Re: My story
Oh, mama, my heart aches for you. What a lot you have had to endure, and the toll it takes on so many other areas of your life. Your husband has endured a lot, and your babies, too. It does sound like you have been encircled in the arms of His love, and I believ you did experience a healing. It's hard to trust again. but I can say with assurety that He knows your needs and your trials, and He is the only one who can get you through. I had a third degree tear with my first, and I didn't experience that level of damage with my second or third. I know for me it was not being in an upright position, and then having an episiotomy, so not only was I cut, once that skin was rent, it just continued to tear. But I don't pretend to know anything about the level of pain you had to go through.
It sounds to me too that you have trauma you are still dealing with. It might be helpful to talk to someone, a counselor, clergy person, etc., to see if you can work through any of this. (((hugs)))