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Old 11-14-2012, 11:21 AM   #22
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Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

I would follow through with the threat. You could lay out a few things she could do (ie. good behaviour, good "listening ears", nice language, etc) to earn it back. But if she does not do the work you cannot give it and let her have the party anyways.

More likely, for us and our kids, I would just leave it at "you did 'x', now 'y' happens". They would still have a small family party - just us, some cupcakes - but no decorations (we always decorate the dining room with streamers, balloons, and banners), likely no presents, and certainly no "friend party".

Originally Posted by jen_batten View Post
But TBH, you make it sound like this *is* an ongoing issue, and that she hasn't been willing to do anything/change her attitude to earn it back, so I would probably make it stick.
And that is why I say I would just leave it and follow through with it. A one-time thing, or a rare tantrum, is one thing.
But this sounds like a constant and ongoing issue with her and she needs to learn that there are negative consequences to her unacceptable behaviour.

Originally Posted by badmisterkitty View Post
I might try it if I can get her in a good mood. She will turn on a dime, plug her ears, scream at me, and much more if the subject material isn't to her liking.
You shouldn't have to try to "get her in a good mood" (by "get" I assume you mean "catch"?). Life doesn't wait for our good moods, and crappy talks have to happen whether we like it or not. She can't always ignore things she doesn't want to hear or talk about.
My DD does try this (moreso than the boys) - if we say something she doesn't want to hear, she stomps to her room and slams the door. We just follow, knock and open the door, and say whatever we were going to say anyways. Then tell her that she's free to come out whenever she wants, as she put herself there, not us sending her as a punishment. I'm getting better too that I can stop talking and say "No. Stop and turn around. I am still speaking to you and you need to listen for a minute." when she starts to stomp off.

Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
SO, just don't give the child an audience. Walk away. If they follow, then you send them to their room. If they refuse to go, you pick them up and put them there.
Yup, I agree with that. Although I only will walk away when they're little (like the 2 year old, and even then we're starting to remove him from the situation/room instead of ourselves). As they get older I want them to learn to walk away themselves when they get feeling angry and out of control - go to their room, take a breather, come out when they feel better and have themselves under control. So, we will tell them they need to go to their room and if they don't go, we take them ourselves.

For DD and DS2 this works really well - they will go to their room, lay on their bed or look at a book or something, maybe scream to get the feelings out (not crying screaming, but just screaming, like into a pillow, kwim?) and then calm themselves down.
DS1 is a bit more... well he needs to physically get his aggression out. Unfortunately he often does this by literally throwing things around when he is sent to his room - he'll take all the books off the shelves, dump out the lego bucket, take all the clothes out of his closet. He very rarely actually breaks or damages anything, and by doing it with just stuff in his room he isn't hurting anyone, though we would love to help him find a different way to get things out physically. For now, we let him throw (literally, lol) his fit, let him calm himself down, then we go and tell him he needs to clean everything back up before he can come out with us - after a few minutes of him actually cleaning up (as opposed to whining at us about how he "can't!" or doesn't know how to) we go in and help him finish up.

Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
Those kind of things are important memories of childhood IMO. I still remember my birthday party in Kindy. We had it at Chuck E Cheese and it was super special.
I don't think missing one birthday party is going to make or break her childhood, especially if her birthday is still acknowledged (which it should be in some small way!) - if it does, there's definitely something more going on.

Originally Posted by badmisterkitty View Post
I'm going to try taking her to her room and shutting the door and completely ignoring her tantrum, even if she tries to beat me up. And she will. That's where I get into trouble because I think her getting physical with me is an absolute NO WAY, but by acknowledging that I don't approve it fuels her tantrum. At least if we're in her bedroom she'll only beat me up and not lash out at her siblings. I should also point out that she doesn't hit DH hardly ever. He says it's because he can ignore her better. I can't disagree with that.
First, we have turned the lock around on the boys' room - they know that if they are sent to their room to calm down and they start trying to fight back or come out while still tantruming, we will lock the door so they can't open it. Personally, I think that is preferable to being in the room with her - which is still giving her an audience especially where you have said that you aren't able to ignore her behaviour.

Second - hitting anyone is NEVER okay. Period. She should not be allowed to get away with that behaviour with anyone, and certainly not her parents. This would be another reason to have the door locked (or just stand outside and hold it shut) - she can't get to you to be physically violent.

Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
She's 5, can't "beat you up." Get physical, yes, but a 5 year old isn't capable of "beating up" and adult grown woman. Language like that says to me that you have given her quite a bit of power.

And, if you have to take her to her room when she's throwing a fit, why on earth would you stay IN the room? I sure as heck wouldn't. I suggest instead, closing the door and if she isn't going to stay there you stay OUTSIDE the door, and just continue to put her back in every time she tries to leave, supernanny style. You completely ignore the tantrum, do not say anything to her, you just silently put her back each and every time, until she's done with her fit. But stay OUTSIDE the door. By being in the room, you have now given her not just an audience, but a captive one. That will not help the situation at ALL.
Except, I really don't play around with them coming out and me putting them back in - I just don't have time or energy to play that "game" with them.
When I say we lock the door, we do, but we don't just lock it and walk away. We stand outside the door, or sit on the couch (right around the corner from their door/room). As soon as we hear them quiet and start to calm down, we open the door and let them know they can come out and join us again whenever they feel ready to.
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