Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Springfield, MA
How to deal with family giving us a hard time?
First, I'm sorry to post here because this technically isn't about a preemie, but our son who is still in the NICU (will be 3 weeks on Monday). I wish this forum was for Preemies/NICU babies or we had a general NICU Babies forum.
Now, onto my problem. I am on a medication that could cause withdrawals in my babies. DS1 had no issues and went home when I was discharged. DS2 however, has not been so lucky. He will be 3 weeks on Monday and has been in the NICU (well, step down nursery) since birth. He's doing wonderfully right now but had a rough few days which is what caused him to be in there longer than anticipated. My family knows about this, DH's parents do not. When DS2 was initially admitted we told them they wanted to monitor Vinny due to some jitteriness possibly caused by my having been borderline GD. This reason came from a nurse when we asked what to say since we didn't want them to know about my specific medication. It just isn't any of their business in our opinion.
They were upset but were okay at first. But then when the realization that he'd be there awhile hit my MIL had a terrible change of personality. We have a great relationship and frankly, we thought she'd be the most understanding/helpful of our families. Here are her issues:
1. She'd constantly call DH and bug him non stop about WHY he was there, WHAT they were doing, specifics. She HAD tohave specifics.
2. She wold call my aunt and other family members and go on and on about how we were "hiding" things from her, this was HER grandson (that makes my blood boil), she was in the medical field and she had a right to know what was going on
3. She works at a medical center and while she's only in administration, she goes to the other doctors and nurses and tells them the little she knows and tries to piece the puzzle together even after we asked her not to say anything to anyone at her work.
This is what we told her. One of my medications for IBS or Anxiety didn't agree with the baby and he needed to be put on some medications to keep him comfortable. He can't go home with this medication so they need to slowly wean him off of it, andthen he can come home.
That is the exact scenario, except it's actually from a different medication. We just don't want her knowing the actual medication I'm on, but otherwise that's the truth. DH finally had to be blunt with her and say that if she didn't back off he'd stop takling to her until the baby came home. He's an only child and is SUPER close to his mother. She's been great to us since but she's still calling my aunt complaining that we're lying and she has a right to know, etc, and that she will be giving DH a lecture once baby is home, etc. She will be shot down soooo fast if she dare attempt that.
basically, I know she's just concerned because she loves our baby. Butshe's acting incredibly selfish and letting her grief ruin our relationship with her. It took her a week to ask me how I was holding up with everything. DH finally took her to visit him to calm her down but he was sleeping and can't be disturbed when he is. She stood there and kept touching him and trying to gently wake up and DH had to stop that too. She feels she has a right to know the specifics, like what medications he's on, the exact diagnosis, etc. We feel no one has a right to know anything, other than he's healthy and doing just fine. At first we know she was super worried that something was seriously wrong with him but she finally believes otherwise now. She's also the type that wants to fix things and I know she feels she can somehow fix this. She asked if she could sit up at the hospital all day with him, which we told her no. It breaks my heart that I can only be there a few hours a day and frankly, no one but DH, myself,orthe nurses will be caring for our son.
I am so hurt and offended by her actions and accusations. She hasn't said anything to me, just DH and my aunt, but still. She makes me feel like I'm not a good enough mom without her help and as if she could care less about our grief and stress over this. She is being super nice to me but I can't get her words out of my mind. This is OUR child. Being a grandparent is a priviledge, not a right, and she's overstepping her boundaries big time. I'm also super nervous about when he does come home. I know she's going to try to be here 24/7 and wanting to hold him, etc, but he's still going toneed quiet and avoid being overstimulated for awhile. Besides, we want some time for us to bond as a family, just the 4 of us, since we haven't been able to yet. We will of course let people visit and hold the baby but we want our time with our son, and it won't be like when a healthy baby comes home and everyone plays pass the baby. She's going to have a huge issue with this I fear. I will not hesitate to stick up for myself and our son but I don't want our previous good relationship with MIL ruined.
Sorrythis is so long. I am just shocked and hurt that the person we thought would support us most is giving us the most problems, even if it is just behind our backs. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this or what to do. For the most part DH is handling her, but I know I'll eventually have to speak up (like about the excessive holding, etc) and I want to support DH too. THis was a huge shock to him as well since they were so close. Sorry this was so jumbled too. Dealing with a baby in the NICU is hard enough without this too. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks mamas
Alycia + Tom = 2 Labor Day babies! Tommy (9/09) + Vinny (9/12)
Under construction: unexpectedly expecting in 2015!