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Old 10-11-2012, 05:03 AM   #78
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Re: Selfish with your baby

Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon View Post
I can see both sides of it. I experienced extreme postpartum anxiety after DS was born, but didn't realize that's what it was until years later when DD was born and I didn't experience it with her. Those protective mama best feelings are so overwhelming and intense, and when close family are ONLY focused on holding a newborn baby, especially those first 6 week, it makes sense that it would build into resentment in moms. I'm guessing in cultures/families where the extended family and in-laws come in and help out with maintaining the home and sibling care AND snuggle the baby, it's not as challenging for mom to overcome those anxious feelings and share baby.

For the record, I had horrific anxiety about "sharing" my DS, but I did it anyway bc I knew rationally that it was important for him and for my husband and his family to bond with DS. I was just in absolute postpartum crazy HELL the whole time... Lol.

I do think that my generation of moms are way too possessive as a whole though. Yes, we grew the baby. But we didn't miraculously impregnate ourselves. And we didn't miraculously spontaneously generate ourselves. The baby is just as much a part of our DH, and our IL's and our parents as they are a part of us. And while our babies have a special dependence on us and need for us during that first 3 months especially and the first 2-5 years even developmentally, our role is to build that bond in such a way that shows them there is always enough love to bring more relationships into the circle. There isn't a limit of love that has the be protected or hoarded.

I've mentioned before, my IL's and I get along perfectly fine when I don't have a nb, and even through that we see them at least once a week, and they DO hold my children. I guess when contrasting with MY family, my family comes to see our FAMILY, not just the baby. They are not focused on getting as much time holding the baby as possible, in taking the baby and walking away to another part of the room or house. When they do hold the baby, they sit right next to me and talk about how things are going, we share the experience of the new baby together. They don't hold the baby for 20 minutes, or insist on trying to put them to sleep.

When my first was 10 days old, my husband went back to work, I had a broken tailbone, a 4th degree tear, mastitis and could hardly walk from the pain. My FIL showed up without calling brought HIS mom and asked if they could come in and hold the baby. My house was a mess and I was so overwhelmed I told him no it wouldn't be a good time. In contrast my mom asked if she could do some grocery shopping for me and take me to the dr for my mastitis since I couldn't drive yet. She held the baby while I was at my appointment and helped me do the dishes and make some lunch when she brought me home.

To me, it is totally inappropriate to feel some sort of ownership over someone's baby. Grandchild or not. My kids have a GREAT relationship with my IL's, we have never denied them from spending time with our kids (when appropriate), but their attitude of entitlement and ownership over our children is troubling as babies.

We see my family just as often, but as I mentioned before, their main goal isn't to get the baby away from me, or see who can have the most time holding the baby. We all interact together, and yes they get to hold the baby too, but they don't run off with the baby or make it known that the point of their visit is just for the baby.
Hi I'm Sara mommy to 4 little Mischief Makers
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