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Old 11-16-2012, 08:08 AM   #50
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Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

Originally Posted by c&w's mama View Post
I went to a few lectures by a child psychologist... our daycare offered for free. I (knock on wood) haven't yet had to deal with tantrums, so forgive me if this comes out too basic-- keep in mind this is an 8 hour class and she says people take it many times! Let me check my notes at work to see if I can find the books she recommended. One thing I work on is making the consequence fit the infraction (as in, once you get to consequence stage--she doesn't start there, you are supposed to relate it directly-- loosing a party is too steep and not directly related-- even adults make rare mistakes or get mad themselves. And stick to the reasonable ones-- this one I'd likely sit down with her and tell her why I was changing my mind. But not condone the behavior. I think the current most popular philosophy is to validate the emotion (oooh, you're really mad aren't you) and passively ignore (as long as everyone is safe) a raging tantrum because the child is unable to function otherwise at that moment. Or flat out ignore-- meaning you calmly sit by but don't add to the drama (its not like you're punishing them this way- they just need to work it out). Then you engage the child once they've calmed. You are in no way expressing to the child that this behavior is ok-- not saying that either. I know looking for the triggers is important. Not making it a battle of wills-- not winning and losing. You're the mom, you get respect-- I don't mean to imply anything else.
Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. This is exactly why I came here - to help me decide if I'd made a right or wrong choice. The field was fairly evenly divided, but I think it boiled down to the punishment being totally wrong for the crime AND the fact that it was partially my fault it escalated the way it did.

DH and I DO need to be more consistent with her tantrums. We try, but sometimes emotions or time constraints or whatever else gets in the way and we deal with them incorrectly, therefore setting the precident that she can continue to do them. Perhaps she IS ill-equiped to handle her emotions, but I am struggling to teach her good ways to handle them. I was not a difficult child, it pained me greatly to upset my parents, and I don't know anyone in real life who has a child like this.

When I dropped her off at my parent's house this morning, my mom asked if she was good last night (she was) because my mom had told her she could spend the night if she was good. *sigh* I'm not sure how I feel about using rewards to get good behavior either. Clearly, it worked but something felt wrong about it.
Amy ~ Everything in moderation, WOH, glass half full, not committed to any labels, try, try again mama to 3! H 11/07 and M 8/10 and B 8/12
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