at that toe-sucker! That's too funny!! I mean, adorable, too... but funny!
And I love the gender reveal idea to your kids
Even though your little guy isn't too happy right now - I'm sure once he holds her he'll be in love!
There are posts about Elliana on our blog - you can click on her name on the side and they'll come up, kwim? But I don't know that I posted everything even there. There's not really much more to it than I did post, though.
I never felt right the whole pregnancy with her. Something felt off, somehow. I didn't feel any movement from her at all until nearing 12 weeks, and then it was just little bumps, not much wiggles or squirming at all. Her movement didn't progress - over the weeks it didn't get more frequent or stronger or anything more than a bump every couple days. I worried and worried... and then convinced myself that it must be an anterior placenta. I fully convinced myself that it was nothing wrong with the baby, but something odd with the pregnancy, but that she would be fine.
Went for the 20 week u/s. Took the tech forever. She finally showed me Elli at the end of the time, but in a weird way (now that I think back on it, anyways, at the time I just wanted to get the heck outta there) - she quickly showed me her head/profile, her feet, and her heart.
DH got a call at home within an hour of the u/s that I needed to go to my Dr immediately. I was still in town running a few errands, so I went over by myself. He showed me the u/s report - multiple anomalies found, she was measuring barely 17 weeks, no movement was seen in the whole scan (which, like I say, was really long. like 2 hours), ribs too short, abdomen severely underdeveloped, stomach and heart on the opposite side of her chest, they suspected a fatal form of dwarfism.
We were sent to fetal assessment in the city, got an appt for 2 days after the first u/s. Much different there - we were able to watch the u/s screen the whole time, they explained everything they were looking at/for and measuring. We saw no movement from her, she was measuring exactly the same as the first u/s, but her heart was beating, we found out she was a girl, and most importantly, they didn't see many of the same anomalies the first u/s tech/radiologist saw (organ and rib issues). Their overall diagnosis at that point was arthrogryposis, but it was more the main symptom and we had to figure out what was causing it to actually get a diagnosis.
We had blood drawn on DH and I that day - for genetic testing on both of us, and to check specifically for a form of muscular dystrophy in me that can cause this. We were given another appt 2 weeks from that day, and told we likely wouldn't have any results before then but they would call when the results came back.
Went back 2 weeks later, her heart had stopped beating. They kept saying she must have died right after our previous appt, because she hadn't grown any at all since those u/s, but I know I felt more bumping from her the week before she died, and I know I felt her stiffen that one evening earlier that week (which when I talked to the geneticist about that she agreed that was very likely when Elli passed away). We did an amnio, attempting to get some answers - again told we would be called right away with any results. Very likely the amnio was useless and had no results, because she had been dead all ready a few days.
That was on Friday Feb 3rd. We went back to the city for induction (and we're all still really confused as to why we had
to travel to the city for induction instead of being able to have her at the hospital here). All of our parents flew in and met us at the hotel the night before, then stayed with all the kids through the day of the induction. Induction got started at... 7:30 am? I think. Somewhere around there. She was finally born at 7:10pm.
Then I ended up having retained placenta and needing a d&c - that ordeal involved a really pissy OB who yelled at me and was really mean and unprofessional (and who I was told to come back to see in 4 weeks... yeah. never did. jerk.).
Finally I was back in my room around 11pm and the kids and our parents were able to see Elliana. We were all together for an hour, then the kids were exhausted and needed to get to bed. DH and I stayed for another hour or so with her, just saying goodbye.
And that's pretty much the story. There isn't much other ending, because as much as we were told we would be called right away with results, we haven't heard a single thing from them in... well, 8 months now.
for a good appt and scan!! That's great!
Sorry you're so sick, but it really is good that you are able to have this sick leave time to take care of yourself and this bean.
I do hope this yuckiness doesn't hang on too long for you.
Bah. I don't know what I'm feeling. That's not entirely true... I feel little things that could possibly be something, but not the same as I was feeling before. My mind and my heart are all ready accepting that this baby is dead. That numbness and "auto pilot" feeling.
I know there could be all sorts of explanations. And if I had a doppler it may
help relieve some worries - but, like I've said before, we heard Elliana's heartbeat up until she was gone... it was all in her movement and overall feeling that was weird and not right. And I can't sit here convincing myself it's this thing or that thing, and that the baby is still okay. I don't have that strength anymore.
Almost better to just accept it, rather than get my hopes up and have them crushed again.
and everything else to feel something today, something definite that I can't explain away.