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Old 11-15-2012, 11:27 PM   #47
c&w's mama
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Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

I went to a few lectures by a child psychologist... our daycare offered for free. I (knock on wood) haven't yet had to deal with tantrums, so forgive me if this comes out too basic-- keep in mind this is an 8 hour class and she says people take it many times! Let me check my notes at work to see if I can find the books she recommended. One thing I work on is making the consequence fit the infraction (as in, once you get to consequence stage--she doesn't start there, you are supposed to relate it directly-- loosing a party is too steep and not directly related-- even adults make rare mistakes or get mad themselves. And stick to the reasonable ones-- this one I'd likely sit down with her and tell her why I was changing my mind. But not condone the behavior. I think the current most popular philosophy is to validate the emotion (oooh, you're really mad aren't you) and passively ignore (as long as everyone is safe) a raging tantrum because the child is unable to function otherwise at that moment. Or flat out ignore-- meaning you calmly sit by but don't add to the drama (its not like you're punishing them this way- they just need to work it out). Then you engage the child once they've calmed. You are in no way expressing to the child that this behavior is ok-- not saying that either. I know looking for the triggers is important. Not making it a battle of wills-- not winning and losing. You're the mom, you get respect-- I don't mean to imply anything else.

sigh, I hope I said something usable, but not sure I did at all. I don't have this degree please remember that-- I just went to lectures and liked what she said. It changes as they get older and I can't remember what she said! I do think it will escalate HEAVILY the first time you implement-- and the second, and the third-- this isn't something familiar to you both. Everything is a learning process.

She does a whole hour on choices (age appropriate). Like clothing. That was helpful. Getting kids to buy into good behavior-- they're personally invested in the decision and its not just being told- its learning how to do it yourself someday. Can be a good distraction sometimes. Thought it was a crazy example when given in the class, but "do you want to stand or sit to take this medicine" actually worked. It ends up their choice to take the medicine they need.

Forgive me if this was covered elsewhere, but to help with my mornings and dinner prep, I ask DD to select something (given choices that are all fine with me-- sometimes her brother's pants selection, sometimes broccoli or peas for dinner), be in charge of something (her blanket for nap time), draw a picture to help someone feel better (my boss had a bad day) just anything to keep her productive.

note to self-- make sure you read all! i see you reinstated the party- its hard, but good for you! And I bet these books mentioned are the same ones I'll find on my paperwork.

hugs, mama.
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Last edited by c&w's mama; 11-15-2012 at 11:46 PM.
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