Join Date: Jun 2010
Struggling with DD Choosing Her Dad Over Us
Sorry if this is long. I'm wondering if anyone has gone through something like this themselves, or have kids that have gotten on the other side of this.
DD1's dad is my ex, and dh is her step dad. This has been going on and off for a while, but DD makes it pretty clear through her actions she would much prefer to be at her dad's house than ours, and it is heartbreaking.
Since we started homeschooling, DD's grandma thinks I'm keeping her in a box and seems to be trying to undo any protections I put in place (letting her go to the mall and meet friends at 10 years old, buy her the newest fashions, let her have a FB account, etc.). DD is a people pleaser, which is a big reason I wanted to homeschool in the first place: she says yes to anyone as her first reaction so she doesn't have to deal with confrontation.
DD's dad seems to think I'm too strict, and he lets her basically stay at his houes more like a roommate than a daughter. She only has chores sometimes, she can watch any movie she wants and play any video games she wants, regardless of ratings, she can be on the computer alone at any time of night, etc. He doesn't try to hide his dislike for me and tells her stories of stupid things I did when I was in highschool and college. DD says it is just a joke, but I asked her when the last time he made a joke in my favor was... yeah. I can't see right through this. He's trying to make it look like I'm a hypocrite because I've stopped doing these things and live pretty on the straight and narrow now.
What I don't get is still why she prefers his house when his way of showing attention is to make fun of you (his nickname for her is Loser, he tells her she has a mustache, etc), he doesn't play any games with her (we have family game night that DD asks for and gets all pouty if we dont make time when she asks for it, though we usually do), he barely ever lets her go to see friends during his time, his only brings her to do stuff that he likes and not stuff that is focused on her, etc.
When I ask her about it, she says she doesn't get to see him as much so she wants to get any time she can. Well, today she was signed up for an event through the library that got cancelled, and she asked if she could stay at her dad's with his GF because he would be at work. He's not even there and she still wants to not be at my place! She gives him extra bonus points for not leaving when I got pregnant, but I'm an awful person if I don't sit and watch her fencing practice, (which he sleeps in the car when he brings her to practice).
I'm bitter, and I have a hard time not showing it. I feel like I'm going through a breakup that I can't get out of since she always chooses being with him instead of me. It comes out sometimes and then she gets all sad because her parents don't get along, so then I'm again the bad guy because I reminded her of this fact by being sad.
I feel like I'm losing her forever. She'll never want to be around me again, and there's nothing I can do about it. I tell her I love her all the time, I give her hugs, take her to do things that are just for her, and try to make time for just her and I to do things together. Yet, whenever she brings up things I've done, it's that I yelled once when she was learning to ride her bike, or that I used to sleep in (I worked full time and went to school full time as a single parent... and her dad takes naps and sleeps all the time, but that's because he's a respectable person and he works so hard). I honestly feel that her dad has thrown me under the bus enough times that she has this filter for any action I do, which is different than any action he does.
I feel like I should just morn her loss and move on. She'll still be here, but not count on her for any appreciation and basically act like coworkers, but I know this is the bitterness that is talking. She'll definitely hate me forever if I do that, but I feel like I can't keep putting myself out there and she says thank you, appreciates it, then acts like I've never done any good towards her a week later.
WAHM married to my love
, submitter to God
, mama to DD1 ('99), DD2 ('10) and Surprise Baby Due 4/7/13
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