Thread: Anyone else...
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Old 09-28-2012, 08:04 AM   #20
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Re: Anyone else...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RunawayBunny View Post
Thinking of you. Honestly, my doppler has given me nothing but anxiety. I am sending it back tomorrow, six weeks early. I know I have a tilted uterus, but it didnt stop the ob from finding DS's. I just dont know what I am doing and its not worth the anxiety it adds.
This road... sucks.

In all honesty, I don't know if a doppler would make any difference in my anxiety/worry/fear about this pregnancy/baby. I mean, I would know if it was alive right now or not... but that's not really my concern.
My major concern and worry is that this baby has whatever Elliana had, and is just going to die in another few months like she did.
Hearing a hb at this point wouldn't allieviate anything for me, cuz we heard her hb now too. It's really honestly all about the movement... or lack thereof, which is the problem right now. That would make all the difference for me.

I'm wondering, too, if I have been feeling the normal little things I've felt in other pregnancies (before Elli), but I've really desensitized myself to them and am not recognizing them for what they are, kwim? Every so often I do feel something and think "was that the baby?", but then I feel nothing more right away, so I convince myself it wasn't. I think with the other pregnancies, I would feel those things and just say "that was baby", instead of questioning it.
If that makes sense at all.
I've just absolutely refused, this time, to convince myself of not obvious things or to convince myself or tell myself that things are going to be okay. I worked so hard to convince myself of just that with Elliana, I thought of all the reasons and excuses why I wouldn't be feeling the "right" movements, or why I was measuring small, anything that would mean things were still going to be okay... and it was just much more crushing. I can't build myself up like that again.

Sorry for the novel here... and I am really sorry if what I say is uncomfortable for some mamas to read. Trust me, I do understand that. I remember being uncomfortable reading these things before we had any losses. But this is my reality now.
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~Elena~
Momma to R (12), Z (10), I (8), L (4), P (1) & Apr '15
remembering Elliana Lucy (2.7.12)
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