly remember my first thought being "cool, it's out, now get me the **** out of here" I could hear myself asking questions, like if it was the girl I'd been sure she was (we didn't know going in), if she was ok, but all I could hear was the raving of a mad woman inside my head wanting everyone to stop touching me and leave me alone. My husband took our daughter upstairs to be cooed over while I cried alone in recovery for an hour - I'd told him it was ok. When I finally did see her a part of me didn't want to hold her or bond with her, it wanted to run away and pretend the world didn't exist. It took weeks for that voice to go away. I gave up breastfeeding in large part because it hurt badly enough that part of me wanted to hurt my baby for hurting me.

For me, if I'd had to go through that again, if someone told me I couldn't have a VBAC, I'd have not had any more children. It is the scariest thing I've ever experienced to feel like I wasn't in control of my own mind, and I thought I was going crazy. Thankfully, after fighting SPD and pre-e I was able to have the VBAC that I wanted, and didn't have any of those symptoms with DD2.
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