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Old 10-07-2012, 01:00 PM   #61
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bluedaisyma
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geckmumto3 View Post
I don't think it is possible, TBH, but I think that has more to do with my perception of truth and lie. I believe any time you edit or omit information you are lying, so, I do lie to my children. Regardless of Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc... I omit information all the time.

My DS recently came home and asked DH if he had ever done drugs. A police officer had come into the classroom and spoken about drugs and bad effects of drugs on your body. Well, my DH had dabbled a bit in his past. We agree that one day he can tell the kids, when it is an appropriate life lesson. Not at 6 years old, however, so DH was vague and redirected him into more chatting about how dangerous drugs can be. Definitely lying.

My mother was an alcoholic at the end of her life. She drank herself to death when my DD was 3. DD loved her, and was, of course, completely unaware that Nana had a drinking problem because that is beyond the realm of her understanding. She asked me outright why Nana died. I told her Nana died because she didn't take care of her body. As she has grown, I have fed her more information, at my discretion, and as I see fit for her to understand. I want her to have a clear picture of the truth about alcoholism, because it is rampant in my family. But, she was not yet equipped to know and understand everything, so I lied.

Recently a young girl was snatched while walking home from school. A lady and her boyfriend hurt her terribly and killed her in horrific circumstances. The missing child case, the discovery and the trial were all over the news for a long time. Again, I protected my children from it, and I gave answers as I saw fit. One day, DD and I were alone in the car and the news report gave an update on a filed appeal regarding the case. She asked me about it, and I recapped what we had spoken about already. She asked me more. I answered her, within certain parameters. She asked me, "HOW did they hurt the little girl, Mummy? What did they do to her?" We talked about bad touch, again, etc... and I talked about how they hurt her so much that she died. "But HOW? What exactly did they do to her?" No, I am sorry, I am not telling my then 8 yo that someone could hurt a little girl like that so I lied. I said I was not sure exactly what they did to her. Not just omission, outright lie, because she does not need to KNOW the intimate details.

I firmly believe in answering kids' questions to the best of my ability and at an appropriate level for their personal development. But, when you have tenacious and curious kids, sometimes things need to be hedged a bit.
you could have said to your DD (about the molestation/death) that it was too sad to talk about or whatever that you didn't feel comfortable talking about it, she was too young...any number of things. (not being mean, just saying that there are ways of not telling kids things that are too scary, etc without lying.)

my kids (teens) have never asked me if I have tried drugs. If they do, I will tell them. If they were younger, I might say I wasn't ready to discuss that with them.
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