10-11-2012, 02:49 AM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Re: Selfish with your baby
Exactly my feelings all along. But I felt if I said it out loud, I'd be judged for not being a mama bear.
Originally Posted by luvsviola
I have been reading this thread, and I have one observation...
This thread is very "I" centered with little regard for the feelings of others. IMO, it takes a village, and there is something to be said for family dynamics and not coming off as a controlling person, too.
I see a lot of people on DS spending a ton of time complaining about their family not wanting to be involved with them. Then I read threads like this where people write "I can't stand when people want to hold and love on my baby. I don't want anyone to come see us."
If you treat them that way when baby is small, those hurt feelings don't just go away because baby got older. Of course they are resentful! Instead of just thinking about what "I" want, it may be wise to step back and see how you are making others in your life feel, because you may need their help and support later, and they will remember the day you wouldn't let them near the baby because you "couldn't stand for anyone else to hold her."
You are right, those hurt feelings linger on for years and when DILs want grandmas to take care of the child, it is but normal for them to not show any interest. Like my mom used to say "Yeah, so now that she wants to go back to work, son asks me to take care of the 2y baby. Where was the love when she wouldnt let me hold the infant for more than a minute, where she wouldnt let me enjoy with my first grandchild-at 11mos- for more than an hour? And now if I decline to do so I'll be the bad MIL/grandma who will not take care of her GD. Grandma comes into picture only when she needs her for free babysitting."
She did of course look after my niece with a lot of love, but brother got a job in a diff city and they moved. We havent seen much of them since.
I guess it all just boils down to trust. Unless the family members are smokers/on drugs/alcoholics/sick or dont have patience with kids, I cant wrap my head around the possessiveness, esp'lly towards ILs. That baby is as much their son's newborn as it is your family's. It is their flesh too.
DS1 and I had a rocky start. He was sleep the day and up all night baby, would take 45mins to feed, wouldnt burp easily, and was generally a very aware and want-to-see everything bright eyed infant. Wore me out as a first time mom. I was home from the hosp. and ILs came to see their 5th grandchild. He had just been fed and was fussy -needing to be burped. FIL offered to take him and I went off to take a nap.
I woke up to MIL nudging me awake saying "Rushabh is hungry. Get up"
It wasnt just a short nap,I had apparently slept for 4h straight! And they took care of him all along, changed him when he'd pooped (I was slightly guilty, since I used cloth and I wasnt sure if they would feel icky about it) burped him and he'd napped on and off.
And that 4h interaction, set the seeds of their love towards DS1. FIL used to visit us often -every 4-5mos-just to spend time with DS1. He stayed at my ILs for 10days when DS2 was born and for a month during his summer holidays. He's destructive and messy and yet they love him a lot.
Its a very gratifying thing, warms my cockles! THough MIL and I have a passive-aggressive relationship, DH is glad that I havent made our kids the pawns in this relationship.
All those crunchy things and more Amma to DS1(9.2007)