Lost it last night
I've lurked this forum for a long time, hardly ever posting, but today I am at such a loss, I don't even know what to do with myself.
Hubby and I have been TTC since February 2010. I was on the Depo Provera shot for 2 years following a miscarriage at 18, (I contracted MRSA) and went off of it in November 2009. Since then, I've only had one period. I had admittedly gained a LOT of weight on Depo, (close to 100lbs, granted I needed to gain about 15 of it.) so I decided that before going the clomid route, I'd just try to get my body healthy. I've lost 60 lbs, and luckily conceived 5 weeks ago, the first time I ovulated in about 8 months.
Hubby and I have been over the moon excited. I had my first appt. with a midwife scheduled for tomorrow, and we were going to announce it to our families on Sunday. FINALLY after over two and a half years, it was happening.
I woke up early yesterday with a feeling of dread and upset for no explainable reason. I started spotting, and then early afternoon, I got really really bad cramps. Less than an hour later I started bleeding really heavily. I was only 5 weeks along, so it's just been a lot of blood and tissue. I spent most of the evening and night in the bathroom, bleeding and crying. My husband has tried to be supportive, but he doesn't really know what to say, and he's only been home for 7 hours (6 of which were spent sleeping) since it all started. (He can't call in to work... we run a business and there IS no one to call in, and we can't just close for the day) I've been home alone through it all. My mom tried to be supportive, but she's never really been good with words, and she's been so objective about it all it has just made me feel worse.
We breed health tested Great Danes, and I was so excited to be whelping a really anticipated litter in December, and now I'm dreading raising the puppies or doing anything that involved babies.
Before getting my BFP, I was struggling with a lot of things, in 2009 I turned my life around and though I'm glad I stopped bad habits, I also moved out of state and it's been really lonely. I struggle with not feeling like I fit in or belong anywhere, and spend most of my days home alone. I felt like finally, I would "belong" to a group of women I wanted to be a part of- moms. Now aside from feeling overwhelmingly sad over the loss, I feel so displaced all over again.
I'm not sure if anyone out there will even read this. I just needed somewhere to dump all my thoughts, and maybe not feel completely alone in the world.