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Old 10-01-2012, 03:33 PM   #16
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Location: Misawa, Japan
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Originally Posted by Computermama View Post
The calm, rational woman who could talk and ask questions like a normal person, and the wounded animal who wanted off the table NOW so that she could go curl up in a dark cave and lick my wounds. I don't think anyone has any clue how badly part of me was panicking because I could still talk and ask rational questions. They cut me open and lifted my beautiful baby above the drape so I could see her and I distinctly remember my first thought being "cool, it's out, now get me the **** out of here" I could hear myself asking questions, like if it was the girl I'd been sure she was (we didn't know going in), if she was ok, but all I could hear was the raving of a mad woman inside my head wanting everyone to stop touching me and leave me alone. My husband took our daughter upstairs to be cooed over while I cried alone in recovery for an hour - I'd told him it was ok. When I finally did see her a part of me didn't want to hold her or bond with her, it wanted to run away and pretend the world didn't exist. It took weeks for that voice to go away.
I understand this and I'm so sorry that you went through it.

I was much the same way. I fought to the end to not have a csection and it happened anyways. And it really really affected me. I had a doctor a few months ago (a male family doctor who was amazing) tell me how he thought that csections really affected women's psyches (not all women, I am sure) and how it can be a blow and he understood how I was still feeling guilt and depression from it 20months after it happened. It was really nice to have a medical professional tell me that my feelings were valid and understandable. That actually helped me heal tremendously.

So many times it seems women are brushed off with a 'you got the same end result - a healthy baby' and not validated and understood. Unless you have been a woman affected in this way, I guess it's hard to understand. The doctor said he understood because his wife went through it and he saw the damage it did to her.

The healthy baby is desired. but the healthy mom is also important.
SAHM to Magnolia May (09/10), Luke Russett (04/13) and expecting 11/16. Wife and best friend to my airman.
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